My mother in law has many memory problems that we have learned to help manage but our family is at a loss on this: Over the past several weeks, Gom has started to ask us (sometimes daily), Where's Pete (her husband of sixty five years who has been deceased for the past three. Gom originally hadn't forgotten this. We have answered her truthfully and as gently as we could but each time, the look on her face is tragic. She is reliving hearing the news of his death each time as if it were the first time and it affects her profoundly. Is there something else we could do or another way to respond. We always thought the truth was best but she relives her husband's death every day as if for the first time. She is in so much pain each time it happens

kjbpsb,

As the disease advances for a person with Alzheimer's, the person may ask or see people in their past that have been a significant part of his/her life. In your mother-in-law's case, this means that she's looking for her deceased husband. Sometimes being honest to the person with Alzheimer's works and sometimes it doesn't. When you find that the person gets under emotional distress by being truthful. Then responding to the person's question in a "theraputic lie" is effective. On way to convey to the person with Alzheimer's is to say that her husband is at work, is visiting their mother and will be back next week, or is on a business trip. I know it's quite difficult to not tell the truth, but when the person with Alzheimer's gets under emotional distress, it adds more harm to the person than good. I've included literature on Communication to help you find other ways to interact with your mother-in-law.

It's obvious that you care a lot for your mother-in-law and she is lucky to have you there. If you have any questions, please write to us again or call our 24hr helpline at 1-800-272-3900.

Sincerely,

Yes, we are all taught that honesty is the best policy. But AD is not shoplifting. Once you understand what you are dealing with, that brain cells are being damaged, then your goal becomes to keep your loved one as happy, content and calm as possible. With AD, lying is a kindness and AD patients need kindness more than honesty. I hope you have read the link from AA about communication. You can also go to the website below and read 'what you need to know' to help you better understand what she is going thru and how better to respond with compassion and understanding. Print it out, give a copy to everyone. I know you mean well, but you yourself are saying that you hurt her each time you tell the truth, and what is that going to get you--or her? So work with the disease, even if it means adjusting your core values. She will be much happier and you will be doing the right thing.