Ever since Momma passed away on 9/6, I've had nightmares every night. I'm really freaked out by it all. Everyday I ask Momma and God for a sign that she is ok, but nightmares are all I get.

I dream she tries to call me sounding afraid but cannot hear me on the phone. She keeps calling my name in a panic and I'm in a panic on this side.

Or the night before last. I could see her about 30 feet away looking as she did 20 years ago. She slowly gets closer (not walking--gliding) as I can see the age progression the closer she gets. Then I am lying beside her on the bed after she died and was holding her hand (which I really did). Then the last part is seeing her face on the stretcher right before the funeral home transport people covered it. Then the whole thing repeated over and over. I was so upset by it that I could not even go to work yesterday.

Most of the other dreams, Momma is angry at me. Yelling at me wanting to know why I did this to her, why I treated her "like this" why do I hate her so much.

These dreams are really freaking me out. I know I have guilt issues over things beyond my control. I did the best possible for Momma while she was alive. I'd like to think she would be happy with me for taking care of her, but these dreams are all I get.

How can I stop them? I'm afraid to go to sleep. I'm too tired to get out of bed. Somedays I just wish I could sleep forever. Any ideas on this.

Sharla

Hi Sharla,
It has been such a very short time since your momma passed away, and I am sure you are still just reeling from everything...the reality of your mom being gone, the sudden cessation of caregiving, all the memories (good and bad) of the AD years, and, not to mention the reality of the journey ahead without your momma.

We all do this. We all ruminate about our LO's experiences with AD and how we reacted to them at various times. I think we all experienced the pain of our LOs asking us "why did you do this to me!?" It hurt, mostly because we couldnt fix it or take it away and the thought that our LOs actually thought we caused it was extremely painful to live with. BUT...we KNEW that wasnt true, we KNEW we didnt do anything bad to them, we KNEW we only tried to do our best and take care of them in the best way possible. Because of AD, they couldnt know, but we DID know. And now, without AD, THEY KNOW TOO!! So, your momma now knows the truth. Her AD is gone. She doesnt have it anymore. She is free of that and is now able to see clearly that you loved her, sacrificed for her, took the very best care of her, and that you miss her. Talk to her, tell her you love her and that you are glad she is free now. Imagine her living free and happy. Maybe your nightmares will turn into sweet dreams of her.

Peace Sharla, please keep coming back and let us know how you are doing. We are all dealing with our loss here. I lost my mom to AD in February and not a day goes by that I dont miss her.

Peace,
Mari

quote:

Originally posted by SharlaE:
I dream she tries to call me sounding afraid but cannot hear me on the phone. She keeps calling my name in a panic and I'm in a panic on this side.

Pray for her. This is the time when your LO is asking for your prayers to help her find her way.

quote:

Or the night before last. I could see her about 30 feet away looking as she did 20 years ago. She slowly gets closer (not walking--gliding) as I can see the age progression the closer she gets. Then I am lying beside her on the bed after she died and was holding her hand (which I really did). Then the last part is seeing her face on the stretcher right before the funeral home transport people covered it. Then the whole thing repeated over and over. I was so upset by it that I could not even go to work yesterday.

These things are still very fresh in your mind. My mom passed on April 20th and I can still see her face when she kept asking me for more water and I couldn't give her more but what was on that little freakin sponge! I also still see her where her body layed as we prepared her (I did her make-up, my sis, I & nieces dressed her) for the viewing.

quote:

Most of the other dreams, Momma is angry at me. Yelling at me wanting to know why I did this to her, why I treated her "like this" why do I hate her so much.

She's not really yelling at you, she's yelling at the disease.

I truly hope your insights are right. I'm going to kind of meditate with happy, soothing thoughts about Mom before I go to sleep tonight. Just relax, take a hot bath, think of the good times and see what happens.

I know if I have more days like Friday where I seem to be having a psychotic break, I may lose my job and that would be true devastation in my family.

Pray for me that this works!

Sharla

Sharla, I went to a shrink for a while a couple of years ago. When it came to dreams, she taught me a wonderful coping technique that you might want to try. I close my eyes and imagine an animal, and then talk to that animal about my dream...how it made me feel, how those feelings apply to my current situation, and what I need to do next. It takes a little practice (and a lot of willingness to just "go with it"), but I am constantly amazed at how, when I open my eyes, the dream has become a useful signpost that helps point me in the right direction. Even the worst nightmares serve a purpose, and that takes away some of the pain they cause you.

Hope this helps.
-Mary Ellen

Sharla,

Sometimes you think that you did not do enough for your LO while they were suffering from this disease. I know that I do. I was with my mom when she passed on too. Afterwards, I dreamt that she was in bed just smiling at me (she would smile at me when I came to visit her) and I was tucking her in for bed. You did the best that you could for her. Don't beat herself up. Your mom knows that you took care of her. Your nightmares might stop when you are at peace with the knowledge that you did the best that you could for her and you did.

I finally had a dream about my mom. All I remember is I won a trip to Cabo San Lucas & I was taking her with me, just the two of us. I wish I could remember more but that was all of it. It was great just to feel her presence even if it was just a dream.
"Give yourself time Sharla.Your nightmares might stop when you are at peace with the knowledge that you did the best that you could for her and you did."

If you can't get past this, though, in a few days, I would consider seeing a therapist. They are trained to help you through these types of issues. Don't be afraid to seek help. You could even call the Alz Assoc to see if they can give you some help. Just don't try to do it all alone if you give it a few days and things keep getting worse.

Let us know how you are doing. It is a big adjustment, that's for sure.

Oh Sharla, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your post made me so sad. I totally understand what you're saying. Thank goodness I have not had nightmares, but I have had all the same guilty thoughts. My mom died on April 24th. I was the only one with her as my sisters both live far away and didn't make it on time. I made all the decisions through the whole crappy disease, and I ultimately made the decision to administer all that morphine until she finally stopped breathing. The Hospice people were with me until midnight, but she didn't die until 5:40 a.m. so her caregiver and I gave her the morphine and Ativan. Her respirations wouldn't slow down, so we followed their orders and kept giving her more and more morphine until we were dosing her every hour. I know she was dying and I know that's how it's done, but I can't stop feeling like I killed her. Wow, I am sitting here in tears and I thought I had gotten past all this.

Anyway, please give it more time. I haven't cried over this (until now)for quite awhile, so the pain does lessen with time. I think you should talk to a therapist, or at least give the Hospice people a call. Everyone will tell you over and over what a great daughter you were and that you did everything right (which is all true), but until you can find a way to let go of the guilt, their words won't help.

I find that going to the cemetery is therapeutic for me. I go to her grave and talk to her. I have told her over and over that she had AD, and that I loved her so much and did what had to be done for her. I talk about the morphine and how it was done to lessen her pain. My mom was such a wonderful gracious lady and she loved me so much. I know that she would feel terrible if she thought I was torturing myself this way. I'm sure your momma would feel the same.

I just said a prayer for you that you can find peace in all this. Please keep posting and let us know how you are. We all care.

quote:

Originally posted by jackie b:
My mom died on April 24th. I was the only one with her as my sisters both live far away and didn't make it on time. I made all the decisions through the whole crappy disease, and I ultimately made the decision to administer all that morphine until she finally stopped breathing. The Hospice people were with me until midnight, but she didn't die until 5:40 a.m. so her caregiver and I gave her the morphine and Ativan. Her respirations wouldn't slow down, so we followed their orders and kept giving her more and more morphine until we were dosing her every hour. I know she was dying and I know that's how it's done, but I can't stop feeling like I killed her. Wow, I am sitting here in tears and I thought I had gotten past all this.

You're not alone! I started sobbing! I too sometimes feel like I'm the one that killed my mom, not because of the morphine and ativan but because I was so stressed out and with super high blood pressure. I was told that my mom could feel what I was going through and that that would affect her. Many times I tried not to go see my mom but I just couldn't stay away from her. I was and still am dealing with legal issues with my baby brother (he didn't fill his responsibilites as POA and now as Trustee).
One of the times that I went to court and then I visited my mom, one of the caregivers asked me what was wrong with my mom because she looked mad. I asked my mom if she was mad (she had her eyes closed & looked zoned out) and she replied YES! I knew she wasn't mad at me though... I could feel that.

quote:

I find that going to the cemetery is therapeutic for me. I go to her grave and talk to her. I have told her over and over that she had AD, and that I loved her so much and did what had to be done for her. I talk about the morphine and how it was done to lessen her pain. My mom was such a wonderful gracious lady and she loved me so much. I know that she would feel terrible if she thought I was torturing myself this way. I'm sure your momma would feel the same.

I too talk to my mom alot and ask her to help us. I feel so much ar peace when I'm at the cemetary. It's almost time to get ready to go.

Dear Sharla
I'm sorry to hear of your nightmares. It sounds like you really are having a rough time of it in your grief. Dreams are so real and when you can remember so much detail can affect your day as well. When that happens it feels awful for days... You seem very sensitive to all your experiences. Subconsciously you may be blaming yourself even though in reality you know you are not to blame for the illness that took your mom. These dreams seem to be your way of grieving. I recently also had a dream with my sister in it and she was angry at me. It stayed with me the whole day after and even now when I think of it, I feel as if I can't understand why she was angry at me. It feels still so real. Before her illness we had many times when she would be angry at my direction of her, as she played out many strange behaviors for years before we even were aware of the AD. Rationally, I think that anger had to come out into my dreams eventually. There are supposed to be different levels of grief, so maybe the dream sequences are your stage of grief with anger.

I hope you can work it through so it does not disrupt your work days. If you write alot on the forum here, it may relieve your reactions through your dreams. I find writing beneficial in that way. Even if you write down everything and anything you feel and think in your word processor like a journal if you want to do it privately that may help. I think you need to dump those inner thoughts and feelings somehow and maybe your dreams will turn into happier memories.

Luckily my dreams are not always remembered in detail, so although I have some strange ones with my parents and sister now, the memory of the dream lessens over time too. I've had some that bring my dad back to life in the dream and then I have to go through dealing with the feelings the stangeness of his being alive again brings up and the fear that he will die again in the dream. I seem to remember the same issue with my mom and my sister too. These dreams don't happen often, but when they do they leave very strange feelings for a few days.

Hope to read more from you and wish for better dreams for you. Find comfort somewhere and go with it; maybe music, reading, even exercise.

Hi SharlaE - I just had to respond to your post. You see, I had most of the same dream Sunday night. My Mom was sitting on my bed and calling my name. She was 20 years younger.... I woke up upset. My Mom is still with us in a NH.... I called to be sure everything was OK and was asured it was. I too, believe it's related to guilt, guilt over things we couldn't change. We did (and are doing) the best we can and yet this creeps into our dreams.
The only positive thing I can say is it reminded me of the times in years past when I was beyond exhaustion with her care and not sleeping very well at all - for a long, long time. At least I can say this was just one night (so far at least).
It just struck me as yet another similarity we caregivers have. So many things are EXACTLy the same for many of us. I hope the therapists/nerologists and doctors are taking note...

I hope you can come to a point of acceptance. I think that will help. Forgive yourself (even though I'm sure there's nothing you truly need to be forgiven for) I plan to try harder myself at just that. Not an easy thing.
Wishing you peace -

Thank you all for your suggestions. So far since Sunday, the nightmares have stopped. Maybe talking it all out with my psych on Thursday brought it all to the forefront and I was able to get it out!

I do talk to Momma just about every night. I can't believe it's been almost a month! It seems like so long ago, but at the same time it feels like yesterday.

Hopefully, the nightmares are gone, but I'm keeping all the posts in a book just in case they decide to sneak back up on me.

Thanks again!
Sharla

Good to hear Sharla - very good to hear.

hey sharla, i just happened to catch your name on here. im soo sorry about the nightmares but im glad they have stopped. You did everything wonderfully for your mother. Do remember the great times. Im still keeping you in my prayers everynight!!! take care of yourself and i hope you are getting good rest!!!

love ya, tiffany