My significant other has emotional swings more than mood swings, and they're always directed at me. He keeps telling me I've changed, that I have an edge, that I have gotten harder and harder, that I "shatter" him with my comments and attitudes. He ws diagnosed a year ago. He is 73 and was a very high functioning executive who lost his retirement savings and is now living on social security which is very difficult for him. His whole life had turned upside down over the past few years and I do everything I can to make life easier.

A couple months ago I decided I would just go along with him, no more trying to convince him of anything, no more "taking care" overtly. I have given up my studio time to sit with him at night. I quit going to the gym because he got upset if I got home late from work. However it has come to where we cannot even have a conversation without him arguing with me, even if I don't argue back. Anything I say is wrong and gets him started but if I don't engage he gets angry. I have a full time job and when I get home I fix dinner, then clean up and the whole time he's trying to verbally assault me.

My question is, is this common? When will it change? What else can I do? He takes Arisept and Namenda, which initially made a difference. His blood pressure is very unstable and I can often guage his mood by what his most recent reading was, but not always. I feel I have to be hypervigilant to avoid confrontation and keep the house together because he hates disorder and that will also start a barrage of nasty comments. I have to convince him I am the same person I used to be, that he is safe and that we can still be happy but that seems so impossible now.

We had wonderful dreams for our future before he moved in with me and the illness began. I still want to have the best life I can with him. I hate that he is so miserable and I can't seem to do anything about it. Hopefully you will have some suggestions.

Hello Susie,

I am really sorry to hear about what you have had to go through for the last several months. Regardless of what causes your significant other to verbally attack you as you describe, you're only human and sometimes words really do hurt. While not everyone with Alzheimers disease or other types of dementia is mean and aggressive, it does happen to many people.

In the beginning of your posting you wrote that you decided to "just go along with him, no more trying to convince him of anything" but later in the posting you said that "I have to convince him that I am the same person I used to be". It is important for you to understand that his dementia will increasingly prevent him from being able to understand most of what is explained to him by anyone, not only you. Also, his dementia will in many ways change him. Rather than you struggling to explain that you are the same person you used to be, you have to acknowledge that HE's not the person HE used to be.

You described many sacrifices that you have made in an effort to lessen his verbal aggression, avoid confrontation, and keep him as comfortable as possible but nothing seems to be enough. Regardless of what you do, don't do, say, or don't say, he argues and gets angry. I would advise you to talk to his doctor about his constant anger and verbal aggression as there could be medication that could help.

The aggression you describe is more pronounced and constant than that of an average person with AD. His dementia will often make his reasoning illogical, irrational, and unpredictable. No amount explaining, waiting, or tip-toeing around it will make it go away. Also, while I understand why you decided to try giving up certain things in your life to help him, it is CRUCIAL that you have activities in your life that provide you with some relief.

Please speak with his doctor and try to get back into at least one of the activities you have enjoyed in the past. Also, identify a friend, family member, or neighbor that you can contact if your significant other's aggression ever becomes physical.

Behavioral and Psychiatric Symptoms, Caregiver Stress, Alzheimers and other dementias

You and your loved one are facing a very difficult and sad situation. Please know that you can call our 24-hour helpline 1-800-272-3900 anytime to talk with someone about your concerns and feelings.

Sincerely,