Two months ago I was able to place my father into AL directly from rehab. He has dementia and had a stroke in Feb which got him out of the house into a hospital and from there to AL. He is now at the "I want to go home now" stage.

I dont know what to do. He will be 87 in May and has had dementia for quite some time but was only diagnosed in 2004. Mom and I knew he had memory issues but never could get him to a Doctor for diagnosis. In 04 he tried Aricept but was allergic so he did not go on anything until a few months ago they put him on Namenda. (mom passed in 04)

He doesnt remember 10 seconds ago unless it is about going home and he will remember that he called me and wants to go home. I visit him 2x a week at AL but he does not remember. I have a calander on the wall that I write on to help him remember but he doesnt remember to read the calander anymore.

I dont feel bad putting him in AL but he is now making me feel bad. He calls 1-25x a day screaming to go home. It is getting out of control. This has only started the past two weeks. The AL said they are gonna get a UA to see if that is the problem but that has not been done yet. He is refusing his meds and becoming very combative. I am afraid they will kick him out and then I dont know what to do. He is not in a Dementia Unit at this time. I have been considering taking him back to his house and hiring 24 hr care but after reading some posts maybe that is not the best thing to do. But then maybe he wants to go home to die? I would want to be at my own home..

Other than dementia he is in pretty good health. They do have him on many meds since the stroke and I am kinda thinking why bother. He was only on aspirin and boniva prior to the stroke, now his is on about 7 pills.. ugh...

His home is in PA but the AL is in MD near me in Hagerstown, MD. What should I do, who can I call? I have asked the RN etc at the AL and not much help for direction. I am going to call the doc this am.

When dad calls he says he is going to walk home, take a taxi or hitch hike home if I wont take him. I have not lied to him and dont think I should. He can pretty much figure it out if I lie. I am trying to be honest the whole way through but I dont think he gets it..

Help!!

Hi and thank you for your encouraging post to my situation. Our situation sounds similar, my mom passed in 05.(so sorry for your loss too)..my dad is in a rehab alzheimer unit, and keeps yelling to come home. I talked with the social worker today and she is going to have a psych see if he is competent. Dad is very high functioning, its his min to min reasoning, not able to connect all the pieces. If he is incompetent, i will move to the courts for guardianship and bring him home with a live in. If he is competent i have already been told without the meds ( & he wont take them on his own) it will be another nightmare. Maybe your dad needs more time to adjust..that is what they have told me..if not maybe u could get a live in..but where would they live..its not good to be too far from you to monitor. Are u an only child? (i am) and it falls square on my shoulders! Did u find the stress of your moms passing made it worse? (i did) My mom always gave him direction and he did pretty well. Hang in there..we are in for one heck of a ride. Email me if you would like![EMAIL]Tradeoff2@comcast.net

I quess I am one too. My mom is in an ALF with significant dementia. I am lucky in that I can visit her daily. Each day I am helping her unpack and settle in. Each day I tell her that the house is being fixed and she will go home in a couple of days. I have been doing this since March 16. My mom can put up with this hotel for a few more days if she has too. Maybe this sort of lie will help you. When she is very aggitated they will give her ativan, if necessary in coffee.

No, your father does not 'get it' because he has dementia. Dementia means someone is not of sound mind, they are unable to care for themselves, to do the everyday things we all need to do, to understand and reason with logic--that's dementia. If you are clever about it, you will discover that lying to him is a kindness, someone with dementia needs kindness more than honesty. Obviously honesty is not working for you, so try to make your lives a little easier by telling him whatever you think will keep him calm (lying). He may very well be thinking of a childhood home when he wants to go 'home' a place where he was in control and felt safe. Your problems with him will not get better if you bring him home and finding and keeping 24/7 care is very difficult. Please go to the website below and read 'what you need to know.' It will help you to understand a little about what he is going thru. His brain cells are damaged and getting worse, so he cannot understand or reason the way you can. You can explain till you're blue, but he will never 'get it.' I'm so sorry because I know exactly what you are going thru. Just keep giving him lots of love and then more love, talk about all the great things he did for you and the family. Express love and appreciation.

Dear ru1two:
Without a doubt it is difficult to experience the decline of a beloved parent, yet alone complicated by the recent loss of another.

It doesn't feel good to "lie", let alone to our parents;however, Betty is right in reiterating that persons with dementia need kindness and reassurance. His short-term memory is largely nonexistant, therefore his ability to adjust to a new environment is severely lacking. Our goal is to make him as comfortable as possible in a world in which he is undboutedly afraid and confused.

Both "vjh" and "Bettyhere" provided suggestions of redirecting/comforting your father with what's often referred to as "therapeutic fibbing". Many articles have been written on this, but essentially we are telling the PWD something that will put them at ease and allow them to better adjust to a situation. Whereas it's the "truth" that his wife is deceased, a time will come- if it hasn't already- that he doesn't remember this. To repeatedly tell him that his wife is dead and have his experience it each time as if it were the first time he's learning this "news" would be cruel. Instead we might want to assure him that she's "fine...out of town, but is thinking of him" and so forth.

I agree that relocating your father to your or his home may well create further problems. Persons with dementia (PWDs)have increasing difficulty adjusting to new environs as the disease progresses and changes often facilitate escalation of the disease.

For further discussion of this or other caregiving concerns, don't hesitate to contact our 24/7 Helpline at: 1-800-272-3900.

Best wishes,

Thank you all.. everything has been very helpful. Yesterday we moved some of his things in from home and set it up to feel more cozy. The happy time was short lived but it did bring him some peace and comfort for a while.

I also called the helpline the day I posted this discussion and Sara was very helpful as well. I have begun the "therapeutic lies", now to come up with one that calms him the best. It's funny how they seem to remember everything when you come up with a "fib" lol..

Darlene2, vjh, bettyhere, david p, thank you so much for sharing your experiences and knowledge. Darelene2 and vjh sorry you all have to go through the same type situation but it is comforting to know that everyone goes through it one way or another. There comes a point where you feel that your situation is the only one in the world and why doesnt any one do something!!