My grandfather is the one with alzhiemers. My grandmother died last September. This event took my grandfather to another stage in the disease. At first my father would remind him that grandma had died. I and my wife would do the same when we were visiting. It was gentle. No one would get upset. Lately my grandfather has will remember in 1 sentence that grandma is dead, but in the very next he will be looking for her. Well my father who is an only child has decided we are not going to say anything anymore about grandma being dead. I simply cannot stand to hear my parents relys I don't where she is or she is at work or visitng a friend. I guess what pushed everything over the edge for me was Easter dinner at our house on Sunday. Grandpa said I don't where Eva is? She has never missed a family dinner. The response was she must have forgot and got busy. My question is, Is this a good way to handle the situation? My grandfather was married to my grandmother for 68yrs. They were always together. This is why he is constantly searching for her and waiting for her. She will never be coming for him. I just don't know what is best. My grandfather is 88, my dad is 67 and I'm 43 and married with 2 15 & 13 who find this all confusing too. Who love their great-grandfather.

I can identify. The "therapeutic lies" are very upsetting for a parent who has taught their children that 'honesty is the best policy'. We made the decision to not include my mother in the wedding gathering of my daughter this past spring, because of my mother's unpredictable behavior. She occasionally asks if my daughter has gotten married and I say "she's thinking about it". I am fortunate my children are grown and understand, but I do sympathize with you and understand your concern for your childrens' perception of why we are lying to Grpa.

I can identify with your situation, and it can sometimes be more upsetting to family members than to the widow/widower. As long as your grandfather doesn't get upset when told his wife has passed, then it is probably fine to tell him. It may help to have a "picture book" of photos of them together with family, and when he starts to look for her and you tell him she is gone, you can pull out the book and start a conversation about past memories. This may provide some comfort and a way to distract him from his search.

Some have suggested adding the obituary to the picture book, but you will have to determine if that is more upsetting.

Use his "search" for her as a way to tap into old memories, rather than avoid or try to repeat that she is dead. When he brings up a memory, you might be able to "veer off" to another memory of your own about family events.

Take care of yourself,

Beth

I am going through the same with my mom. We now mention nothing to her about the goings on in the family. It's best to just agree, said yes or no or just not respond at all. My mom just carries on to the next subject. It's just something we have to deal with. She seems to be happier that way.

Hi,
I'm Carol O'Dell, and I speak to Alzheimer's and caregiving groups all over the country. I'm also my mother's daughter--and my mom had Alzheimer's and lived with me (my husband and I and our three children) during the last three years of her life.
She too, asked for her husband, my daddy, repeatedly. As the disease progressed, I think she even forgot she was married at times--and then began asking primarily for her mother. Her "losing" her marriage (they adored each other) hurt more I think, than her forgetting me.
What the "professionals" say to do, and I did this and found it most comforting for all of us, was that when my mother would ask for someone--my dad, her mom--who was no longer living, I finally learned to say,
"You miss Willie don't you? I miss him too."
Sometimes we'd just hug. Other times, I'd distract her with music or an ice cream bar. If she persisted or wanted to talk, I'd ask her something about say, their wedding day.
Sometimes she could remember and it made her very happy to recount a story.
I just had to play it by ear and figure out what kind of day it was--a weepy day--a forgetful day--or a day she could recall and enjoy a conversation.
I hope this helps.
~Carol O'Dell