My Mom died on 10/28/2006. I protected her the last night of her life (even if her family and my brothers disagreed) the same way she protected me the first day of my life. She told me in July 1994, that she wanted God to take her home. In December 2005, I was blamed by my brothers to favor euthanasia. By the same token, my brothers blamed me, in October 2006, as the one who was unable to let my mom go (must admit I was guilty on that one), as she survived many days of no eating or drinking any fluids.

I miss U so much maman.
I need help 2 survive; ta petite fille, Carole

A lot of us here feel, or have felt as you do. Let us know what we can do to help you through this. I don't think we ever stop missing the ones we lost. The difficulty is learning to live in this world without them. Grieving can be a lengthy and painful process. Knowing there are others who have survived this process, gives us all hope. You are stronger than you think...you reached out for help. Continue to do so. You are not alone. God Bless

Thank you.I need someone to talk to, other than my M.D.
I died the day my mom passed.
The mother and daughter relationship was in the 80's the "cause" of my anorexia nervosa, for which I was hospitalized many times. It hurted my mom a lot and we were never close. When I got out of my disease, Alzheimer took her away from me. I never had a chance to tell her how much I love her,admire her and how wrong the doctors were wrong blaming her, as anorexia is a genetic disease. I now realized that I miss my mom since I was 5 years old; am now 41.

It may feel as though you died when your mom died. My world was turned upside down too. The life we knew died, and now we have to find our new life....our new purpose.

Mom's have a special gift of knowing their children love them regardless of what we say or don't say. They are gifted with unconditional love and that's why it hurts when they leave us. They loved us in spite of ourselves. Your mom knew you loved her...you belonged to her.

The guilt feelings you are having are normal while grieving. I had a very close relationship with my mom. When she got this dreadful disease, I was her only caregiver. I gave her my heart and soul and since her passing, I too have struggled with guilt. I think our deep sense of loss causes us to desperately look for answers. We deal with so many emotions. We blame others, we blame ourselves. We think that we could have, should have done more. The list is endless. This is all a part of grieving.

Guilt is destructive and all consuming. It won't bring your mom back. Let's face it, that is what we want. You have the opportunity now to let your mom know how you feel. Cry if you must. Scream if you must. Release this guilt. Tell your mom you love her. Tell her you are sorry. Let it out. Let it go. Release the pressure. I know how difficult this process is, but we have to go through it. Take one day at a time. God Bless

Am crying too much, as you are telling that my mom knew how much i loved her.
Yes, I have to admnit, the thing I want is to get my mommy back. However, I do not feel the connection that she knows how I feel;that is why it is so difficult.
Carole

I know this is difficult. You must set your mind on facts instead of your feelings. Feelings change every minute. I don't know what your belief is, but if you believe that there is a God then you know that when we die, it is only our physical body that dies. The soul lives on. You said your mom wanted God to take her home. While you are crying and telling your mom how much you love her, do you think the God of compassion will withhold such information from your mom. Surely not. His love is much greater than ours.
Don't try to feel the connection. Believe it. You were your mom's gift from God. She was chosen to be your mother. You were given to each other for this temporary life we have on earth. Keep telling your mom you love her. Believe she hears you. I miss my mom too. Remember, we will see our loved ones again. They will not return to us, but we will go to them. Peace

That is the thing. I lost faith in god when I was sick. But, I grew up out of my eating disorder, holding myself responsible for my problems. But when my mom got hit by this disease, I have not been able to believe anymore. My mom sacrificed her life for her family and others. Why would that humble, simple, loving individual deserve such an unfair disease? I know it does not sound reasonable, but that is what my heart feels.

I wish one day I will be as strong as you. I wish one day, I will believe again, in eternal life.
Thank you for listening to me,
Hugs,
Carole

Difficulties make us question everything. It is reasonable for you to question. If we don't question, we won't get answers. Your mom, my mom, and all the other people who have suffered from this dreadful disease, did not deserve it. Unfortunately in this world there is a lot of pain and suffering, and yes, life can be cruel and unfair at times. But...it is all temporary.

I am not strong, quite the contrary. When I suggested you cry out to relieve the pressure you feel, it is only because that is what I have been doing for 8 months. I am not sad for my mom because I know where she is. I am sad for myself. I miss her and my heart is very heavy....as is yours.
I hope that the "one day" you speak of comes quickly for you.
Carole, take care of yourself.

Thank you.
Carole

I hope that your heart is less heavy. Loosing our mom is a painful process. Hugs,
Carole

Thank you. It is very painful. One day at a time. I wish I could say something to ease your pain. Sometimes words are not enough.
I will pray.

I have not been here for a while, but I want to tell you both how I have felt so compelled to write to both of you.
I gave my mother over to God on April 19, 2008. I too was devoted to her. I say turned her over to God because my priest asked me the day before she died to tell her it was okay to go. I said I had a hard time with that, and he said you know you are not really letting her go, you are turning her over to God now. (he who visited her several times after she was unable to talk much and could not walk at all since September 2007) It opened my eyes. Yes, I cry all the time. I blame myself too for the most ridiculous things. What daughter is perfect? People tell me I was. I can't agree with them, although I know deep down I did everything humanly possible to give her so much love and compassion. Only someone with very deep unconditional love could do what you and I have done. What more could we want when we are dying? She died in my arms, she knew I was there as well as my sister and daughters and my husband. But, she knew me and I know as bad as the Alzheimers was, she knew my hand, my kisses, my making her warm, my gentleness, my love day and night until she went. Believe me, your mom knew your care and love.
My daughter delivered a baby just a week before my mom passed and when you see a newborn, who can't see, can't understand anything just cry, and then suddenly, you pick him up, warm him from tip to toe, hold him very securely in your arms and then suddenly the crying ceases, you begin to realize how similar it is to what we do for our loved ones with this disease in the last days. Our touch and even soft words are all that we needed to do to give them a smooth landing in heaven.
Please forgive me for rambling, but I am so certain you mom knew your love in the end, I feel I have just been driven to this thismorning to find you and tell you this.
I have seen Steph7 on the board in the past and she is very wise. Please listen to her. Don't give up on your faith, there are people like us that have a message for you. My first message to you is the above and second is that I will pray for you also, because I have suffered many years in the past for other reasons, and felt doomed. It is the lowest point. But here it is...we didn't fall off. We picked ourselves up and yes, not so easy. We had a lot of work ahead of us. And we did it. That says a lot for us. Please don't feel guilty, feel privileged. You received a second chance, as unconvinced as you are. This was your God given 2nd chance. Please know that you are loved. Try to give God a 2nd chance now.
Prayers and love.

Helena

Your mother loved you and she would not want you to suffer and be in pain. Of course, you are missing her and grieving for her. This takes a long time, it never really stops, but the intensity of sadless lessens in time. One day, you will be able to think of her without being in so much pain. You will be able to smile when you think of her. I do believe one day we will be reunited with our loved ones, I do believe they are in a most wonderful place and they are free from disease and pain, and they are whole and happy. That would be wonderful for your mom to be in that kind of place.

Life is very precious. We all know that because we have lost someone we love. To honor our loved ones, we need to take a look at our own lives and live it the best we can, enjoy the days we can, gather up all the happiness we can, see something wonderful in each day, no matter how small it is. That's what moms want for their kids. Of course, we all have feelings that we should have done this or that, we didn't do enough, we weren't perfect children. I have my own struggles with this, things I wish I had done differently, things I'm not proud of. I would like to release you from feeling this way. We are human beings, not perfect, always learning, striving to do better, we stumble, we get up and try again. We will never be perfect, we were not intended to be, but we always try to do the best we can with what we have. Remember, honor your mom now by living your life, and finding joy in it again.

I believe our loved ones are aware at some level of what is happening before they pass. I can say that the few days before my passed away, she could not speak, and sleeping most of the time. My dad had his head down near her hand and she woke up, and began petting his head softly. Now my parents did not have a great relationship all their married days. Lots of problems, but at that moment, my mom in spite of all their problems, showed him her love and she was saying I love you. My mother passed away ten minutes after I arrived in her room. I believe she waited for me to be there with her. I know your mom knew how much you loved her.

Whether losing our mother to alz or cancer, or any death, we will always feel that loss in our hearts. Each day is easier.

Its been 15 years since my mother passed away from heart and diabetic issues. Still soemthing comes up in the day, my first thought is to tell her when I get home. Alas, shes not there! But time has softened the blow. It just will take time for you as well.

I'm sure your mom knew you loved her from the depths of your heart. Words are just the expression for ourseleves to hear, being there for her to talk to you, was the love proven.

I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

There is nothing much more I can say that someone in the above posts has not already said. As a mother, there is nothing my child could ever do, say, etc., that I would not forgive them for. I will love them both always regardless of all the pain they have ever caused, regardless of all the worries, regardless of hurtful things they have said to me. A mother's love is unconditional, and I believe your mother feels the same way toward you.

I believe you can talk out loud to your mother, and she will hear you. Tell you what you want to say, and she will know. She already knows.

Stay strong. It will be okay.

Dear Carole,
I wanted to echo what everyone else has said. As a Mom, there is
NOTHING my kids (now young adults) could do to EVER make me stop
loving them; and we have had our ups/downs...my daughter has said
things to me that would lead someone to believe she doesn't love
me. BUT! I know better. We all say and do things that hurt our
loved ones, either intentionally or not. But I have NO DOUBT in
my mind that your Dear Mom KNEW how much you loved her. Trust in
that. And DO give God another chance. This is a fallen world we
live in; bad things happen, including Alzeimers/dementia. We will
all leave this world in one way or another. But your Moms soul IS
living on. Cry out to Him, He WILL answer you. Take care.

Dear Carole,
I wanted to express my deepest sympathies to you. My only brother passed away 2 years ago at 41 and his death has brought me to a new place in my faith. When I just came right out and told God I was mad at Him,He as clearly as I have heard, said My grace is sufficient for you. The rest of that verse says for My power is made perfect in weakness. I told Him several times and kept getting the same answer it the first thing and the same thing every time I told God I was mad. And He was right.
Everyday I ache for the loss of my brother. My mother now has alzheimer's and we would have shared this together. Every day I still have a ache in my heart for my brother, but by knowing he knew the Lord I was comforted. I got a journal and started writing down every verse on comfort and heaven and through them I would find comfort by knowing my brother was in heaven and knowing that Lord cared for me. "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted".
As a mother, I believe that your mom knows how much you love her, and that she loved you unconditionally. I am sure somewhere inside her she knew you just weren't ready to let her go because of that love. I bet your mother's instinct told her that you were sick and that she knew that too.
Questioning how God could take my wonderful brother home so young, lead me to seek Him out to find what I hoped would be an answer. I didn't find one answer, but I found comfort and I felt Him closer than I ever have by seeking him out and questioning.
Grief takes a long time. I did see a grief counselor for awhile. My parents still see one. There are some things that are mutual in grief, but so many others that are so very individual. I don't know that we ever get over the loss of those closest to us. I think we just find a way to cope and heal the best we can. I also am already grieving for my mother too, even though she is still quite healthy and we are using experimental treatments that seem to be helping. We always wonder why God would let bad things happen to good people, but I just don't think God causes them, He just helps us get through them. And He takes those we love to a place where there is no more suffering. I will be praying for you. Take care of yourself and talk to someone . There are internet support groups for grief too that might be helpful too.

I can't thank you enough Steph7, Helena, JRB, Cheyena, Julia and Matnet4. You all sounds like angels sent to me, as May 30th was my 42nd birthday. I did not celebrate, as I miss my Mom, with the guilt feelings reinforced by my brothers, that I made my Mom so unhappy with my eating disorder. I received the most precious gift from my dad; who knows the difficulty I have to believe that my Mom loved me and not to listen to my brothers. That priceless gift was an email he sent me. He describes what happened 42 years ago, when I was born; being the easiest of the 3 delivery my Mom ever had and how happy she was to have a little girl i.e. me. It is difficult to believe but was the best birthday gift I ever received in my life. You all brought tears to my eyes, as am having difficulty to believe she knew how much I loved her.
Thank you so much;
All your emails are priceless, and I will never be able 2 thank you enough for your kind words,
Carole

I want 2 had SFenn3 to my tahk you 4 the kind words!
Carole

Dear Carole,
You are so very special. I want to say happy birthday. I think it is a miracle that your father sent you that e-mail right when you needed it most. Your father knows best. I believe your mother is up in heaven celebrating your birthday!!!

I so much appreciate your kind words, from everyone, thank you so much! Ignore me as I feel like a burden to you all. But I know that some life events may bring back the sadness felt with the loss we had..I am there in that low moment, where I wish my Mom would give me the best advice if she was here, for the challenge situation am facing.
Hugs

Having another bad night, as I miss my Mom so much.

Dear MaMaman,
I'm sorry you were having another bad night last night;
I DO TRULY believe that God has His hand on you dear one,
as He continues to lead us to your posts. What a beautiful
gift your Dad gave (that e-mail) How special that is to share
the story of your birth; NO DOUBT YOU WERE VERY VERY SPECIAL
TO YOUR MOM BEING HER ONLY DAUGHTER!!! I have one son and one
daughter. I love them both equally; but a daughter is someone
whom a Mom can identify with more easily, being female.
No matter what problems may have existed between you and your
Dear Mom, BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY SHE LOVED YOU, SHE LOVED YOU,
SHE LOVED YOU!! And, she KNEW full well that YOU loved her.
I can't imagine why anyone would tell you differently. But if
your brother is saying such things, I'd avoid him and tell
yourself the TRUTH! What SFenn3 has said to you is absolutely
RIGHT!! God's strength IS made perfect in our weakness. Turn to
him Mamaman, I know He is waiting for you to do that. He sees
your broken heart, and HE CARES!!! Sending you a ***big hug***