We just moved Mom into a nice assisted living facility yesterday (without her consent, as she has no logic or reasoning ability left at this point.) I believe it was the right decision but how do I deal with the feeling that I betrayed her trust? When I call to check on her they say she's asking over and over to go home. I know this is to be expected, but does anybody have any thoughts on how you can ease this transition? We've done the familiar furniture, photos, etc. What is missing is us, her family. The facility director recommends we stay away for a period of time to let her adjust, and I know this is probably necessary but how do I deal with the pain of knowing she's scared and not understanding why this is happening?

Your post is heart wrenching. Would it be possible for a family member to stay with her for several nights. I know the facility director is trying to help, but your mom feels alone. At least have someone there early in the AM to have breakfast with her. Help her to meet different people that will become a familiar face to her. After several weeks she may adjust to being alone. I know it's hard, but hang in there and do what you can to make the transition easy on your mother, hence it will be easier for you.

The director probably treats it like when you leave a child at daycare. It's better if you just go because then they'll learn it's OK...But, your Mom is not your child, and she doesn't need to learn a lesson to grow up to be an independent well adjusted adult! Do what you feel best, and if you want to stay with her or have someone with her, I'm sure she'll adjust either way. I don't have any personal experience with this, and I may be way off, but if it hurts you more to leave her there alone, then why even do it. Has any one had experience with "weaning" her away from the family, instead of the abrupt way the experts want you to do it? It just seems hurtful for both of you this way.

Felicia

We placed my father in June 2007. He was the first resident in that home. They let my mom see him after one day even though they asked her to stay away for a week. Once they let us visit,I was there everyday so was able to observe around 20 other residents adjustment to their new environment. Every resident handled it differently. My dad always asked to go home. (the whole 9 months) Most of the time he meant to his mom's house. I told him his parents were on vacation and we didn't have a key.(They are dead.) Or my mom told him when he was well again they would go home. Toward the end he barely left his room. He died in March....I personally don't understand the experts way of "weaning" the resident. My parents were married for 60 years and this was tougher on my mom than my dad. This "rule" needs to be revisited....Just remember that Alzheimers is called the Long Goodbye. Once I truly understood that, it put things in perspective ......There is an old book out there called Visiting Mom that is very helpful....Consider yourself hugged.

When we moved my grandmother into the Alz Care Facility, the director told me that I could just follow my heart when it came to visiting her. She said that every resident goes through an adjustment period regardless of whether or not they had visitors.

One thing that my mom did was to send cards in the mail every day. Nan loved getting mail, just as she had at home, and it made her feel more "connected." Whenever I visit Nan she always pulls out all of the mail that she has received.

(((hugs))) I hope that you find some peace.

Estee, what a great idea about the mail! That really would make them feel more "at home". I'm going to ask my family to start sending us more letters. Even though my Mom is home with me, I think she would not feel so useless and alone if people sent her quick little letters.

Thanks, Felicia

WoW we about to do the same thing!!!!Its a few weeks out but coming soon.. I already feel bad because my parents retired to a place no one can live if they they need to make a liveing!!

My mom is terrified and i dont blame her. But I cant be there 24/7 I live 900 miles away! It is so hard and the guilt is horrible I wish I could be with her I know she is scared, what to do?
Her husband is with her and taking very good care of her, I have been there as well as everyone else. Its soo tough!!!

Thanks again to all of you for the ideas. Now what I'm realizing is that I will be visiting very soon, I'm really AFRAID of the outcome. I know Mom will be so glad to see me, but then how do I extract myself? Will it be like when my son was 3 at daycare and I had to walk away from him sobbing and screaming MAAAMAAA? We actually went through a similar scenario last year when we had to place Mom in respite care for a month due to caretaker problems. We held off visiting for a week but when I did see her it was great for a minute then when she realized she wasn't going home with me all hell broke loose. I have a routine mapped out (we'll sit together and do something simple like look at a picture book or do a simple jigsaw, maybe plan at lunchtime so we can eat together, then say I have to go to get the kids to school. Keep it short but go as often as I can, 3 days a week). So that's the plan but I am so scared that she'll go straight to the intense 'take me home' mode and I'll be lost and it will set her back to square one again. Any ideas?
Betty's Girl

I am about to go through the same thing. We have been struggling to find a place that we can afford and at the same time will make Mom feel comfortable. The idea about sending mail is great!!!

Although I haven't been told otherwise yet, I would have thought that (at least for AZ patients) it would be helpful to do the opposite of what the director had suggested-- that is to visit a lot at the beginning until there was a comfort level and (hopefully) a little sense of familiarity. I can understand the "stay away" theory for other types of patients in an assisted living situation but my gut tells me that its just wrong in this situation. Very wrong.

My Mom still has enough moments of clarity when she ASKS me to "put her away" or "lock her up" because she doesnt want my children to see her like this or remember her this way. I suspect that when I actually do get her placed, she will forget all that and go through the "take-me-home" thing anyway.

Good luck to you. And keep doing what we are all trying to do.....be there for them.

This sounds so heartbreaking for all of you.

I think it's a good idea to just tell her you have to pick up the kids and you'll see her later. She may get sad later, but better sad later, than sad both when you leave AND later. As everyone has been saying, it seems she'll be OK after an ajustment period...you need to not feel guilty. You will feel sad, but know it's the best thing for everyone and it's not your fault. She has a disease, like if she had cancer and you couldn't perform the Chemo yourself, it just can't be done. You love her and she loves you and that will never change. I like the idea about letters. How good are the people at the home, maybe they could deliver some notes to her every night. And hopefully, she'll find a friend that she can attach herself too. Maybe you could go there sometime without her seeing you and find someone that you think she'll get along with and have lunch with both of them. Then when you leave, she'll have her friend to talk to.

As I said before, I never went through this so I don't know what's best or if it's even plausible.

I'll be praying for you to find peace in your heart and to take the guilt away. You've done the best you can to this point. She will be taken care of, don't worry.

Felicia

I can only share with you what happened in our case. I think you have to weigh the advice and suggestions of all and decide what you think is the best approach for your mother.

I placed my mom in an ALF the beginning of March and while she 'agreed' to move she put up a lot of resistance to it. I arranged for a friend and me to completely set up her apartment before she arrived. My daughter and my husband were going to bring her over after the apartment was set up. I was gone before she got up that morning, but when she got up she told my husband she would not stay at her new apartment that night. She was adamant.

They brought her over to see her apartment but she told everyone she saw that she was not staying that night. So I told her she could spend another night at our house with the understanding that she would move to the ALF the next day.

My daughter and I took her the next morning. She wanted us to stay for lunch and didn't want us to leave. She got very teary eyed.

I told her we couldn't stay for lunch and asked the director if they thought it was alright for me to leave her. They said she would have to get used to being there at some point. I told my mother that I would be back later in the day. A couple of the staff walked her into the dining room and introduced her to her tablemates.

I dreaded going back, but when I got there I was surprised to see how well she was doing. Whatever had happened was like night and day. She didn't remember I was coming, but was happy to see me.

I guess what I experienced is not the usual. It was not bad like I had anticipated. She participates in many of the activities and likes where she lives now.

Dementia is new to all of us at one point if a loved one has it. I've found that new situations come up all the time. I try to seek suggestions from people who have been through it before, but I always have to consider the differences in my mother's and my personal circumstances. I've also accepted that I will make mistakes but hopefully not the same one too often. Dealing with dementia is tough. What works for one person may not work for another. Personalities and relationships add to the dynamic. They're not all the same so the same solutions may not work for all.

I wish you and your mother the best possible outcome.

Kate

If you post your question on the Caregiver's Forum, you will get lots of responses. Many others are going through this right now, too. You can also use the "Find" button to search for previous discussions about this.

Good luck.