About four months ago, my husband and I moved in with my parents in order to facilitate taking care of my 84 year old grandfather. He has broken both hips in the past two years and has a lot of trouble walking.

When we got him home, we also realized that he probably was having a lot of mental decline as well. He is very angry, unreasonable, spiteful, throws a ton of fits, and hard to deal with. His short term memory comes and goes. Sometimes he is as lucid as can be, then other times, he is off in left field.

This is what is so hard for us to understand. I know that is normal, but sometimes it feels like we are patronizing him when he is unreasonable. And then if he is lucid, you don't want to treat him like a baby.

An example would be: we have short term help that comes throughout the day. Last night she was a little tired. He thought she should go home early. Which is fine, except that means I have to totally rearrange my schedule because he cannot take care of himself at all. I have two small kids and have things arranged so that everyone is taken care of. When he wants to send someone home, that means I have to juggle both kids and him. So he told her to go home, but when she said she would stay, he pitched a fit and went to bed at 7:30. Then he got mad because his diaper leaked before the time I regularly change him in the middle of the night. But he had been in there an extra two hours. And if I had come in earlier to change him, he would have yelled at me for coming too early.

There just doesn't seem to be a solution. How do you live with this?

You do what needs to be done. You try to not get too upset when he is not rational...it is the disease doing all these unreasonable things. Not your father. You do the best you can. It will never get easier. Don't forget that your husband and children need you too. Try not to let the emotions about your father overflow into your family. It's hard. There is no easy answer. Remember, your children are watching how you handle this. Love and prayers.

Hello Mary,

Thank you for posting your concern on the Message Boards. I am sure that many people can relate to your situation and have the very same questions about how to provide appropriate care while also trying to preserve the person's dignity. JJdoubled responded by saying that you simply do what needs to be done and do your best not to get too bogged down by pressure to avoid upsetting your grandfather. It is no easy feat and I think it is always a matter of trying to maintain perspective and manage your expectations of both your grantfather and yourself.

Let me add that you demonstrate great respect for him just by asking these questions. The fact that you are cognizant of the importance of treating him like an adult and including him in decisions as much as possible demonstrates a lot of love. However, it is important that you let yourself off the hook sometimes and allow yourself to make decisions the best way you know how. This disease presents families with so many situations in which it feels like you just can't win. This leads caregivers to question whether they are doing something wrong. Sometimes the situation is just kind of impossible and no matter which way you choose - someone might be upset or something might not get done.

The most important thing is that everyone is safe. From there - you can try to balance things so that everyone experiences some happiness sometimes and that everyone is allowed to express sadness, anger, impatience, frustration....and any number of emotions that can come up. This includes you.

Remember - your intention to love him, care for him, and show him respect is of great value. This is something for you to hold onto and remind yourself because his disease will usually prevent him from being able to acknowledge it. All you can do is try. Sometimes things will work and sometimes they may not. Most of that is not within your control.

Please feel free to contact us again with any further questions.

sincerely,