Over the last couple of weeks, I've said "yes" to a friend who called at the last minute to go out to dinner, another friend who wanted to go to the movies, and several clients who need me to work on complicated projects. I'm also saying "yes" to myself when I want to go for a walk or go shopping. It's so nice to say "yes."

And I feel so guilty. The reason I can say "yes" is that my sweet mom is gone. It's so hard to put into words...I'm even having trouble wrapping my arms around all the emotions. I know Mom wants me to be happy and she wouldn't want me to just mope around, but my freedom comes at the expense of her passing. It's only been a little over a month, and I think/hope that as time passes I'll be able to compartmentalize, but right now, all my feelings are tangled up in a big messy ball and I don't know how to deal with it.

Has anyone else gone through this? I sure could use some help here...I'm spending way too much money on Kleenex.

Mary Ellen

Flying Beta - Hi. My mom died August 8th and the grief I feel has been horrible. It is so very difficult to sort out what we are feeling. Our emotions are intense and there doesn't seem to be a quiet place to put these feelings. I miss my mother terribly and have no control over the sudden sorrow that hits me and brings tears and crying that I can feel from the very pit of my stomach.

We will all get through this, but it is not easy. We need to try to take care of ourselves in any small way that we can.

Come here when you need support. As you know, there are wonderful, caring people who are going through the same horrible grief.

Take care.

Lisa

Mary Ellen,
YES! I was just talking to my cousin last night and she asked me how I was filling up my weekends now that I "have more time on my hands". I told her that it was a mixed blessing -- that I miss my mom, but I dont miss the stress, trauma, drama, and pain of all the caregiving and advocate responsibilities. I told her that it was nice to go to a friends house the other day and leave my purse and cell phone in her house while we sat outside in the backyard. And, how nice it is not to jump every time my phone rings now. And, how nice it is to be able to say YES to an invitation and not have to qualify it with a "if nothing is going on with my mom that day" statement.

I know that my mom too is happy now that I have my life back, but I still get sad and miss her terribly. She passed away in February of this year and not a day goes by that I dont think of her. I am still sorting out all the hindsight of her journey with AD in my mind and most of it is very sad to remember.

Blessings to you and everyone on this message board for understanding and being spot on about the feelings.

Mari

The weekends are no longer for visiting mom, weird empty feeling. The phone no longers rings at all hours of the day & night. My house is quiet now & I only hear my dogs barking. When I go out shopping to local food stores I am always reminded of mom. Last Friday I went to my local farm that I hadnt gone to in over a year. All I could think of is what I would buy her, she so loved her fruits. I use to say she was the only person I knew that would call food "beautiful". Everyday we remember, which is good because I dont want to forget her!

quote:

Originally posted by CareForMom:
I know that my mom too is happy now that I have my life back, but I still get sad and miss her terribly. She passed away in February of this year and not a day goes by that I dont think of her. I am still sorting out all the hindsight of her journey with AD in my mind and most of it is very sad to remember.
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Mari, that's just exactly what I'm feeling. And Rosa's daughter, I still find myself paging through Blair and Haband catalogs, picking out things Mom would look cute in. It's only been 6 weeks since Mom passed, and I know the sorrow will mellow and I'll be able to think about her the way she was before she got sick, but right now I'm so consumed with the frail, frightened woman she became. But I can feel her love for me all around, and that's helping.

Peace, everybody.
-Mary Ellen

Keep saying "yes" to things, and keep coming here to people who understand your mixed feelings. I am not sure anyone can truly understand unless they have lived it. I am relieved that my dad is done with the disease, but I miss him so much. It just doesn't seem real yet, even though it has been 5 months. Some days I just want to call and talk to him, but I hadn't been able to do that for a long time anyway.

One day at a time.....