How do you stop thinking about the decisions that you were forced to make in order to keep your LO safe. Like placing her in an Alzheimers Unit and not knowing if they were taking care of her properly when you were not there. I still feel guilt about it. I want to think of the good times before the disease took over but all I can think of is when she was sick and the day that she died. I keep on remembering the day that she died. The Hospice nurse tried to close her eye lids but they would not close. I stayed in her room until the funeral home took her away. The Hospice nurse said that she was looking out for me. I hope that one day I can remember the good times. It helps to come to this forum and write what we are going through even after our LO is no longer with us.

Pamela: The unfortunate problem is we had to sit & watch or loved ones die. Those memories are tearing me apart too. We have to try to push it out of our minds. I agree , I mean all they could do was just stare at us & not talk, how do we know what they were feeling right? Everytime I think of the days at the Hospice House I cry uncontrollably, which I am doing as I write this to you. Stop beating yourself up over this ok. No matter where they would have been we would always question it. This disease is horrible & we did our best. Try to focus & remember a special moment if you can. I will share with you some special moments. I brought my dogs to see her because she always asked for them. The one dog Leia, my mom would call her a Bitch because she would bark at her. Britney the other dog is a lover& my mom loved her. She jumped up on the bed to lick her & as you know those beds are high. I so love my dog for that! The day before the fever I was the last one to leave her room my mom held out her arms to me, so I went back for a hug that I will always remember. Be strong Pamela & know that yes I do believe they are watching us!! Dont waste your days with guilt & blame, this disease is to blame not you!

I was fortunate that my dad's eyes closed when he was preparing to die in his last few days. He seemed the most peaceful he had in a year, so we felt he was preparing for a better place. The facility where he died was an amazing inpatient hospice center, and they certainly knew how to handle him and to prepare us for the end.

Keep in mind that it was the disease that did this to your LO, not you placing her in a facility. You had no control over her getting the disease, and really no control in how it progressed. You could only do what needed to be done to be safe.

I have a friend who just promised her AD father that she would never put him in a home. I told her that she was really setting herself up for additional guilt in the future. With this disease, you just cannot promise those things. Too many personality changes occur and make it necessary to have 24/7 care. I know my DF got agressive and agitated and angry and we just could not control him.

Stay strong as you adjust. Hopefully talking about things here will allow you to release the guilt and move on to just the sadness. Remember, all those feelings - guilt, anger, sadness, confusion, etc. - are part of the grieving period we need to get through at our own pace.

Pamela - It is so hard to erase, if not impossible, those last memories. I too only see my mom the day she died. I too remember only the choices that I had to make and the guilt is horrible. This disease and its grief leave us with such horrible thoughts, but I know that we will one day pass through this stage of grief. Unfortunately, it's not quick and it's very painful.

I can’t change what was back then ever again. Circumstances were what they were and I’ve come to deal with it. When mom finally passed she was just there and really beautiful and peaceful. That is how I like to remember her. Finally at peace; I was happy for her. I miss her a lot.

Hello Pamela,
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom to AD this year too. It is by far the hardest experience of my life. Keep hoping your memories will change to more pleasant ones.

Peace,

Mari