Hi folks, I'm new here. My mom was diagnosed with vascular dementia 18 months ago. She is still very prescient but memory problems increasing now. She forgets that she has the diagnosis and disbelieves the letter from the doctor. Even though we've had help in their home, my 81-year-old father is in failing health, depressed, and really needs out of the primary caregiver role. We need to move them to assisted living in Texas to be near us. Dad is willing and eager to go. Mom refuses to even consider it. She cannot live on her own in her present home, out in the country. We've made the arrangements for assisted living but are desperate for ideas about how to convince our Mother, who is paranoid now and suspicious of us, to go with us, board a plane, fly to another state, and go into the assisted living facility. If we can't "convince" her, do you have any ideas how to get her to go? Keep in mind she's very smart and smells a rat.....
The problem is she isn't "far enough gone" to trick into a vacation or something like that, and knows very well what going to Texas with us means. We tried actually convincing her, reasoning with her before the dementia progressed, and now she knows "the game is on." I will discuss meds with the doctor ... We're trying to decide which will be easier, a one-hour flight (involving getting her on a plane, which if she doesnt want to go could be impossible) vs. putting her in a car and just driving for 12 hours till we get there. All suggestions welcome.....
I want to thank you for writing in on this issue. It may seem tough but actually, it's not.
You first must understand, that this is a person who has been independent for a long, long time. She knows first and foremost that she has vascular dementia, so she's upset in knowing this. Secondly, she feels that you are taking her freedom away by placing her in a facility that she cannot call her own. It's never easy convincing someone that they need help when that loved one will not accept it.
Fortunately, there are ways to convince her into going to assisted living. First, figure out what her best time of day would be. If she's happiest in the morning, around noon, or after dinner, talk to her about your suggestions. Address her concerns lovingly, and supportively for her. If this doesn't work for you, have a doctor, or a nurse practioner talk to her about assisted living. Usually, a person with dementia will respond more to a professional than a family member.
If you follow these steps, you may find success in moving her to the facility. Ifyou have further questions, please do not hesitate to respond, or call us. We are available 24 hours a day/7 days a week.
Originally posted by Clifton: I want to thank you for writing in on this issue. It may seem tough but actually, it's not.
You first must understand, that this is a person who has been independent for a long, long time. She knows first and foremost that she has vascular dementia, so she's upset in knowing this. Secondly, she feels that you are taking her freedom away by placing her in a facility that she cannot call her own. It's never easy convincing someone that they need help when that loved one will not accept it.
Fortunately, there are ways to convince her into going to assisted living. First, figure out what her best time of day would be. If she's happiest in the morning, around noon, or after dinner, talk to her about your suggestions. Address her concerns lovingly, and supportively for her. If this doesn't work for you, have a doctor, or a nurse practioner talk to her about assisted living. Usually, a person with dementia will respond more to a professional than a family member.
If you follow these steps, you may find success in moving her to the facility. Ifyou have further questions, please do not hesitate to respond, or call us. We are available 24 hours a day/7 days a week.
Take care, Clifton Care Consultant
Clifton, Thank you for your thoughtful answer. Not only is my mom very independent, as you say, she cared for her sister with AZ for nineteen years, including the first fourteen in our home. So she has a HORROR of what is coming. That completely reinforces her denial.
We have already gone the route of having the dr. make the suggestion. We have addressed her concerns lovingly and supportively for 18 months, since we first had the diagnosis (the problems has been evident a good while longer than that). Her line is "maybe someday, but not now." We finally recognized that "now" would never come for her, and that our Dad needs help NOW.
The big question is: how to get her in the car. I feel terrible about "playing a trick" but if it will keep her safe, which she isn't now, I will do it.
You understand your mother's feelings and motivations very well. Who can blame her for feeling afraid of experiencing things that she once saw her sister go through? I think you said it very well when you wrote that you feel terrible "playing a trick" on her but that if it will keep her safe, you will do it. Playing a trick is mean spirited when it is for your own amusement or when it is for only your personal gain. When it is a means to an end - the end being your loved-one's safety - it is necessary, practical, and realistic. None of that, however, makes it much easier.
I wish you luck with the move. You are doing the right thing and you are motivated by love for your mother.
Thank you for that response. I just did a blind search on this - we just got the news that Mom's assisted living facility opening came up - she doesn't know about it yet. Martha T. - thank you for clarifying that tricking somehow my Mom into the facility is not necessarily a bad thing - as it's in her best interest. And it's the only way. Thank you.
