hi
my name is mary. i recently placed my mom and i am overwhelmed with guilt. i cant sleep and i am deoressed over this. i thought things would get better for my kids, my husband and myself , but it feels worse and i cant get over this. is anyone else having this problem.

mary

Hi Mary. My name is Kristin. The day before Valentines Day this year, we put my Dad in an "assisted living." It was so encouraging knowing the time was coming (we thought at first). We have been so worried about my Mom who's been his primary care giver. The day we moved him went as expected. He was mad, "couldn't believe we would do this" (though, at home always asked for someone to take him home), paced without a stop (prior to this he barely could make it to the bathroom at home, but now could suddenly walk miles!). The day seems like such a blur now. I do remember quite clearly the overwhelming guilt we all felt (my Mom, sisters and I) that day and many days to follow. There were moments we wanted to go and pick him up and bring him home. Somehow we let time take it's course. It's been a little over 2 weeks now and he's probably adjusted still more than we have. He still has his ups and downs, but most of the time he's content. We visit daily. My Mom did all his cares at home, so she plans her long visits for around supper time so she can get him ready for bed. We don't bring up the fact that he's at a "facility", we tell him he's in a place where someone can be there for him 24 hours a day. We promise to visit often. And we never say "good-bye." We had 100% support from all family members that it was time for him to move. I think many of them finally saw how this was wearing all of us down and how he needed to be somewhere "safe." He fell the day before we moved him (complete free fall backwards, luckily, into the dog's bed!), the morning of the move he slid out of bed. It was a huge struggle for my mom and I to get him up (I've been a CNA and am now a nurse, so, I'm used to assisting people up, etc). Granted he did have CNA's at the house during the day when Mom was at work, but 1 person could definitely not handle him if he fell! Ok, so I feel like I'm rambling. My Mom is sitting nearby feeding me things on top of what I myself have dealt with. I know this may not have helped 100%... All I can say is, keep reminding yourself of the things that the home is providing your Mom: Safety, security, routine, food/nourishment, 24 hour care/supervision, etc. Do not focus on the fact that you're not providing these things personally! You have to make sure that you and your family are also being taken care of, because if you don't you can't be there! That was one point we have heard at support groups. If you haven't already, pick up the book "the 36 hour day." My Mom and I both have one and refer to it often. YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING!!!!!! You need rest, nourishment, time for your family. Your Mom needs the "round the clock care" AND time with you too. Take care of you so she can have a little piece of you.

I can only share how we are getting through this from our aspect (Mom and 3 30-something daughters). Please share... someone's bound to say, "me too!" and might have a new way to handle or deal with what we're all dealing with 24 hours a day!

You are in our thoughts!