I just need to vent. I've posted so much on the caregiver board, but I'm really not a caregiver anymore. I lost my husband and mom to this terrible illness within 18 months of each other. Husband died on July 1, 2006 and mom on January 20 of this year. Does the sadness every go away? I have some days that are better than others, but I don't think I will ever be the same person I once was.

My husband was nearly 20 years older than me, so I try and remind myself that we had 24 wonderful years together (only the last year and a half were a struggle as he began to progress at a much more rapid pace). He was diagnosed in 1999, but the symptoms probably started in 1997. He progressed slowly and was quite functional until about the winter of 2004. Mom's decline was longer. I ache for both of them, but more so for my husband.

I am a Christian, but have a distorted view of God. I would like to draw comfort from my faith, but find it does not come easily. I have a lot of anxiety from legalistic teachings I heard many years ago. I keep thinking that losing two people that were so dear to me to the same feared illness is some sort of chastisement or discipline for my sins and that, maybe, if I had been, let's say, less materialistic, God would have healed at least one of them. This view comes from the health and prosperity teachings, which I know in my head are false, but it somehow has not connected with my heart and there is this doubt.

Also, I had not been on a vacation for a number of years (2003) as changing environments made my husband more confused, and I really did not want to go anywhere without him. I had an invitation from another widow from church and her family to go to Mexico with them. I was looking forward to just getting away to a warm climate and being by the ocean. We left on Jan. 19, mommy died on the 20th and I was back home on the 21st. I knew she was getting worse, and I talked to the Hospice nurse at the Assisted Living facility before I left. She did verify that the end was likely near but, of course, could not make any predictions. My siblings encouraged me to go. I did not have a good feeling about it, but went anyway as I did not think she would go that quick. Obviously the old tapes have been playing again, ie God is disciplining me.

Well, I've gone on long enough. Hopefully you don't think I have gone completely mad. I know my thoughts and views of God are false, and that He loves us and is gracious and kind. I also belive that we are each given a certain number of days in this life and beyond that boundry we cannot cross no matter how good or bad we are. It's just that those old legalistic teachings cling so tenaciously.

I'm sorry for the rant, but I wanted to let it out. Thank you for letting me.

Love,
Kathyl

Oh Kathyl - Call Hospice right now and ask for counseling. It seems like you're feeling tremendous guilt for something that was so very much out of your control. You've been dealt two terrible, terrible blows in such a short time. It's got to be overwhelming. Please reach out more - for help from counselors who deal with this every day. Don't let this incredibly unfair disease claim another victim! I'm sure you'd agree there have been way too many already!
Can you take a deep breathe and pick up the phone? Your family would want you to get help too -

Dear Beth: thank you for responding to me. I am seeing a grief therapist. He was a former pastor, but now is a licensed counselor and works for a non-profit grief center not too far from my home. He is the one who told me about each of us being given a certain number of days on this earth, and that nothing I did or did not do can change that. I do take comfort in that, but this heaviness still remains in my heart. You are absolutely right, this disease is incredibly awful -- I refer to it as the "beast". I don't think I could bear to watch anyone elso go through it. I try to remember all the good memories I have of my husband and mama, but so often the vision of my husband slumped over in the wheelchair at the NH and mom looking at me with no hint of recognition cloud over all those wonderful memories. I guess what I want to know is how long does it take before the good memories overshadow those of the "beast". I know it's a question that has no straight answer as it is different for everyone.

Thank you again for taking the time to reply. I really do appreciate it.

"God bless us all"

Kathyl

Oh Sweet Kathy,
Grief is a real son of a gun isn't it. I have suffered tremendous loss in my life and I can feel your pain through the computer.

I am so happy that you are seeing a grief counselor. This will help so much.

My thoughts on feeling guilty is this....if you were really a bad person, deserving of punishment ( which, I assure you that you are not !!!) they you wouldn't feel guilty. Bad people wouldn't care.
God doesn't punish people on this side, maybe the next but not here.

My sweet Mamaw, who never did anything but attend and serve at church, raise children and then grandchildren never ever did a bad or mean thing to anyone in her life lost her husband to cancer, a daughter to Leukemia now is stage 7 AD at a Nursing Home barely exsisting. Now I ask you, who could think that she is being punished for past sins. She doesn't have any...believe me.
Meanwhile OJ Simpson walks the earth a rich and free man ????

I will pray for you dear Kathy.....this disease is a BEAST. I hope you find some peace today.

Peace,
Dani

I believe there will always be sadness when we lose a loved one. The intensity of the sadness can lessen to some degree in time. How long does that take? Different for everyone. There will be days when the happy memories buffer the pain, there will be other days when the pain wins over the happy memories. The answer is a lot of time. I don't want you to feel you are being punished because you lost two people you love. I want you to believe that in the reality of this time in our world, Alzheimer's is a disease that is prevalent and that the chances of knowing more than person in our life that will have it, is a definite possibility. I think it is very unfortunate to have two family members pass away from this disease. I used to think I was in an unusual situation, that my mother had passed away from AD and now my father has AD. I've learned that is not unusual any longer. It's not a punishment to you, it's unfortunate set of circumstances. It's hard enough to lose one person to this, but two people, who you loved very much is devastating to say the least.

I want you to say to yourself, you know in your heart you loved these two people, you brought them comfort and joy in their lives. What more can a person do for another? You stood by them in their darkness time and loved them through the next chapter of their existence. You did well in this. They are now free from pain and suffering.

You now need to find your way back to living and life. You will. You have learned by losing two loved ones, how precious life is, how short it can be, and you will live your life and you will find joy in it, again. To do so, would be honoring life and the ones you loved.

I wish I could say grief had a timeframe, but it doesn't. Remember the things you enjoyed doing before you were consumed by this disease and it's effects. Start doing those things again and enjoy them. You deserve this.

I'm very sorry for what you are going through. Grieving is such a painful process.
After being a caregiver and then losing the ones we care for, I think most of us feel as you do about not being the same as we once were. Part of us died with our loved ones. I think the healing process is learning to live without them and finding our purpose in this life. I am still in that process.

I'm sorry for all the confusion you are having with your faith and that you are not comforted by it. I hope this time of searching will lead you to a new understanding of God. No mater what you feel you did or didn't do. He is about love, and not about punishing those who seek Him. I'm grateful that His mercies are new every morning. Otherwise, who would stand a chance.

You're not completely mad and rant all you want.

Rom. 8:35-39; Is. 41:10; Is 54:10; Jer. 29:11-13

Thank you all who have responded so far. I do appreciate the time you took and the advice so lovingly given. I can see we are all in this together, and unless one has traveled this road, it is difficult to understand the scars it leaves. Thank you Beth, Dani, JRB and Steph for the comfort you brought.

Love,
Kathyl

PS: I see this board is not as active as the Caregiver's board.

Dear Kathy, how my heart goes out to you as you realized we are all going thru similar situations and are having to learn to deal with the grief. What I am learning is that I feel this grief because of how much I loved my LO. (not being punished for some sin) While others in my family and my friends seem to have moved on I still feel such pain. But I do know that I will come out the other side because God will be there with me the whole time and giving me peace as I pray each and every day (and hour). Kathy, you sound like a wonderful loving person whom is filled with compassion. How could God be punishing you when his first command is to love God with all your heart and soul and mind and the second is to love others? You fill the bill!!! Hang in there Kathy God is going to bless you for all you did to make your loved ones life the best it could be!!!