My Dad is in the last stages of alzheimer's - we finally had to put him in a nursing home because my mother is ill - and both of my brothers have cancer and are undergoing chemotherapy.

i am a single mom and work full time as a chemist - everything is falling in on me and i feel like a failure because he has been in a nursing home for almost a year now - when he lived with me he kept wandering away at 2am in the morning - none of the locks on the door would hold him - he was angry and aggresive - this gentle loving man - he was eating food out of the garbage and lighting fires in the kitchen.

the lack of sleep began to affect my work and my boss told me " you better do something about 'your personal problem'".
then the daycare nurse i had quit on me.

i guess the point is - i go to see him twice a week and bring his favorite soup - sometimes he remembers me - sometimes he doesn't - and pictures don't seem to help anymore - so we just sit and hug each other.
there are so many things i want to talk to him about - he was my best friend.
but i just listen to his breathing and hope that our spirits are connecting.

i am exhausted, guilty and now realize there are worse things then death - and that would be watching someone you love die.

my question is now what - i can't seem to connect with people anymore. i have a huge wall around me - i don't want to talk to anyone - my friends have stopped calling. i am isolated of my own choice and have no desire to change it.
i am a wounded animal that needs a cave to crawl into and recover. And this attitude is breaking me everyday.

how do you cope??

I know how you feel. I watched my dear husband go thru this for years and it's not easy. I would suggest you seek a support group for some face-to-face conversations and/or a counselor of some sort. I know it helped my niece when she had to place her mother. You might also talk to your doctor about a mild mood elevator. You are in a bit of a funk--naturally, but don't let it continue to go on for too long. It certainly won't help your dear father. He wants the best for you.

You are not alone with the pain you are going through. Before I found this website, I did not realize how many people are dealing with this disease that has affected so many loved ones. You have to take time to heal and bring that wall down so that others can be able to come in and help with your healing. I had alot of anger inside of me dealing with my mothers sickness but realized that there are others out there that can give you that encouraging word and lift your spirits right when you think that your world has fallen upon you. There will be days when your down and there will be days when you feel better. Hang in there! Only time can heal all wounds.

You need to stop blaming yourself you did and are doing what you could for your dad. With all the problems you had with him you know you could not possibly take care of him. Now you have to get yourself together and think about your children . How is it affecting them that their mother is not able to cope with her father's illness. It is difficult but you have to now focus on them. You visit your dad it is not like you abandoned him. Shift your thinking to the positive which is not easy but you have to do it so you can get well and be their for your children. Take one day at a time "Life has to go on ".

I truly feel your pain. I'm an only child (56yrs) and tried to take care of my mother for several months in my home. My husband helped, but it was more than I could handle. I finally made a decision to place her in a nursing facility. I continue to visit and continue to grieve. It is the long goodbye. My mother is in the combative stages. She still knows me, but the fun and loving conversations have ended. Those emotions we are feeling about abandoning and guilt are real to us, but we really are doing what's best for them. I'm sure you still cry, I do. I'm sure you still wish things were different, I do. You and I have to keep telling ourselves that we are still taking care of them, because we're getting them the best care and we are caring for them in that we have them in a facility that is safe, which we want them to be. Our focus now is to make sure they are safe, clean and fed well. We are still taking care of our parents. I hope you find some comfort and peace. I'm still trying, but together, we can do it. Our parents would want us to do the right thing, you are and I am. Much love to you in this time of hurting and pain. Please please hang in there for me. I need all the help I can get. You and others keep me going. Thank you....you are loved by many caregivers.

hi
My name is Lisa too. My dad just died three monthes ago. We had to put him in a nursing home too. It was the hardest thing our family has had to do. My dad knew he was in a nursing home, so it was hard to try to tell him we could no longer care for him. He was afraid to come down steps, he wouldn't shower anymore. My dad was the kindest most gentle man, the disease made him do things that he never would of done. I am having a very hard time with his death. I am the oldest of five kids. I have all brothers. I pray more than i have ever prayed before. It seems to help. You are still going thru the toughest part. Please, don't feel guilty for any of the choices you are forced to make. I miss my dad more than words can say. We just have to try to be strong. It is not easy. i feel an emptiness that will never be filled.The pain doesn"t stop, we just have to learn to deal with it. It is a cruel disease. I hope you get some comfort with prayer. One of the things that gets me thru the day is, my dad is no longer suffering. He is at peace with the lord.
Lisa

You are grieving, sad and depressed. Please get some help right away!! Your Dad would Not want you to live this way. There is alot of help out there. Call your local Alz. Assn. for support!!!

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Peace and Hope,

lisa
thank you for your reply. some days are good some are not. i live in nj and my family lives in Ct. It is easier to deal with when i see my family. We are going up to ct for a birthday party this weekend. I am looking forward to it. I am also visiting my dad's grave for the first time since he has died. I feel very apprehensive about it. My dad is around me all the time. But seeing hus grave is a whole other story. thanks again
lisa

Dear Lisa,
Visiting your Dad's grave for the first time will be very tough! Just remember, he's not there, he's passed into a better place! If you feel like you need to go see the grave and talk with him then that's what you need to do for you. Remember, you are your Father's daughter and you carry him with you always!

Please, let me know how you are doing.

Peace and Hope,

There is something worse than watching a loved one die from Alzheimer's and that is stopping living because it happened to you and your family. Throw that guilt in the garbage as best you can. We all felt it, but you did not make the disease, and you can't cure it. You love him, you got him in a decent facility, and you visit and tell him you care. That is all you can do for him. Now do something for yourself and re-engage with life -- enjoy all the little things that we take for granted, all those things you would do if you knew the world was ending tomorrow. Other people won't understand what you've been through, so don't expect them to. Even though you feel broken and lost, keep and grow your social network. You will heal. Take a trip, start hiking, start a myspace page, take an Italian course in Cont. Education, learn something new, but LIVE!
www.myspace.com/mattsimsmusic