My father in law, 84, is settling into a wonderful Alz. care facility. He is making friends. He appears to be getting a little to friendly with the lady down the hall. He has been there 3 months; tells us he is in love with her and wants to marry her. He lost his wife 5 years ago, and has found a new love.
We would like the caregivers to keep them out of each others rooms. we don't know how the other family wants to handle this, but it seems fairly simple and common that this happens even if the spouse is alive and living elsewhere.
How should we handle this? Is is right to keep them apart? And ask the caregivers to assist in our concerns (keep them out of each others rooms). we really don't know what to do or say.
I dont' him that she is married. (that isn't true, he died of Alz.) but it concerns himn enough to respect her privacy.

yhtak,

Intimacy and sexuality are indeed highly sensitive and demanding issues confronting persons with dementia and their caregivers. As with many difficult situations, clear and firm answers are few and far between and so we do our best to "walk the fine line" and weigh all the available information and competing considerations.

As you've suggested, it's not uncommon for persons with Alzheimer's living in care facilities (or otherwise) to experience an increased interest in intimate and sexual relationships and may even go so far as to exhibit socially inappropriate sexual behaviors clearly due to changes occurring in the brain. Please keep in mind, however, that a diagnosis of Alzheimer's in and of itself, is not an indication that a person is no longer capable of pursuing intimate and sexual relationships. Admittedly, the condition does impair judgment, cognition, reasoning, and overall executive functioning over time. This is where firsthand observation by those closest to the PWD and who know him best is of prime importance. If, in your estimation, your father-in-law has lost all reasonable ability to make decisions regarding his relational affairs, then the steps that you suggest are probably appropriate.

You can interpret what's been said up to this point as a subjective or personal opinion on my part, but what's for certain is that his current condition calls for a heightened need for attention and affection on his part. A ressuring, supportive relationship can help to bolster self-esteem and strengthen feelings of belonging and importance. Moreover, loving, patient communication and physical affection can and often does help allay feelings of anxiety, fear, and confusion, among others. My guess is that the more you do to keep them apart, the more your efforts will be met with resistance and circumvention. This isn't necessarily to condone everything that's occurring but merely to suggest that in the presence of mutual and consensual affinity for one another, I'm not sure that keeping them apart would be the best course of action. Please call us if we can be of any further assistance.