Hello, Care Counselors--(I also posted this in the Caregivers forum).

Thank you for this forum.

I'm the daughter of a mother patient. My father is my mother's primary caregiver. They both live at home, and both are 82 years old. I'm their only surviving offspring. (My brother died in 1991 at the age of 45 from cancer).

I'm wondering how best to support my father in the care of my mother. I ask him what he needs. I call and visit. Still, I'm not sure he always tells me what he'd really like me to do. I think he may still be trying to protect me a bit from what's going on (he's always been protective).

My problem is that I do not live in their town. My other problem is that I live only about 60 miles away from them. So...I'm not far enough away that I cannot be there, but I AM far enough away not to be there every day.

I work fulltime, but my youngest child just started college last fall. I also work from home (computer) and can set my own hours, pretty much.

I thought once that I should make a regular weekly visit. Take out some food, sit and listen, do small chores. That sounds right to me. However, my dad seems to want me to just call. I think he wants to stay as independent as he can for them for as long as he can.

Last year, he hurt his leg, and I went out several times a week. He couldn't care for himself or her, and he knew it. Thank God, he called me.

I guess I'm wondering if I should insist on doing more for him/them? I don't want to overstep my dad's independence. He's also my dad, and I've always respected his wishes.

Do you have any advice?

Thank you to any and all,

~ConnieK

Dear ConnieK,

Alzheimer's disease is a very complicated and demanding disease. It can be very time-consuming and severely stressful for the caregiver (especially if the person is the sole caregiver). It is therefore very important that the caregiver get plenty of support/help from family members, friends, and other sources.

You sound like a very caring daughter and I definitely understand your frustration on whether to help or not to help your dad. It is very common for many elderly spouses of PWD (person with disease) to refuse help because they feel that they do not want to burden their daughters/sons or family members. It is also common for many caregivers to refuse help because they may be fully or partially in denial. You are on the right track by asking questions on what to do.

Considering the fact that your dad already has hurt his leg (it is common for the elderly to get hurt easily) and the fact that he is elderly shows that he is not in the best condition to be the sole caregiver for your mom. It would be beneficial for both your mom and dad if you do frequent visits to monitor your mom and dad. You can start small. Start with a once a week visit and calling every day. As the disease progresses, you may need to increase these visits and calls.

It might help you to meet with a Social Worker in your local chapter to discuss what's expected as the disease progresses and what may be some of the best options for both you and your parents. The local chapter also provides support groups and classes for family members and caregivers of PWD. Please feel free to call our 24-hour helpline if you need to discuss this with a Care Consultant or to obtain local resources. Thank you for using the Alzheimer's Association online community.

Sincerely,

Mini V.