I am new to these discussion boards and really need to talk to someone. I am 49 yrs old and I am taking care of my mother who is 81. My mother was diagnosed about a year ago with dementia and was placed on Aricept. I am the youngest of 4 children and since I am home all the time I am the one who cares for her the most.

I have been disabled since 2001 because of a surgical infection that never healed. I have had 10 surgeries for repairs and still have an open wound in my abdomen. I was scheduled for surgery on June 13th but had second thoughts, because I was scared plus I was worried about who would take care of my mother during the day. Since I was having second thoughts my surgeon "dropped" me as a patient so I am dealing with an abdominal hernia with increasing muscle changes and damage plus trying to take care of my mother.

My father died in 1989 of lung cancer. Since I was never married I lived with my mother as did my sister who is 53 and her daughter who is 30. I have 2 older brothers who never come to see my mother or never call her. One of my brothers has a daughter who is 7 years old and my mother never gets to see her. I know this just kills my mother but my brother and his wife don't see it. My mom is the childs only living grandparent. Mom asked my brother if she could take the child to disney world with us for a vacation and they said not until they took her first. Well they took her 2 years ago and we are supposed to go this summer but was told her grandchild couldn't go with her.

I have been noticing lately alot more changes in my mother over the last month. Today was the worst. I have been in tears most of the night. She has been accusing me of saying things about her that I haven't said. I worked in the medical field and know that this is all part of the disease, but can anyone tell me how to handle it. I have noticed that she seems better in the morning, but seems to get worse ase the day goes on. I also noticed that she started having symptoms about 3 years ago after her youngest sister died from lung cancer. My mom has 2 living sisters and she always says that she is going to be the next to die because she used to smoke. The two sister that are still alive don't help her either. Neither one of them are in great health and in fact mom looks better then they do. They feed these things into her head about what can be wrong with her if she describes the least little symptom.

I have always handled my moms health insurance, her doctors visits, and I am almost always the one that takes her to the store and doctor visits. I love my mother to death but she wants you to drop what ever you are doing and go to the store if she asks.

I have put my mother ahead of my own medical problems. My sister and niece help as much as they can but they both work full time. My brothers live very close to us, but they don't visit or call. One of my brothers has to pass our house to go to and from work and doesn't even stop. I would do anything for my mother. I know that she is aware of how sick I am, I am diabetic, I have rheumatoid arthritis, and I am in need of surgery ASAP but like I said I was "dropped" by my surgeon. I am just not healthy enough to do all of this and I just can't put my mother in a nursing home. Can anyone please tell me or help with anything that I can do to try and stay calm with her and try to make her understand that we are not "talking" about her or trying to do anything to her, and that we love her and want to help her. She doesn't even know that she has dementia because we asked her doctors not to say anything because we knew she would dwell on it and talk about death. I have asked her doctor to put her on antidepressants which I feel she has needed ever since her sister died a few years ago. The doctor told me that she doesn't think she needs antidepressants because she (the doctor) asked her if she was depressed and she said no. Please send any help or information anyone has.

Thanks,


Sorry this was so long but I needed to talk to someone who know what I am going through.

Each state has different services but check with your oFfice of Elder Affairs to see what WV offers.
I only recently found out that mine will pay for two weeks/year in a nursing home for my mother if I needed to have an operation or even just needed time off.
They also pay for aides and housekeeping services (the number of hours varies with financial and health needs).
IT sounds like you are risking your own health to keep your mother at home. You need to love yourself as much as you love her.

Dear lovemom,

I am very sorry for your recent health problems, as well as your mother’s recent cognitive changes. The work you have done for your mother truly shows your love. However, the best way to take care of your Mom is to take care of yourself. It is completely understandable to be anxious about another surgery, and knowing that your Mom has needs that may not be met while you are recovering. You are not alone. There are many caregivers who are struggling to care for themselves and still have the responsibility to care for their loved one. Also, many times the primary family caregiver finds themselves without help from other family members. However some caregivers find that the people in their lives do not help out simply because they do not know how to help. Once directed and told what must be done, they may become vital assets to the care of the person in need. Give concrete directions to those members of you family that are less active. Ask, “Can you take mom to the grocery store tomorrow in the afternoon?” or “Mom has a doctor’s appointment Tuesday at noon are you available to take her, I need a break.”

Alzheimer’s disease is progressive; it will only get worse and continue to change. As the disease progresses, so too will your mother’s needs. She will require more help with certain physical activities that because of your health you may be unable to handle alone. It is not easy to think of the future when the present already holds many challenges, but it is still very important to be aware.

You mentioned that your mother is falsely accusing you of certain things. As you may already know this is a very common element of Alzheimer’s disease. It is most important to remember that it is best not to challenge their accusations. This can be very hard. You know you did nothing wrong, yet you must apologize and change the subject to something you know your mom finds pleasant. Remember, your mother is incapable of reasoning as a result of her cognitive impairment and decline. We reason every day, and it will be very difficult to stop and to try to be direct and concrete with your statements. Reasoning and explaining things in great detail to your Mom will most likely confuse her more which will then lead to increased agitation. If your statements are concrete she will be more likely to understand them. So for example if your Mom says, “Stop talking about me, you are lying, I can’t believe you would do that to me.” You could respond, “Mom, I did not say anything to hurt you, I am sorry you feel that way. I have an idea, let’s call your granddaughter.” Be simple, concrete, and reassuring then quickly change the topic to pleasant thoughts and feelings.

Your tears are well understood. To hear your Mom say things to you, that you know she would not have said in the past hurts emotionally. Like your physical problems, emotional strain must also be dealt with. Respite is a way that could help deal with the emotional strain. Another very common and helpful resource is a caregiver support group. If you are not already involved in one, I recommend you find your local Alzheimer’s caregiver support group. This would be an excellent place to bring your feelings and talk with others that experience similar pain.

The most significant piece to remember is that your health is just as important as your mother’s. One option that may help you during times when you need to take a break to have surgery or for physical respite is to have your mother placed in a care facility for a short stay. For example, if you need a week off to recover, your mother can spend a week in a care facility after which she returns home. If this is not an option, then arranging homecare for you and your mother during your recovering may be more amenable. Whatever you decide remember that you are not alone, and your struggles unfortunately are a very normal process of caregiving.

Please, at any time, call our 24 hour helpline and speak with a Care Consultant directly about these or any other concerns you may have. Thank you for using the Alzheimer’s Association Online Community.

Jaimie E.
Alzheimer’s Association
Care Consultant