I confess I rarely look at your blog, but I did look a few minutes ago. The point I want to comment on is, what happened to your mind when you couldn't think of anything, then got anxious, and it became a very upsetting event.

I wish I could say you're alone on this one, but you're not. Last week was more off than usual for me. At least a few times, trying to have a conversation with someone, I kept forgetting what I was saying, and what I had said. I'd listen closely to the person talking, hoping to pick up a clue. I really can't remember it in detail, but I know I couldn't hold anything in my head, and I had to fall into smile & nod mode for conversation.

Lots of the time, I can't immediately come up with something, including what I'd said 3 seconds earlier. Often it'll come to me if I get quiet and reflective. But, there are times when my mind just can't slip into gear, it just spins and goes nowhere.

These are the dark times, when a glimpse of our future barges in. Inwardly I'm thinking, stay away, just let me keep what functioning I've got and leave me alone!! But Alzheimer's answers, "No."

Alan,

The monster was upon me today and hard to shake. It's scary to do this alone.

These are dark times. These glimpses of OUR future are enough to make me want to throw in the white towel! But for now, I won't. I'll take each day as it comes (sometimes fighting and kicking sometimes quietly). I'm afraid to wish wish for things anymore. I'm not sure what I'll get!

Thank you, Alan, for reading and sharing and caring.

I know you are fighting you own demons. Mine seem to have gown quite large these days and are quite menacing!

Hang in there, Alan.

How is your wife doing???

quote:

These are dark times. These glimpses of OUR future are enough to make me want to throw in the white towel! But for now, I won't. I'll take each day as it comes (sometimes fighting and kicking sometimes quietly). I'm afraid to wish for things anymore. I'm not sure what I'll get!

First, about my wife, tomorrow/Monday is a big day: She gets her chemo port removed. IV anesthesia, of course, not inhaled!! She's looking forward to it, sees it as another step back to being a normal person.

I find that to cope with the dark times, I have to have some issues resolved. Most important seems to be suicidality. It isn't my nature to be suicidal, but I think anybody with Alzheimer's would have to consider it. Anyway, I've promised my wife, some friends, even doctors who have all asked about suicidality, and I've promised them all that no way no how no exceptions. I think this helps by giving the feelings a boundary.

Like you, I think a lot about thinking, e.g. what to think about the future. I think I'd be best off if I didn't think about it anymore, at least for right now. I can't believe I'm still getting worse. I really thought I'd fool everyone and get better, but that isn't happening.

So yeah, dark times indeed.

Alan,

I'm so glad to hear about your wife! Less invasive things mean less chances for infection which means more normalcy. That's great! Give her my love!

I do know about that suicide thing but like you I've made my promises and will stick by them for now.

I think it's really strange that we think alike, Alan. I really thought I'd fool the doctors et al and get better too. Was it just wishful thinking?? I think you're right. We have to stop thinking so much. It's hard to do since that's how we are and what we were trained to do!!!??

Let's try to think about lighter times, huh???

Lisa & Alan

My heart goes out to both of you. The glimpses of the future are horrific! Don't let the monster prevail!

I think I can understand the negative thoughts in your heads. I too contemplated suicide. I refuse to let the monster to have it's way soo easily.

Alan, I'm so very happy for your wife. She's had a long struggle with all of this, your illness and hers. I hope that you both are able to continue making those precious memories.

Lisa. I don't know how you are doing this alone. You are obviously a very strong woman! I pray that I'll be able to do as you have and are doing. I fear my future alone. You are an inspiration to me.

After reading both of your blogs all I can do is cry. Cry for you and for all of us that suffer with this monster. Additionally, I fear our futures.

Please know in my heart that I have respect and deep admiration for both of you

Dear Mary,

You are a very strong woman yourself! Don't be fooled by a little fear here and there.

Thank you for reading and caring and sharing. I need all the help I can get!!

How are you?? And how is your daughter doing??

Sometimes, we all just need to hang on tight to this roller coaster! It's trying to throw us off!!!

My sweetheart's IV port was removed, really a simple procedure, over before I'd settled into the new-to-me waiting room. Other than the post-op pain she expected, not much to it. She's had a good long nap, so we'll just sleep on it and see how she feels in the morning.

Mary, thank for your kind words. And thanks for sharing your fears, I sure have a lot of those, too. Certainly I fear my future, but I must confess that I'm often curious, too. Curious to how it's all going to happen, curious to see how my self-awareness factors in as my dementia mounts.

Lisa, as for roller coasters, my favorite is to sit in the very front seat. That way, it's like you're flying. Way cool for barrel rolls.

Alan,

I'm glad to hear her port is out! That's good news!
I'm like you in that I always wanted to ride in the front and fly but now I don't feel that way anymore because this roller coaster is headed for demons of the unknown! It scares me!

Lisa & Alan

I too used to enjoyriding the front seat of the rollercoaster with crazy twists and the faster, the better!

Alan, I too am a bit curious how realizing the reality of mental loss is. But, I admit, I still
fear it. For me now, it's the loss of conversations, never remembering the day or month let alone beating myself up because of the frustration. Sometimes it's bareable, sometimes not. I still fear the loss of my depth perception. At times I find myself thinking what next?

Lisa, thank you for asking about my daughter. I think my "blow up" with her has turned her around, at least for now. She's more coomunicative and now has her "eyes open" to this horrible disease. Or, at least it appears this way. She's with me at each physical therapy session and has "first hand look" at what I am currently going thru.

quote:

Sometimes it's bareable, sometimes not. I still fear the loss of my depth perception. At times I find myself thinking what next?

One thing about our futures, my doctors have all said I'll feel better when I'm less self aware. I'm less self aware than a year ago, not sure I'm feeling better yet.

I haven't noticed depth perception problems yet. I hear it's common.

But yes, I find myself wondering what's next, too. I'm pretty sure there's no excess capacity in my brain, so whatever I'm losing will matter. I know that I'm having trouble reading scientific things that I used to enjoy. If it involves a higher level of thinking about something new to me, I can't hack it any more.

Losing memory is one thing, but add to that loss in intelligence - - good grief!!

Mary, Alan et al,

Mary, I'm glad things are better with your daughter. I think she just needs some help with dealing with her Mom having this terrible disease. Depth perception is a problem for me too!

Alan, I keep waiting to feel better as I am less aware but it ain't happinin'! I hate the feeling of loss of intelligence!

Lisa, I keep hearing from my docs that I'm the only one they've seen or heard of, to be so far into dementia, yet still painfully aware of what's happening.

I tell them there's a nurse in the NOLA area that's at least my equal.

Wow Alan,

What a feeling to share!