I am so numb and in denial...when will the grieving really hit because I know it will but is this normal? It's been a week and I grieved more before she passed away...I look at her photos as if she's still here, I can't look at her things. My heart feels dead as I do inside. But I can't cry......

Hello Diana,
I am so sorry for your loss. Everything about your post indicates that you are grieving and it all sounds "normal" to me. Most of us on here find that some days are better than others, but other than that, grieving is different for everyone. We all grieved before our loved ones passed away too, since this horrid disease takes them from us a little at a time. I lost my mom due to AD in February, and not a day goes by that I dont think about her.

Unfortunately, there is no magic pill, or we would all be taking it. But, post on here and let us know how you are doing.

Peace,

Mari

Hi Diana. I am so sorry for your loss, and all that you are experiencing and will experience is "normal" for those of us who have lost a loved one to Alzheimer's. It has been 22 months since my mom died, and I still have very hard days when all I can do is cry. I miss her so much, but I miss the mom I had before AD. I try to recall memories of her before AD and that seems to help a great deal. I'll be praying for your comfort and peace.

Take care. Janet

I'm very sorry for your loss. I think numbness and denial are the first stages of grief. It protects us from being overwhelmed by the reality of what has happened. The feeling of your heart being dead inside is normal. You are heartbroken.

As mentioned in a previous post, grieving is different for all. For me, the second year was the worst. It's a very painful process. Allow yourself to feel whatever you feel.
Grieving is an emotional rollercoaster. What you are feeling today will probably change tomorrow and then change again in the days ahead. It's a process we all have to go through. Don't compare your grieving to others. Your heart will let you know when it's time to cry and when it's not.
You are not alone. We understand.
God Bless

Diana,

I'm so sorry for your loss. You started grieving the moment of diagnosis and haven't stopped!

What you are going through now are stages of grieving: shock, denial and so on.

As others have said, everyone grieves differently and in their own time. You may want to talk with someone about how you're feeling. You can always call the 24/7 AD Helpline @ 800-272-3900.

Good Luck and keep us posted. We're here!

One of the local churches here is getting ready to start a support group for those suffering from grief. Is something like this available where you live? It might help to talk about things. Maybe a book about grief? So you can understand what your heart and mind are going through.

Give yourself time. After all, you have been grieving her loss since she was diagnosed.

Mtdiana:

I would say you are grieving. Grieving doesn't always involve tears, thinking and feeling is always involved and from your post, it looks like you are very much doing both. You are grieving. It takes many different forms, very unique and personal and it's a process that takes a lot of time and it's something that never goes away completely, it does lessen in intensity in time, lots of time and it can also rear itself again at the most unexpected times.
My mom has been gone for nine years now and something will just hit me and I cry thinking about her. It took me a whole year after she passed, before I realized for an instant in the morning that I had to telephone her, every single day, that thought popped into my mind, it took me that long to realize telephoning her was not an option, as quickly as it popped into my mind, I snapped back and thought, oh, she's gone. You're really going to need to take good care of yourself during this time and be patient with yourself, your heart needs to mend.

Diana - My heart goes out to you. I just made a hair appointment and thought I'd call my mom to talk and then it hit me and hit me hard - that she's gone. The first place I came? Here, where I know you all understand.

The grief is very difficult, but we are so fortunate to have this site and the truly wonderful people who will help us all get through this.

Let yourself feel what you feel.

Remember that you are not alone and we are here to support you through this extremely difficult time.

With love and a BIG HUG -

Lisa

For the first time in many, many years, I woke up today and "I want my Mommy"! The person with AD passed on November 8, 2008. I don't miss 'her'! I awoke wanting my mommy that I had before, before AD, before I was a grown-up!

So I guess it's because of the 'anniversary' date and the holidays coming...but as someone else said, grieving lasts for the rest of your life with LOs. There's times & there's trying times.

Take care of yourself, allow your grief when you need to and NEVER judge yourself about feeling it, in what ever form it is for you!

Take go*d care, Shaye

Everybody grieves differently - my Mom passed away on Dec 15, 2008 so the one-year anniversary is coming up.

After the funeral was over and everyone went home, I was left alone. At first I felt very fragile but the next day I resumed my normal activities(work, chores, etc.)

What horrified me is that I was so relieved that my mom had passed and I didn't have to care for her any longer - I still feel very guilty about that.

My mom was my best friend and the best mother ever - I miss her every day .

JM-
When my mom passed the strongest emotion was 'relief' for me too! Yes, the caregiving takes it's toll, but also Relief for her! She is now whole again, out of pain of any kind. the last year of her life was not 'life'...just the diminishing form of the wonderful person she once was.

There was a George Carlin Special on last night. George was talking about 'death'. It's the 'fairest thing in life' he said; 'everybody is guarenteed to get ONE and only one.'

Just kinda made everything fall into place for me, My mom got her ONE!...yet I know this year is going to be harder than last year, then I was still in shock and exhausted from the previous months' ordeals at the NH.

Take go*d care, Shaye

My dad died Sept 14, and I am still hurting. I am having a hard time doing stuff. It seems parking my butt is the best, but I know I can't do this forever. I also ate my grief. I am so fat! Oh well. So, I was numb, too. Then I cried. Then I didn't. Sometimes it wells up and I cry, sometimes I sit in a stupor. I spent two years worrying about dad, and I still worry. I worry about what's going on in his coffin. That is stupid and horrible. I want to comb his hair. I want to rub his arm and talk to him. I want to tell him he was a good dad most of the time. So, it is a process. I don't know what to make of it. When Mom died I was younger and working full time and busy with my own family. Now I have a lot of time to think of "things." What is my worth? Etc...

I thought when dad died, it would be a relief. Instead, it's brought up some undone stuff from the past.

I guess we can hold each other up and say we are normal.

Now, the question as to when does grieving start? Grieving is many things, not just tears. It's confusion. It's being tired all the time. It's not wanting to do anything. It's wanting to isolate. It's eating too much and weight gain, or loss...

Sometimes, like mom, it took five years before I fell apart. I started smoking, drinking... Worse... Out of the blue...

These are hard times. We can not compare our way of dealing with death. if you're doing good, than praise God.

You know, I say I did all my crying when Mom was in hospice, especially those last four days. I got it all out of my system and didn't even cry at her funeral. I just felt kind of empty. I had to hold it together for Dad, too. He was at the same NH as she, and I had to be brave for him. I only cried in my private moments. I knew it was coming. I kept thinking I was just feeling sorry for myself and I didn't want do get into the self pity thing. And I could not stand to think of her like she was, all skinny, drawn, no teeth, bad hair. She'd never have liked looking that way.

Anyway, I didn't really lose it again until about four months later, when it came time get get ready to sell their house. All those memories. It was just too much for me. I'd find something that reminded me of better times and I'd just lose it.

Grief comes, it just sometimes comes in spurts. They call AD The Long Goodbye. You start to grieve long before the actual death. If she had died suddenly, it would have been different and I'd have felt justified in my grief. In a way, I was really glad she was done with her existance here and could be free and whole again. I don't feel bad about saying that, either.

I told myself that when Dad was gone, I'd grieve for the both of them because I wouldn't have him to be strong for.

I too have been wondering when is it gonna hit me.
My mother passed on 10/23, the last few days were terrible. Like Lammie said, she was drawn and skinny and looked awful. But I loved her anyway just like I always have. I try not to think about the last days. I think that her long good-bye was Gods way of spareing me the crushing pain I would have felt if she had been well and died suddenly like my dad. I was soooo close to my mother that had she died suddenly when she was her real self it would have been crushingly painful. Losing her bit by bit over the years made me strong enough to handle her death. I just know that she is with me now, she fully understands and I truly believe she is here to help me be strong. I have cried some and maybe the flood gates will open someday, but I don't know. I just feel this kind of peace now. Maybe it is relief, but relief to me means I wanted it to end. I only wanted the dying to end, and her to be normal again.
It is hard though, even though I am 52, now that both my parents are gone, I feel very "orphan-like". I know it happens to all of us but it is a strange feeling nonetheless.

I'm "orphan-like" too.

All of your posts have helped a lot. Maybe it is the relief that she happy and whole again, maybe God is protecting my heart because I want to be with my mama again, now. I won't admit she is gone. I glance at her photos but I don't think, don't want to think about her. Lammie, like you, I did my grieving the last three days of mama's life. She was doing fine until the last three days. Also like many of you, a blessing was that it wasn't sudden and unexpected. Can't imagine the heartache that would cause.
I was with my mama the night she left. They had started her on a morphine-like drug the day before and she had slept quietly for 24 hours. A friend was massaging her feet and another friend massaging her face and they told me her eyes were opened and focused. I climbed over her on the bed and asked her, "mama, do you want me to stay with you tonight, do you want me to spend the night with you?" She made a cooing sound and I held her hand while my hand was on her chest and looked into her eyes and told her "mama, we are all going to be okay, you can go Home to heaven and be with God now..." she took her last breath at that moment...but I still can't accept she's gone...I slept on her chest for 1 1/2 hours after she left. My heart goes out to all of you who've been experiencing the loss for so long. I truly wonder if I'll ever be happy again until we are with each other again. She saw my first breath, I saw her last...

Diana

Diane, I was with my mom during her last week. Spent my days & nights with her in the facility. I too told my mom that we'd all be OK and if she was ready to leave that it was OK. I thanked her for being my mom and told her I loved her.
I still can't fully except that she is gone and there are many times that I just want to be with her. I feel lost.

quote:

Originally posted by JM0312:
Everybody grieves differently - my Mom passed away on Dec 15, 2008 so the one-year anniversary is coming up.

After the funeral was over and everyone went home, I was left alone. At first I felt very fragile but the next day I resumed my normal activities(work, chores, etc.)

What horrified me is that I was so relieved that my mom had passed and I didn't have to care for her any longer - I still feel very guilty about that.

My mom was my best friend and the best mother ever - I miss her every day .

Dec 15, 2008 was my birthday and it was also the last birthday that I got to be with my mom. In a few days it will be 7 mos since she passed. The 1st week after my mom passed I didn't cry much and I kept wondering if that was normal. After that, I was crying all the time and then a few days would pass by and nothing. Every time I thought that I had cried enough, I'd cry all over again.
They say the grieving is forever but it does lessen with time and then come the holidays and it's back to crying a lot again. Most days on my way home from work, I cry. I'm crying right now too and I know it's going to get worse because of the holidays.

A year ago on Nov 7th was the beginning of my journey with my mom. When I found out where she was, I made a commitment to be with her as much as I could and tried to watch over her and be her advocate. This I had to do because I had no idea how long she'd be with us and I wanted to make up for lost time. Her last 5 1/2 mos, I visited her almost every day and some times twice.
I think I started grieving a very long time ago. I always felt that if & when my mom passed away that my family would break apart and that what we all once had would be gone.
I've been grieving the break up of my family and now the loss of my mom.

Oh I should stop already. Thanks for reading & may everyone find peace & comfort in all your sweet memories.

Sarah, reading this my eyes are filled with tears. My husbands birthday is December 15 & mine is the 29th. We all have dates that we remember,and it is good that we still do. We will never forget, because we carry them in our hearts always. I met with a medium last night for 2 hours. Sarah, my mom came through loud & clear. She wanted me to know that she is walking, her legs work again. She also insisted that her mind did work & people misunderstood her. She also said that she is sad that the family is not together, meaning my brother, she said he was selfish. She liked everything I did for her wake & Thanked me for all I did for her. She kept saying she didnt want to be a bother to anyone, which she said all the time when she was alive. I could go on because it was an amazing 2 hours that I didnt want to end. I think what I mean to say is that our journey did not end, it was just one part of it. I really believe that they are with us always!!

Let your body function on auto-pilot for a while. A year ago, right before Thanksgiving, I lost my mom. I don't even remember the holidays (even though we always entertain large groups of family for both).

Now, a year later, it's easier for me to analyze my feelings, emotions, transitions. My life is forever changed but it takes time to understand that tremendous life event.

Last year, I almost felt guilty that I was so numb and not really "feeling" anything. Now I understand it was God's way of helping me through those dark days.

Peace to you and your family.

OMG Anita! Reading what you wrote was as if it was my mom saying all those things! It brought tears to my eyes. I know my mom was misunderstood just as much as she too misunderstood things because of her hearing loss. There were/are many misundertandings amongst our family too.
I wish I could talk to my mom and be able to know her responses. I need her help.

For me the grieving began the day mom was diagnosed with this disease. She would never be the same or remember things the way she did in years prior to the onset. When her physical body gave up, to me it was a blessing. She would not longer be struggling to remember or do things she loved.
THis is not to say that I do not miss mky mo mom. Every day there is something I see or make that reminds me of her. I will take time I know and the memories will fade but there will always be that place in my heart that is for her.
P.S. It doesn't helpwith the holidays on the horizon either. Peace.

Sarah: I know how you feel. I needed it so badly & it was great, actually it was amazing. I knew what she wanted but others didnt. She answered all my questions , it was as if she knew what was bothering me. He is making me a cd of the session too so that ALL can listen to it. His name is Christopher Allen and the link to his website is www.imstillhere.net. You can send him a message , maybe he can help or recomend someone in your area. Keep in touch!

Thank you!