My wife and I had an interesting conversation to say the least last night.
It started with her demand to see all my piercings.
to which I said OK ???????
anyway after that was not settled but at least temporarely put to rest , I began to think about the condition of my condition.
It almost feels like I have had a serious injury like loosing a limb....
except its the brain.
but they just don't make atificial brain parts.
and while one can see a limb gone we can't see the parts that are gone.
I told her that i knew I was not the same man she married [in mind] and sometimes I don't know who this new man is.
He loses his temper more often ,has no patientce with people , he can't seem to get the will to do he things he used to do.but it isn't as if he just sits around and does nothing, his mind is a whirlwind of activity ,never stopping i think I only sleep when the body gets exhausted from thinking so much.
Then when i awaken during the night the fight starts again.
I told her of my fears aboutthe future of this sickness and the fact that it will cause her and the family much agony.
so where is this going ...nowhere i guess it's just the spoutings of a madman,or something like that.
Weneed to spout now and then I suppose.
I does help for a short time but that relief seems to get shorter and shorter .

Sven, hang in there buddy! You're still figuring things out, which a lot of dementia guys can't do anymore.

A conversation with your wife, complete with showing all your piercings. Y'know, there's probably a movie of the week inside that particular development. Seriously. If only I knew some Hollywood producers.

Sven, I LOVE your description of losing a brain part, compared to losing a limb. You my friend are still wise.

"So where is this going" You took quite a journey.

Sven, I suspect you're like me, in regard to having been seen your whole life as The Smart Guy, and now you don't know how to adjust to losing your smarts?

I have been bitchy the last few days,yelling at the cat,making him stay out on the back porch.....he has a cat door.dog door.....I fly off the handle easy,snap at hubby.Have no patience at all with inept people,lol........I hate it when I'm like this......tomorrow will be better.........

Seven,
I've actually been noodeling the same questions. I came to a different conclusion however. To this date I've experienced the same personality changed you have mentioned.
My conclusion reads like this. A new personality (call him Al for now) has come to live with me. He asleeps on the white, dead cells on top of my hypocampus.
Al is always trying to mess me up but when I get tierd he has is way with crossing all the wires in his little room. That is when I begin to worry avout things that are out of my control which makes me more tiered and the death spiral comes in play.
This sounds like Phyc101 but here is the kicker... We have been diagnosedd with a live ending disease. There is no scientically substanciated cure and it is personal! I don't know about you but I allowed that thought to take over on a long standing value of mine to, not worry about things you can't change.
I'm gpoing to rest up, quit worrying and kick Al out of bed if not, totally out of my head! Then I'll be the goood ole Tom once again. If not I'll be the idiot wandering around with a smile on.

Hi to All,

I'm a different woman too. I sometimes don't even know who this person is and most of the time I don't like her!

The problem with our illness that you can't see it, feel it, touch it so it doesn't seem real at times! But, it is very real to us and our families who put up with us!

I think people with a terminal illness think too much! Perhaps that's our problem along with a lot of other problems?? Perhaps if we day one day at a time or even one hour at a time we'll be better off???

We do still have good days.

WHAT WAS > WHAT IS > WHAT IS YET TO COME

So described is our alternate universe where we find ourselves now. I neither wanted nor expected it to come to this. Like everything else in my life it came to this anyway! That is the one aspect of it about which I am not surprised. Why should this outcome be any different then the rest in my life?

It is so true like I am a guy who lost a limb and trying to grapple with occupying what’s left. The rules are altogether different, they are not changing, excepting for their potential to get worse, which they do. That is the immutably true rule of it all!

Loss of a limb is a good metaphor for the loss of the parts of the brain that turn out MIA. We are not absolutely sure they are gone just like the phantom limb that seems still there. But try and pick up something with that phantom hand and it doesn’t move one iota.

I call this a paradigm shift. The rules change as we change to accommodate the new rules. We have to do differently to survive in them. And, change we do!

Probably the first dimension shift is the universe around us. It gets so much smaller. Then our aspirations, expectations, hopes and desires do a number on us. Within the more limited viewpoint produced in our new world we long for different things. Peace, routine, less distraction, interesting things to occupy our time.

I don’t want to travel as much or spend a lot of time in crowded circumstances. I find movies and TV can be a blessing for escape, more times too distracting to make the effort to try to follow it. I love to socialize but hate it when it is under circumstances where the normal with whom I am communicating keep racing ahead of me in conversation and stream of ideas.

I just can’t handle a lot on my plate. One thing at a time, start to finish before something new. That is the only way it works.

The good side to all of this is in the absolute aspect of all of this change. That is the way it is; it gets no better just worse! This but offers two choices: 1. Get angry, frustrated, burn skin off your own butt. 2. Make the best of it.

The second choice reaps reward! With the abrupt change, the new rules as the result, the “have to’s” which have dominated so much of our life no longer apply. The only obligation remaining for us is to get from here to wherever this demonic dervish is taking it. Ours is but to find a way to enjoy the ride.

Is this a hard order? You bet it is. It’s the only one nevertheless.

I hate where it leaves my wife, penniless if my time in stir (nursing home) is at all long. So, I concentrate on changing the system. There are way too many silk gloved hands in the profit pocket of the Health Care Infrastructure. Health care for us in the later stages need not be so cost prohibitive.

Too much of the effort in support of our needs is directed to finding a cure. The horse is out of the barn, so? Rather than build it a new barn how about cleaning the barn so the horse can stay home?

I need only to do those things I can. This is the best part of all of it. I no longer need be all of those persons I was to all of those I was trying to serve. I am capable of no longer being anything else but me. I said it best when I characterized this new life in this way:

quote:

No longer am I that hot shot trial lawyer, wearing my three peace designer suit, tooling about in my fancy white Mercedes, being important. Now, I am but another guy on the bus!

If there is no longer time to do it all, or the ability to perform at it, toss it out the window and look only to what you enjoy and can do. Then do just that!

Live within your framework and leave enough time for a nap!

Mike
Verbosity is the sign of a successful Lawyer .
I love it .
My future SIL is a lawyer and I can just imagine the converstaions between him and my Daughter,she could be a very good lawyer.
I want to thank all of you for your input you know together we could run this world and quite well .
Only problem "they" just won't ask us to,such the pity

You may appear to be different, but remember you are still you. Have you thought about giving your wife respite by attending an adult day care? You may not be at that point yet, but down the road, it may be a way to give you time away and her time alone.

Dear Teacher's Pet,

Hello and Welcome to the AD Message boards.

Thanks for joining in!

I love the Hal Lindsey saying you have at the end of your post! It's really great!

Would you tell us a little more of your story??

Hello Teachers Pet! My name is Tom and I would like to join Lisa in Welcoming you to this site! Please tell us more about yourself and thank you for supporting our members!

I saw a definetion of Hope that said Something pleasurable anticipated for in the future ,but with doubt...
Also Hope is anticpation of a good outcome ?
both of these are correct in as far as they go ,but that isn't very far.
so that said, a prognosis of,no cure possible or known, Only treatment is of the symptoms.
can't really slow it down ,so it will run at it's own pace.
So the only outcome is Death so is Death,
Hope?
A realistic man which I like to think I am would come to that conclusion ,now lest you all come down on me like stink on S--t.
That realization does not mean i will give up living ,I mean afterall I have a bucket list to empty yet.
Yet if I were to fall in front of a bus or fall victim to some fast moving illness it would not be at all bad,at this point.
The Future of a patient with picks is not to be greeted with anticipation.
These are my views ONLY .
It is just my way of coping with the situation as it is and will be.
Just know that I am good with this ,I still have God and his eternal life promise.
I have accepted Him and He me,this I know.
i am not going to do anything stupid ,believe me,it an't in da cards guys!!!!
love you all so much

Sven, can't say I find a problem in anything you said. And really, I think the way you've expressed it fits a lot of terminal conditions, in addition to ours.

I think back on how my father talked about his terminal heart disease. Just a couple months before his last heart attack, I asked him if he'd considered suicide. He had, but it was always with bargaining. He'd tell himself he could take the level he was at, but much worse and bang it's over. But then, he said, he'd get worse, and find there were still interesting things he could do, friends who could visit. So, he'd make a new bargain.

Like he said, I can handle what I've got. And I'm afraid of what's around the corner. But, I expect I'll find a way to fit it in, and keep going.

I think for me, that's as good as it gets.