Hi again, I wrote before, but my problem is getting worse. Mom is 89 and living in her own house. She was recently diagnosed with dementia. My nephew spends many nights sleeping on her couch cause he has nowhere else to go. He is 23 and they argue every day. He is very destructive and violant. She will not kick him out cause "He is my grandson and has nowhere else to go" Today she called me at work and wanted me to leave and come to her because he was acting as a "maniac". I told her this is repetative behavior, everytime I kick him out, she lets him back in. I don't know what to do. She will not call the police, and she will not leave her home. I don't know if her irrational thinking is her alzheimers disease. Any ideas?

Hi,

Why is your nephew staying with your Mom under these circumstances? Is it because no one else can handle him? Does your nephew have some sort of psychological problem or addiction issue? I ask because my eldest son was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when he was 22. It was extremely difficult living with him when he would go off his meds. My other two sons would tell me to put him out on the street but I could not. I knew he was sick. When things got to a point where he did something that was truly drastic, he went to a state hospital. My husband and I never knew what we would be dealing with when we walked in the house, and we are of sound mind, unlike your Mom!

In your Mom's case, she is not equipped to handle this situation - she has enough to do to take care of herself.

Here in NJ every county has an acute psychiatric team that can come and evaluate someone who is destructive and/or violent. If the person is a danger to themselves and/or others, or is destroying property, that is considered sufficient grounds to have the person hospitalized for a psychiatric evaluation.

If your Mom will not call the police when this happens, I strongly suggest that you call 911 - tell them that your nephew is acting in a violent and destructive manner and that your Mom has dementia and you are afraid for her safety. They will bring a team of police and EMTs to deal with the situation.

This situation sounds like a time bomb just ticking away and waiting to explode. If you do not already have the necessary legal paperwork in place for your Mom, such as a DPOA, you need to meet with an attorney specializing in elder law ASAP.

I wish you luck - this will not be resolved until you take matters into your own hands and act on behalf of your Mom to keep her safe.

What a challenging situation for you and your family. I hope I can help guide you.

It sounds like your mom may need extra help in her home. As the disease continues to progress she will be unable to judge and make sound decisions on her own. She may feel attached and obligated to have her grandson stay with her, but she is not aware of how this may hurt her well being. This is when others step in. You are there to be your mom’s advocate. If she cannot change her living situation on her own, she may need help. Yes, her Alzheimer's disease is affecting how she thinks. Before the disease she may have never put up with this, but now the way she thinks and makes decisions has changed.

Families each bring their own set of dynamics, and you know your families best- so keep them in mind when you work on this issue. If possible, begin to talk with your nephew about his place at your mom’s home. Let him know his is affecting her well being and that with her Alzheimer's disease she cannot have him at her house any more. Perhaps offer another suggestion on where he could stay. If your relationship does not allow you do to this you may need to take more directive steps.

If your mom is in danger I urge you to call 9-11 for her. She may not be able to do so herself as a result of the Alzheimer's disease. The police can be sent to the house and either helps diffuse the situation or make sure she is safe while you are at work. When you call 9-11 inform the operator that your mom has Alzheimer’s and that this has been an ongoing issue with her grandson. It may be best if you are there when the police come, so you can explain the situation. You are your mom's advocate do not hesitate to take action.

If his violent behavior continues, and your mom is at risk for harm I encourage you to use local resources to ensure her safety. One option is Adult Protective Services. This resource is set up to protect vulnerable adults. Go to http://www.ncea.aoa.gov/ncearoot/Main_Site/index.aspx or call 800.677.1116. to locate your local protective services.

Please call our helpline to talk more about this issue. 800.272.3900 Your mom’s comfort and safety is very important and I hope you are able to find a solution that works.

Bests,