recently had to put mom in nursing home. it was the hardest thing i have even done, and i'm not dealing with it well at all. she just can't live alone anymore
jeanette p

We had to put my mom in nursing home last July, just 3 days after my sister died. Mom had developed an Alzheimers condition throughout my sister's illness and then had the stroke 3 days after the death of my sister, so shes ben in a nursing home ever since. My dad can't care for all her behaviors 24/7 and all mom does is want to come home. It's soooooo sad. Talk to me whenever. I don't handle it well at all either, so I think it would be great to share this together. Susie

Really bad about your mom,I can feel for you.
It was probably the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, putting mom in a home. I felt so guilty, but I had no choice. She has really gotten bad since last Nov. I just couldn't believe the change in her. She had these imaginary friends she was talking to. She is in a good nursing home, close to me, but her mind in really declining. She still knows who I am, but for how long. I feel so lost. I do have a brother, but he is of no use cause he is out of the country and he is one that has his own life and I should do what I have to. Nice isn't it. It's hard taking on all this responsibility all by myself. In fact, I just got all mom's income tax stuff ready. She got to the point where she would hide things including her mail. What a mess trying to get everything orginized. I guess in the longrun we become the parents. I have taken care of mom for six years now. She broke her hip in 2000, but was able live alone. I came out once a week and had a caregive help out. See, mom lived 50 miles from me. Not a hop-skip and a jump. Hopefully we can talk more. It feels good to talk to someone in a same situation. Nice to meet you Susie and look forward to chatting with you. jeanette

I moved this for you to the caregiver's forum.

quote:

Originally posted by jeanette p:
recently had to put mom in nursing home. it was the hardest thing i have even done, and i'm not dealing with it well at all. she just can't live alone anymore
jeanette p

I just put my mom in a nursing home two months ago and yes it is very har.But it is the best for her, she needs 24 hour care somthing i could not give her she is in the early stage i would say her short term memory is really bad. At first the guilt at me up and i was going to the home everyday and staying all day, then a friend told me why did i put her there if i could take care of her and i said i can't take care of her then my friend said why are u stressing youself out by going everyday and she was so right. Now i go about 4times a week and try not to worry to much about the days i don't go I know it will take time my mom is ajusting better each week. so it does get easier. so hang in there and u will be in my prayers

SORRY FOR WHAT YOU'RE GOING THRU. I CAN CERTAINLY RELATE TO THAT. MY MOM JUST PASSED AWAY TWO WEEKS AGO. NOW, ITS REALLY SINKING IN. I FEEL LIKE I'VE LOST A MOST IMPORTANT PART OF ME, CAUSE NO MATTER WHAT, YOUR MOM WAS ALWAYS HERE. IT'S UNBELIEVABLE HOW FAST THIS HORRIBLE DISEASE CAN TAKE HOLD, AND SO SAD TO WATCH HOW IF STEADILY GROW WORSE. JUST SPEND AS MUCH TIME WITH YOUR MOM AS YOU CAN, AND REFLECT ON THE MEMORIES YOU HAVE TOGETHER. ITS A TERRIBLE THING TO HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT YOUR MOM 24-7. IT TAKES A REAL TOLL ON YOU. JUST HANG IN THERE, YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY DOING THE RIGHT THING,EVEN THOUGH AT TIMES YOU MAY GO ON A GUILT TRIP. ITS NATURAL.MY PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU AND YOUR MOM. ANY TIME YOU NEED TO TALK, PLS REPLY, AND IT REALLY HELPS TO TALK TO PEOPLE WHO'VE BEEN THERE, DONE THAT!
JEANETTE P

Hi, Our mother has Alzheimers too, has been in hospital or care facility since early Feb. She has developed an imaginary friend. Often she refers to herself as "we/us", and speaks regularly to the friend; asked me yesterday if I had met "her." She then told me we would be on our own to get further acquainted (the friend and I). Have you known or read about this phenomenon is others with Alz? My husband died of it last year, but he never had an imaginary friend. Any research out there about this? Thanks!

quote:

Originally posted by jeanette p:
Really bad about your mom,I can feel for you.
It was probably the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, putting mom in a home. I felt so guilty, but I had no choice. She has really gotten bad since last Nov. I just couldn't believe the change in her. She had these imaginary friends she was talking to. She is in a good nursing home, close to me, but her mind in really declining. She still knows who I am, but for how long. I feel so lost. I do have a brother, but he is of no use cause he is out of the country and he is one that has his own life and I should do what I have to. Nice isn't it. It's hard taking on all this responsibility all by myself. In fact, I just got all mom's income tax stuff ready. She got to the point where she would hide things including her mail. What a mess trying to get everything orginized. I guess in the longrun we become the parents. I have taken care of mom for six years now. She broke her hip in 2000, but was able live alone. I came out once a week and had a caregive help out. See, mom lived 50 miles from me. Not a hop-skip and a jump. Hopefully we can talk more. It feels good to talk to someone in a same situation. Nice to meet you Susie and look forward to chatting with you. jeanette

This is a delusion and can take any number of forms. My husband would tell people all sorts of imaginery stories about business partners and legal stuff and it was amazing how easily people believed him. Having a 'friend' is not a bad thing. When I was a child I had an imaginery friend 'Honey' and we used to play jacks together, and paper dolls and it was wonderful.

I just wonder what's ahead. Mom isn't mom anymore. Quite childlike. She seems to sorta recognize me, Dad and my little sister, but I really dont know. She can't put two words together... She has been like this for 9 months now, since the massive stroke. The dementia has been obvious for about 1 1/2 years, since my sister fell ill and then died. I just wonder how long God can make her live like this. She sobs uncontrollably several times a day, she throws things at us when she's angry, she mostly gets mad when I return her to the nursing home, but I have no choice. We just recently started taking her on outings,(cause the hone is sooo depressing to stay at for a whole afternoon!) and I've become accustomed to toileting my own mother. Sigh. What does the future hold? It sounds just AWFUL, but I can't fathom 6 years or more like so many say... how can you possibly have that much strength? I have one helpful sister and two nonhelpful other siblings...

My mom has Alzheimers too. I am her care giver, the Alzheimers was hard enough and then she developed Sundowners. Sundowners is a disease that causes the mind to see things such as imaginary friends, little people, and/or someone is trying to hurt them all the time. We do have her on medication for the sundowners because they become so frighten. This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. One thing I do know is to try to stay very upbeat and happy around them,they know when your tense or upset and it makes them tense and upset. My mom loves looking at and smelling flowers, so I try to make sure she has fresh flowers close by.
If you need to talk let me know.
God Bless each and everyone of you.

quote:

Originally posted by Twice Hexed:
Hi, Our mother has Alzheimers too, has been in hospital or care facility since early Feb. She has developed an imaginary friend. Often she refers to herself as "we/us", and speaks regularly to the friend; asked me yesterday if I had met "her." She then told me we would be on our own to get further acquainted (the friend and I). Have you known or read about this phenomenon is others with Alz? My husband died of it last year, but he never had an imaginary friend. Any research out there about this? Thanks!

quote:

Originally posted by jeanette p:
Really bad about your mom,I can feel for you.
It was probably the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, putting mom in a home. I felt so guilty, but I had no choice. She has really gotten bad since last Nov. I just couldn't believe the change in her. She had these imaginary friends she was talking to. She is in a good nursing home, close to me, but her mind in really declining. She still knows who I am, but for how long. I feel so lost. I do have a brother, but he is of no use cause he is out of the country and he is one that has his own life and I should do what I have to. Nice isn't it. It's hard taking on all this responsibility all by myself. In fact, I just got all mom's income tax stuff ready. She got to the point where she would hide things including her mail. What a mess trying to get everything orginized. I guess in the longrun we become the parents. I have taken care of mom for six years now. She broke her hip in 2000, but was able live alone. I came out once a week and had a caregive help out. See, mom lived 50 miles from me. Not a hop-skip and a jump. Hopefully we can talk more. It feels good to talk to someone in a same situation. Nice to meet you Susie and look forward to chatting with you. jeanette

I'VE BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, AND KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL. IT'S THE WORST THING TO HAVE TO SEE YOUR MOTHER LIKE THIS, AND KNOWING YOU'RE HELPLESS. IT'S SO VERY HARD TRYING TO KEEP YOUR SANITY YET STAYING STRONG FOR MOM AND THE REST OF YOUR FAMILY. BASICALLY, YOU HAVE NO CHOICE, BECAUSE YOU'LL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR YOUR MOM, AND TRUST ME, AFTER SHE IS GONE, YOU'LL BE GLAD YOU DID ALL YOU DID. THERE IS JUST SO MUCH WE CAN DO IN CASES LIKE THIS. WE ALWAYS FEEL LIKE WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO SOMETHING MORE, JUST BE HER DAUGHTER AND REMEMBER ALL THE THINGS YOU HAVE DONE TOGETHER. I TOO, HAVE A BROTHER, WHO HAS BEEN USELESS, THE BURDEN WAS ALL PUT ON ME, BUT I DON'T FEEL ANGER TOWARDS HIM. I JUST FEEL HE WILL HAVE TO LIVE WITH HIMSELF KNOWING HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN, BUT WAS NOT THERE, WHEN HIS MOM NEEDED HIM THE MOST. AFTER ALL, WE ARE OUR PARENTS CHILDREN, AND, WE HAVE BECOME PARENTS TO OUR PARENTS, AND THAT'S WHAT CARING IS ALL ABOUT. WE OWN THEM THAT MUCH.
MOST IMPORTANT, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. YOU WILL NOT BE ANY GOOD AS A CAREGIVER TO YOUR MOM IF YOU DON'T TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. SOUNDS EASY TO SAY, BUT THAT I HAVE LEARNED. TAKE A DAY HERE AND THERE FOR YOURSELF, IT HELPS WITH THE FRUSTRATION, AND KEEP IN TOUCH. TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME.

JEANETTE

My mom has been in a home for the last 3 years, she was not diagnosed before, but we all knew she had it when she went to the store in her underware and didn't know it, she put her self on fire twice and lived to tell us about it. I live in Texas and my mother lives in Sweden, which is very hard for me. I can't just go over there and visit for the weekend if I want to. I just talked to her today since it is mothersday at home, and she thought I was my sister who lives 15 minutes from her. It is hard when I can't see her. I know she is fading fast, but it gets harder to accept, because usually when I call her, she remembers who I am and she is so happy to hear from me, and today she had no clue who she was talking to until I told her. She thought it was so odd that me and my sisters husband had the same name....She asked me what my husbands name was and when I told her she thought it was odd that my sister Nina's husband had the same name as Annika's (me) husband. I had to correct her and tell her that Nina's husbands name was Stefan and not John and she said "oh, that's right". My mom has always been very independent, she raised 4 kids on her own, and we are all doing very well....she needs to be proud of that, but all she can think of is how useless she is because she can't remember from one minute to another...
She will remember 20-50 years ago and talk about going home...in to a house I grew up in and we sold when I was 2 years of age... but she can't remember yesterday. It is hard, but I'm very thankful for a friend of mine who's mother has the same disease and we get comfort by talking to each other about it. Her mother lives in CA and it is a long trip there too, but my mother lives in Sweden and you can't just go up and leave for a couple of days...we are talking about at least 2 weeks ordeal..I just started a new job and don't know when I will be able to go home again...I just hope that when I do, it won't be to late.
thanks for letting me vent...it is needed sometime

quote:

Originally posted by jeanette p:
I'VE BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, AND KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL. IT'S THE WORST THING TO HAVE TO SEE YOUR MOTHER LIKE THIS, AND KNOWING YOU'RE HELPLESS. IT'S SO VERY HARD TRYING TO KEEP YOUR SANITY YET STAYING STRONG FOR MOM AND THE REST OF YOUR FAMILY. BASICALLY, YOU HAVE NO CHOICE, BECAUSE YOU'LL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR YOUR MOM, AND TRUST ME, AFTER SHE IS GONE, YOU'LL BE GLAD YOU DID ALL YOU DID. THERE IS JUST SO MUCH WE CAN DO IN CASES LIKE THIS. WE ALWAYS FEEL LIKE WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO SOMETHING MORE, JUST BE HER DAUGHTER AND REMEMBER ALL THE THINGS YOU HAVE DONE TOGETHER. I TOO, HAVE A BROTHER, WHO HAS BEEN USELESS, THE BURDEN WAS ALL PUT ON ME, BUT I DON'T FEEL ANGER TOWARDS HIM. I JUST FEEL HE WILL HAVE TO LIVE WITH HIMSELF KNOWING HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN, BUT WAS NOT THERE, WHEN HIS MOM NEEDED HIM THE MOST. AFTER ALL, WE ARE OUR PARENTS CHILDREN, AND, WE HAVE BECOME PARENTS TO OUR PARENTS, AND THAT'S WHAT CARING IS ALL ABOUT. WE OWN THEM THAT MUCH.
MOST IMPORTANT, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. YOU WILL NOT BE ANY GOOD AS A CAREGIVER TO YOUR MOM IF YOU DON'T TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. SOUNDS EASY TO SAY, BUT THAT I HAVE LEARNED. TAKE A DAY HERE AND THERE FOR YOURSELF, IT HELPS WITH THE FRUSTRATION, AND KEEP IN TOUCH. TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME.

JEANETTE

Just remember, you did the best thing for her...I understand, I had to do the same thing with my mother, and I felt so guilty about it, but someone told me "Don't feel sorry for yourself...you did the best thing for her and she is in a better place because of it" I was mad at first but did realize that she was correct....I felt sorry for myself and that is not good for me or for my mother.

IT'S BEEN A LITTLE OVER TWO MONTHS NOW SINCE MY MOM PASSED. I STILL HAVE MY DOWN MOMENTS, WONDERING IF I DID EVERYTHING I POSSIBLY COULD HAVE AS A DAUGHTER TO FOR HER AND WOULD SHE BE PLEASED WITH ME. THE PROBLEM NOW IS LETTING GO AND GETTING ON WITH MY LIKE. TO SOME EXTENT I STILL FEEL SHE IS IN CONTROL AND THAT I HAVE AN OBLIGATION TO HER. SEVEN YEARS IN A LONG TIME TO TAKE CARE OF SOMEONE, AND BASICALLY A GOOD PART OF MY LIFE WAS CARING FOR HER, SO IT JUST BECAME A WAY OF LIFE THAT IS HARD TO DETACH FROM, YET I KNOW THIS WILL PASS IN TIME, BUT I JUST DIDN'T EXPECT IT.

Dear Ladies,
You can get maximum exposure and responses if you post in the "CAREGIVER'S FORUM".
This("CHAT GUIDE") forum is for questions and concerns regarding the "Live Chats" in the chat rooms.

I just don't want you to get lost in the shuffle!
Come join us in the "CAREGIVER"S FORUM"!
MAEBEE

hello i have'nt gotten that far yet , putting my mom in a home right noe she is getting home care , from in home nurse . its hard because i live in missouri an she is in utah, i been going out once in a while to check on her, an its getting real costly. but they say she is getting bad to the point where her stay at home isnt going to work no more getting bad. an i worry all the time . my husband worries about me say i need to slow down a little . but i cant she is my mom my 30 yr old daughter is taking it real hard she dosent want to admit that her grandma is really sick.every body says i should move her to a nursing home here . an i dont know what to do so if some one know that this the best action please let me know .she still know who we are an where she is , just forget what she just said . than you nan walker

quote:

Originally posted by jeanette p:
recently had to put mom in nursing home. it was the hardest thing i have even done, and i'm not dealing with it well at all. she just can't live alone anymore
jeanette p

Hi Jeanette

I too, had to place a parent in a nursing home and it was a tough call for me to make. He was living with me for many years and it just got to be so hard, for both of us.
I'm am living with the guilt of moving my Dad, but I know for his safety it had to be done.
I'm here to chat if you ever need too, I really
don't know many people going through this, so a new friend is always nice.
Michele, PA

I just placed my mom in a nursing home Monday. She is in I think stage 6. My dad is 77 years old and was her primary caregiver for 4 years. It just got too much for him. She can not bathe or dress herself and is having issues going to the bathroom without making a mess.

My mom asks him everytime we go there to take her "home". The thing is when she was at home I would get nightly calls from her asking me to come get her and take her "home". Has anyone dealt with this? And how do you respond when they ask you to take them home from the nursing home.

My Dad has ALZ and is in Florida. My Mom had been taking care of him for about 3 years, and just couldn't do it alone anymore. We placed my Dad in a wonderful place, but it is so heartbreaking when he has lucid moments and still knows who we are. One day he knows all of us, another he doesn't know my mother, but asks if all us kids got to the airport on time. Have you all read the book "The 36 Hour Day"? Author is Nancy Mace. There are parts that your loved one has already been through, and there are parts that are coming up for you. Talks a lot about the guilt, anger, sadness and depression we all are feeling. Did any of you feel like, "This can't be happening to our family! It must be something else!" It's hard knowing that my folks are in Florida, and my sisters and I are all over the nation. We are planning visits to our folks every month or so, rotating between the 3 daughters. Hope you all can talk with me. I'm just so sad about all of this.

I know exactly what you are talking about. Its heartbreaking to go and visit her. I have that book but I haven't really read it. I have been so consumed with trying to find a place for her and worrying about my dad becoming ill and trying to balance my own kids that I just haven't had time for anything else. Now that she is in a safe place I plan to read as much as I can and learn as much as I can.

The problem I am having and I know its only been 4 days that she has been in the nursing home is that I have a really hard time making myself go see her. It breaks my heart when she asks to go "home" even tho she really doesn't know where home is. And there are people in her memory care unit that are worse off than her and its hard to see whats coming.

The guilt is almost unbearable.

Hello There Everyone: For those who are new to the Online Community, I would like to extend a very warm welcome. We are so glad you found us.

I would also like to extend an invitation for you to post on the, "Caregiver's Forum." This is the forum where the vast majority of the caregivers and families communicate problems, issues, and vent. It is the "happening" place here. When you do this, you will find that you get MANY responses and input to your writing.

If you have a particular problem/issue you would like to get a good amount of feedback on, I recommend you go to the, Caregiver's Forum and start your own discussion by going to the top left red bar and clicking on the word, "Discussion." Again, this will bring you many responses.

In any case, we are glad you are all here and we look forward to having you amongst us.

Johanna C.
Peere Volunteer

I have always said I wouldn't put my momm in a home, but things are changing. She is having accidents and has difficulty with toileting. She has had this oversix years, but I moved her in with me in November. She has her own room and goes to day care 5 days a week. It's hard because it's just me and I work daily.

My Mom has Alzheimers for at east 5 years.Like you,I can not,will not place her in a Nursing Home.I took a very early retirement to stay home and care for her.Somehow I am making it wirh both of our retirements ans Social Security.I do have someone to help me with her 3 times a week.Itr is so hard,but I manage.Thanks for sharing with us.

I have someone come in to get her ready for day care. The van picks her up at 8;00am. Someone is waiting when she gets hme around 5;00Pm. They feed her and get her ready for the night. I don't get home until around 6;00. I wish I could retire but I have ason who is graduating from High School in June. H will be going to college in Sept. It's going to be harder when he isn't here even though, he doesn't take much to do with her care. I don't have plans to put her in a nursing home, but I'm not as positive as I use to be. It's hard and sometimes I lose patience.

Margie and lovesmom, welcome to the message boards. The boards are organized into several areas, or forums. The one you are in gets very little traffic. I think you will find lots of support and encouragement on the Caregivers forum -- we'd love to have you join in the conversation over there!

I have promissed my mom that i will keep her wish of NOT putting her in a home and that i will take care of her shes in stage 4 no one in family will help me they say its my duty im the oldest child thats my JOB.but its so hard i feel im losing my mind trying to do everything myself plus work as many hours i can to get bills paid keep house clean take care of my dogs which i feel are the only thing at home that keeps me ok because i know they love me uncondisally. my mom keeps saying she hates me and blames me for things being moved that she forgot where she put them im so frustrated help!!!!!!

C Kirby---Welcome to the forums. In reading your post I could sense your sorrow over your mother's condition...frustration over the lack of support from your siblings...and...your daily struggle to do what you think is right.

Please consider posting to the Caregiver forum where you will get help and suggestions. This one does not get frequent visitors. To reach the Caregiver forum go toward the top of the page...Click on Message Board Forum Index...Look down the list until you find the words Caregiver Forum and click on it.