mom's stage 5 and has been at sunrise 4 months. we thought she was adjusting well. this past month, one of the residents, a volatile 94 y/o, is always cursing and in someone's face. mom's the current victim: "you're sitting in my seat, get the h*** out you gd..." mom hasn't responded, which further provokes; leading to louder more graphic outbursts. this woman lives a few doors down so they have to run into each other. staff IS trying to keep them apart by changing mealtimes. mom's being passive agressive--making sure she gets to sylvia's favorite chair first and refusing to move, singing christian songs (sylvia's jewish). another problem resident is constantly trying to escape, and while this isn't mom's problem it really bothers her. other people glare at her or look mean.

yesterday mom had a major meltdown, verbally attacking my sister first, telling her complete crap about how we took her for a ride and dumped her in the home with only the clothes on her back, we only visit because it looks good, we say we love her but we're killing her by inches leaving her in this hellhole, etc. my sister, who already feels guilty about placement, was hysterical. later my brother, sister-in-law, and i visited. she launched into the same stuff with us, refusing to believe anything we said, calling us liars, frauds and ingrates and how she never expected to be treated like this. she wants out of the home now, and threatened to stand in the middle of the interstate outside if we don't let her out of this prison.

we decided to let her go to her "fiance's" for a 2 week "vacation". she's stayed there before after various hospitalizations, but she doesn't remember it. if this doesn't work, and none of us think it will, we'll have to find another assisted living place which will most likely end up the same way.

he does love her, but he's not big on doctors, hospitals, medications, being hydrated. i told him that if she falls, he's to call 911 and he's not to leave her alone for any reason since he usually goes to the store a few times a day. he seems to think they'll have such fun, going back to church, seeing her friends, shopping. i don't know that she'll recall most of her friends, and since she tires easily, a big round of company will not bring out the best in her.

nothing major happened yesterday, except that mom's 15 bingo tokens are "missing" and i think she thinks that sylvia stole them from her room. she keeps talking about all this turmoil (that's her tag for sylvia and the runaway) and dealing with all these nitwits. that, i know, comes from the fiance who tells her she the healthiest and sanest person in the home.

is it likely that missing bingo tokens set this off? none of us (we all visit 2-4 times a week) had any idea she was this miserable. she's hot/she's cold (thermostats in every apartment)/nothing to do (they have activities that she won't do)/everybody's a nitwit (she's made several really good friends there)/nobody's in charge/there's too many guards that send her back to bed at 2:30 am. she loved being the staff pet and everybody making a big fuss of her. when she saw them making the same fuss of sylvia, she was livid--how dare they make a jackass out of her and say they think she's wonderful and the best resident they have and then turn around and hug and kiss sylvia. she called them traitors, badmouthed them to the other residents and refused to speak to them.

is all this part of this rotten disease? is she depressed? manipulating us with guilt? can she still do that? this is someone who says she was awake during her quintuple bypass and valve replacement, watching her heart sitting on a table, looking at her, and the day before that didn't know why she had scars. should we tell her the diagnosis that placed her?

i apologize for the length of this. i'm baffled.
beth

Dear Beth,

What a baffling situation! It is clear you and your family care for your mom and her well being, and I hope I can offer some suggestions today.

There is certainly a lot involved in her situation at the care residence. She is still relatively new to the Sunrise and this may be all a part of her adjustment. The disease will play its part in all of this, but so too will her personality that you know. Of course personality, mood and abilities can change with a dementia- it seems from what you have described some of what is happening with your mom may reflect how she acted prior to the disease. It may be hard to reason with your mom at this point due to the changes the dementia on her way of thinking, but it may help to begin by talking and working more directly with her fiancé, especially if she is to stay with him for a while. If possible it may help to have a family meeting and include her fiancé, and the care team at the care residence. At this meeting everyone can address what is happening with your mom and how each player in the team can assist with her transition, or if a new move is necessary. It sounds like the care facility is already working to separate your mom and Syvil, they may have other suggestions for your family when you visit. Let the care facility staff know that your mom’s thoughts. For example, knowing that she likes to be the “pet” and treated special, may help them provide the care she needs.

I recommend that when you are with your mom and you see she is becoming upset over a situation, try if at all possible to distract her to a topic you know she likes to talk about. Try to not reason with her in too much detail as it may only upset her more as she becomes more confused. When she is upset at you and your siblings and begins to call you names, let her know you love her, and if she becomes too upset it may be best to leave the room. If this happens in her care facility, let the staff know she is upset and to check on her when you leave to make sure she is calmed down. The reason I suggest this is that sometimes, although you may not have done anything directly to her, she could be upset with family around at certain times. She does need you and your support. You are her advocate.

I also strongly encourage you to tell your mom's doctor about any situations where she discusses putting herself or someone else in harms way. Although you may think it is a threat, or manipulation it is very important to take those sorts of comments very seriously. She may be depressed or be experiencing changes in her mood that could be helped by a medication from a doctor. Please call her doctor as soon as you can to let him/her know the new changes in your mom and her talk about harming herself.

I strongly encourage you to call our helpline and speak directly with one of our care consultants. They can offer you some more tips and suggestions as you work through this difficult issue. Call 800.272.3900 anytime we are here to help.

Bests,

jaimie~ thank you for your ideas!

i drove mom to the fiance's house, figuring that we could visit on the way. we chattered away like old times. mom admitted to being a spoiled brat, expecting to get her way immediately, always. she apologized again for being nasty, saying that she was so mad at the situation...but unable to verbalize what the situation was. she said she wants to come back to sunrise "because it's the best place for her" but wants to move to the first floor. one of her friends lives on the first floor and has fixed her apartment up very nice. (we tried to bring some furniture after she moved in but she wouldn't hear of it.)

i called yesterday and she sounded fabulous. only woke once at night, charlie had to wake her at 9. they went to her house for some clothes and "it was just a house." she's always been very attached to her "little blue house" and refused to move to charlie's because his house was too small. they stopped in to see a friend, and went to walmart.

my sister called her this morning: another good night, she's decided never to go back to sunrise, she wants to stay with charlie because she likes his house better than her's, and she asked him to marry her so she can live there! when my brother called her this afternoon, she told him she'd never go back to that place and was getting married because she's doing better here. of course she's doing better. it's been 2 days, she's been active all day instead of intermittent naps, so she's sleeping at night. this will not last 2 weeks. the AD hasn't gone away.

no one has talked to charlie to hear his views on all this. he told me before that she could stay there, but it didn't sound open-ended, and i think he realizes that 24/7 care is beyond him. he's 80 and she's 87.

beth, who never did like roller coaster rides