Hi,

I am the daughter of an ALZ mid to late stage patient and live across the country from her. My brother lives with her. However, I am the only one with the education and the related background (I have two autistic kids who have required this level of care) that can possibly handle my mother. My brother has never been on his own and has no understanding of what it means to maintain a home. Mom always did it for him.

I haven't seen my mother in about two years, since she was diagnosed and even then, it was shocking to see her: losing weight, pale skin and her memory lapses were the most shocking to me. Although I have the experience of caring for two "disorder" kids, I know I am not prepared for what I will be facing when I visit my mom...my mom's deterioration.

How can I best emotionally prepare for this shock? I've asked questions of relatives but that doesn't give me a true picture of the situation. Thanks!

Dear Penny,

I can only say that I'm sorry that your mother has this disease, and that the changes in her have been so devastating. This can be hard to witness even if you live with the person from day to day and witness change gradually. However, if you have had a stretch of time between visits, it seems that the emotional impact can be overwhelming. You're wise to try to fortify yourself emotionally, however, I don't think there is any sure way to prepare for the effect this may have on you.

My suggestion is to be as open and accepting as you can when you are with your mother. Be fully present to her. This is who she is right now, and now is all you have. Don't spend too much emotional energy reflecting on her previous functioning. It will only make you sad, and less emotionally available to her now. There will be a time for reflection later.

Develop a network of people who can be there for you as you navigate this unchartered territory. You can have a go-to person that you trust, or someone from a support group, or you can call us anytime @ 1-800-272-3900.

Also, be open to the possibility that your experience of her may not be a heartbreaking one, but rich and joyful. Keep an open mind and an open heart, and allow unexpected goodness to come to you.

Whatever happens, you will manage.

Those are my thoughts, I'm sure that others who have been there will have something to offer you about their experience.

Please call for emotional support anytime you think we can be helpful @ 1-800-272-3900 and ask to speak to a Care Consultant.

Warmly,
Kathleen

Hello, Penny

Kathleen's kind words are so true. And be sure to keep that phone number handy. I've used it and they were wonderful.

I'm not sure about the protocol of cross posting, so as a 'regular' forum poster, I've left my thoughts/response to you under the "Welcome Penny" thread on the Caregivers Board.

And Penny, the chat forum here can be very helpful too. I've noticed they have frequent visitors in the the late afternoon/evenings. You may want to drop in!

Warm Regards,
SuperWoman