Yesterday, had my last visit with psychiatrist before my SSDI hearing. He was very reassuring, that I wouldn't have any problems. In fact, he'd submit (as requested) his note for that visit. He seemed quite proud of himself, as he wrote the note & said, "There, now there's no way there'll be a problem."

I appreciate that he's trying to help, I really do. But, I was . . . stunned? . . . as I listened to his confidence in my being found disabled. He assured me I am disabled, that it isn't even a close call.

How am I supposed to feel, hearing that? I honestly don't know.

Well I tell you, Alan.

It's very mixed. On one hand yes, you need the SSDI on the other it feels like life is over!

I said to my doctor "What do you mean I'm disabled?" NEVER to work again! Those are strong, powerful words! I thought I'd be working for quite some time yet!

On the other hand, we needed the disability!

So, your feeling are mixed!!

Good Luck!!

Please, let me know how it goes!

sorry Alan, some times you cant win for losing.

vjh, so true, so true. I had such high expectations for my middle years. As did we all. Who expected their productive lives to be shortened like this?

I'm just doing the best I can with what I have for as long as I can.......

Hi Alan,
Just don't dwell on it bud. The cards are dealt and all we can do is to do the best can. I've been going through a very similar bout of living through the oximoron of trying to be happy with making the best of this terrible situation. If you let it bother you it is like flushing yourself down the toilet. Avoid the death spiral and accept pleasure with the sucess.
How would you have felt if your doctor had told you that you are fine and asked why you are appying for SSDI?

What kindered spirits we have become, all of us on this road we must travel.
no road signs except One Way Only and No more rest stops .
Until the final sign ,Dead End ,No Outlet.
But the one that is missing is,Rest In Peace.
Which we will knowing we have fought the good fight.
So let us put our shoulders together and trudge this highway,if one of us stumbles, We will pick them up and keep going.
Because we have no other choice.
Our worst is our best.

Good grief . . . why am I crying after reading the replies? I think that's the only thing I can do.

I'm so grateful/sorry, that there are people who understand how I feel.

Like you, Alan,

I thank god/the force, whatever, for all of you!

I am so sorry you are all going through all this but at the same time I am soooooo grateful to have people to relate to who can truly understand!

Y'all are the only ones who really understand!

Alan & All

I know the pain you are feeling. I guess the reality is hitting you.

In a way, the "sentencing" of a future death... well, we "grieve" as we would a friend or family member! The only difference it is us. All of us on these threads.

We all will continue to "pick each other up" as long as we can. Hopefully, before any other newly diagnosed person starts attending us here on these threads a "discovery" will be made.

In the meantime, keep loving your wife. Be ever so proud of who you are and who you have helped during your lifetime.

I'm proud to say that you along with all others on these threads, although we (most of us) have never physically met, we know each individual in the most profound way. We will all meet on a different plain.

M

You must look at the flip side

quote:

I'm proud to say that you along with all others on these threads, although we (most of us) have never physically met, we know each individual in the most profound way. We will all meet on a different plain.

Thanks. Me, too.

And too, I can write out my thoughts, and edit as long as I want, here on the forums. Can't do that in live conversation.

With all the things going on with me that make me feel abnormal, these boards make me feel more normal.

Thanks to all of you.

I've had a long talk with my Allsup advocate for this coming Tuesday's SSDI hearing. I pity anyone who tries to organize me!

I have the benefit of having been in court scores of times, work related. Heck, I've been qualified as an expert witness bunches of times, in the working days. But I don't think I've ever been the subject of a hearing. And to say the obvious, it feels a lot worse to be the focus!!

The hardest assignment I've been given is, to answer without analyzing. My autopilot is set on "Analyze," and I don't know if there's an "Off" switch. But it's my way, to explain things, always partly on "Teacher" mode.

Yesterday, my psychologist joined my psychiatrist in saying that a decision on my ability to work should be obvious. Then we pause, and then wonder aloud if my hearing will be an honest search for truth. Or will people be against me, trying to find fault, trying to see if I'd give up a management and practice career that pays about 5 times what the SSDI will provide?

My primary care physician has said that most of his patients getting SSDI are in better shape than I am.

And will I be able to maintain dignity, without crashing into despair, or rage? I'm afraid that crash is inevitable, but I have no choice, those surges come from somewhere beyond my conscious control.

Alan,

It's very hard to be the "center of attention" in your own hearing. Like you, I used to help the judge and others make decisions about other people's credibility and disability. I, too, analyze way too much (or so I've been told).

Yes, you will be able to maintain your dignity!!! And, you do have a "choice" about crashing and burning. I know you are filled with anxiety. Please, try to take your meds, take some deep breaths and try NOT to run the show!! That's someone else's job now!

I'm thinking of you!

Hang in there!

Alan I was tickled to death to finally get my SS/Medicare at age 60.At least I was getting some money since i couldn't work anymore......Enjoy it live life to the fullest that you can while you can.......You can you know.......

Alan,
This will be the fourth time I've tried to reply to you this time. Typing seems to be a problem this morning!

In reply to what I think your major concen is: Yes! Your concern must be a common thread for hard working Americans. Six months post approval finds me still on the edge of acceptance. Plus I think that it was easier for me because the fact that I could no longer hold a job by being fired from three jobs after my career position was ended. Being well educated in the "head" issues you should be able to reslove this concern quicker than I.
Don't be too hard on these guys that will be looking for a crack in your case. It is their job and thank God for them. There are a few people out there that would take advantage of the system and feel OK with being called disabled. You have several professions that have saked their reputation and livelyhoods on your diagnosis.

Thanks Tom. Today, my big concern is wondering if the proceedings at tomorrow's SSDI hearing will be a search for my truthful circumstances, OR if it will be a game where everybody's trying to make me look like a welfare cheat.

Alan,

That sounds a little paranoid.

I know just the thought of tomorrow's hearing is stressing you out! Take some extra Seroquel, take some deep breaths, Don't over-analyze, and try to relax.

Most of them will be on YOUR side. We'll be there with you in thought too!

Don't freak yourself out! Calm is the word for today and tomorrow.

Thinking of you.

Lisa, thanks for the wise words. As for me being paranoid, I've always thought a moderate degree of paranoia is appropriate. Kidding aside, I think I know what to expect from the judge, but it's the experts the judge has called that concern me. I don't know them, and I don't know how they see their role in my hearing.

It's a fact that if an expert witness sided with the petitioner too often, he wouldn't get asked back.

And I have three MDs and a PhD all saying I'm disabled!! What's the point of the hearing, if not to tear at my doctors & of course me?

Alan,
Here's my two cents...........Are you trying to cheat? I think NOT, so don't even go there. You are a person of integrity, and they will most likely see that. We all show who we are if we don't get caught up in fear, yes?
I'm sure I would, and will, be just as anxious as you are; it is so hard to have someone else making judgments about our life and boy does that make us feel powerless. My thoughts will be with you. You will be fine!

Dear Alan, I'm sorry the SSA is stringing this out so long when your life has been destroyed by your brain disease. You've been a contributing member of society for decades. Now you need help. I have no doubt that you will prevail. I'm praying for you.

Iris L.

Alan,

With 3 md's and a Phd on your side I don't think you need to worry!

We all believe you will prevail!

Again, we be there with you in thought!

Good Luck. Relax. Please, let us know what happens!

my heart is with you, alan.

Hey Alan,

What happened at the hearing?

Please, let us know. Are you OK??

Thinking of you.

Oh hi there Lisa! I posted a note about it somewhere, but who knows where exactly, not me.

Lisa, it was literally over before I knew it. The judge asked me a couple of things, and it was on to the two experts testifying long distance, on speakerphone. I think the whole thing was 10 minutes, no more than 15.

I remember very little of that day, but I remember the moment when one of the experts was testifying, and I realized that he was saying I was disabled since some date in 2007. They settled on March 2007.

The most confusing moment was as I set there, hopelessly overwhelmed at what was happening, when what seemed like suddenly - - my Allsup Advocate threw his pad into his briefcase, and almost ran towards the door. I looked at him leaving, then looked at the judge, and I was totally lost. My advocate came back, gently grabbing my arm he said let's go.

He said that both experts testified to me being disabled and getting worse. March of 2007. Now it's the months that have to go by until his ruling is typed up, and sent to Social Security.

There wasn't a second when things didn't go my way. I believe the judge just wanted to eyeball me, hear me talk, get the expert opinions I suppose. The experts totally agreed with my doctors.

Way to go Alan: Strange this idiotic disease, the insult of getting it, complicated by the self contempt of disability, then the impudence to make one go through this idiotic process of SS hearing. I did a little practice in it and once after a long talk with a hearings judge for SS i recognized it for what it is. He said when the democrats were in we seemed to have compassionate judges, when the republicans were in these guys were impossible. They could make Scalia look like a pussy cat!

Sorry our system put you through this Allen, I am doing redeeming acts for having spent my time there.

Dear Alan:
Hello dear forum friend, I've been gone awhile and was most interested in how you have been faring.

I am very pleased that your time in court was short and that it is working out in your advantage.

You are also right in that this is a bit of a hollow victory. Who would have guessed that being declared disabled would be a positive? Thank goodness for your experts who were diligently on your side of the ledger.

Thank you for keeping us posted, it is good of you to do so.

A hug is sent your way,

Johanna C.

Psychic hug received, and reciprocated. Thanks!

Johanna, right now I'm empty. Last week had my SSDI hearing, which for some reason made a wisdom tooth go into hades mode. The hearing seemed to go strongly my way, and I was sedated when my tooth came out, but still it's draining.

And I'm trying to think through how to live, wondering if my SSDI uncertainty had taken more from me than I thought, trying to listen to and play music more is my current strategy.

Not physically tired, but emotionally and intellectually.

Anyway, thanks for asking, and an update about you would be cool.

Hey There Alan:

A renegade tooth on top of everything else on your plate! I am so sorry and certainly hope that everything is going well with that.

I did leave a message for the tooth fairy, so we shall have to see if her budget allows for expanding her territory to the "older child" category.

In any event, I am glad your SSDI hearing is now past history. It sounds as though the outcome will be a positive one, and I am very happy for you.

As for me; not too much different. I was gone for two weeks with something that hit my GI tract and refused to leave. What the absolute cause was, I don't know. I'm just glad it's gone. I lost some weight with that, and was looking forward to a more svelte Christmas; but once I was able to drink a glass of water and eat a lettuce leaf, I fluffed up once again. Darn!

My step-dad's Alzheimer's is fairly stable now that he is receiving Seroquel three times a day rather than once in the evening. That particular regimen has made a HUGE difference in the quality of his life and his behaviors as well as function. He has had absolutely no negative effects whatsoever, and for that we are all grateful.

Since my mother's death in July, (FTD), I have not yet gone to empty her closet of her clothing. Logically, as an intelligent person, this is something that I could have done weeks ago, but a tiny kernel deep inside appears to be resistive to doing that.

My goal is to get it done within the next couple of weeks. The final act related to having her gone.

How is everything going with your dear wife; is it Emily, I think? Give her my regards and tell her I am thinking of her.

Anyway Alan, glad things are falling into place with the disability process and that the offensive tooth has been banished from ever bothering you again.

Take good care,

Johanna

"How am I supposed to feel, hearing that? I honestly don't know."

Well Alan, now you know how it all felt and you will be able to share your feelings with those who will also face the awful process of trying to get SSDI.

I was following your process on pins and needles waiting for the results.

You handled it all very well, with a few side effects.

Ditto on everything everyone has said above.

Sad for everyone going through this, but glad this part is behind you.

Johanna, glad to hear you're coping so well. As for that tiny kernel that wants to delay emptying the closet? I'll bet there's something in the closet that needs special attention. Your kernel won't let you throw it away, until you find it.

Becky, wow, what can I say about the results of my recent weeks? It actually was about as stressful as I'd expected. Well, the court hearing was way easier once it got going, but my anxiety was what I'd figured. I've got out of the house very little since then, but it's just been a week. I think I'm about ready to go work out again, see another friend.

Such a long, strange road it's been.

quote:

Originally posted by Johanna C.:
Since my mother's death in July, (FTD), I have not yet gone to empty her closet of her clothing. Logically, as an intelligent person, this is something that I could have done weeks ago, but a tiny kernel deep inside appears to be resistive to doing that.

My goal is to get it done within the next couple of weeks. The final act related to having her gone.
Johanna

You'd be surprised how good you will feel if you give it to a charitable oganization. Her earthly belongings will make several others happy for a long time.

Thank you Alan. Ttom, you are quite right. I am donating her clothing and other items to others in need. Her clothing and shoes are like new, so they will be a plus to someone.

Hugs to both of you once again,

Johanna C.

Alan,

Sorry to hear your intellectually and emotionally tired but glad all that SSDI hearing stuff is in the past. There's nothing wrong with staying home listening and playing music. It soothes the soul! Lightens the heart!

Johanna,
Glad to hear you're feeling better. Tackle that closet when you're ready. Also, glad to hear the seroquel is helping your step dad.

Becky,
Keep hanging in there.

Tom,
You're right. Donating personal effects of a loved one who has died does make one feel better because it helps others.

Cyber hugs to All,