I have posted many times in this section since May 5, 2008 when my mother passed away. I have grieved for so long and missed my mother tremendously for the last two years, even though she was here on earth with me (in body). During these last three months of her rapid decline, I have had several deep depressions for days at a time.

Now, tomorrow will be two weeks since her death. I have not had a good cry since her funeral. It just seems like I haven't seen her in such a very long time and not like I just saw her two weeks ago. I have read that many of you cry daily, and I guess I feel like I am some sort of a monster because I feel such a sense of relief for both of us. I still get up in the morning and try to plan (for just a second) what time I am going to go see her, what snack I will take her, etc.

I am wondering where the sense of loss and grief is right now. I feel like I'm being disloyal to her that I am not "gnashing my teeth" with grief and wailing in sorrow because I loved her so!!! She was my buddy, my friend, my wonderful mother.

Just thought some of you might have experienced some of the same feelings.

Julia

Dear Julia,
You are NOT a terrible person!!! You were a great daughter and caregiver to your Mom. She was lucky to have you just as you feel lucky having had her for your Mom.
Grief is a very strange thing. It affects everyone differently. It is normal to feel relieved for BOTH of you after a long, terrible illness!! Please, be kinder to yourself.
You did a great job but that job is over! Time to take care of yourself!

Sorry about the loss of you Mom

Peace and Hope,

Julia, I agree with Lisa. You were an excellent daughter who took wonderful care of your mom.

As far as grief goes, everyone is different. You may know from my previous posts, I lost both my husband and my mom from this terrible disease. Normally, I am a "crier", but I shed more tears during the disease process. I lost my husband July 1, 2006, and for the first few weeks, I felt numb. After that, the tears flowed more freely. The main triggers would be a song, a memory or a movie.

My mom died this January. She had the illness longer than my husband and, even though it's been four months, sometimes I still don't believe she is gone.

I miss them both so very much, especially my husband and soulmate, but, on the other hand, it is a relief not to have to see them as they were in the late stages of the disease.

So, you are NOT a terrible person at all -- you're just normal. This is a devastating illness and, especially in the latter stages, it is worse for the family, as the person with the illness is pretty much unaware that they have become a totally different person.

Please be easy on yourself and, remember, the grief process is different for everyone.

Hugs,
Kathyl

I cried alot that first week after my father commited suicide in december. After a week I went back to work and although I did have some very sad days,just recently I feel like I am greiving more and more for him and my mom with alz.

It takes some time for it to hit sometimes. I feel like it was a million years ago one minute and the next I can't believe it is real. It has to be a mistake.Never mind I just closed on the sale of the family home and walked away for the last time. The probate is still pending and money has not been distributed to all the places it needs to to. It all seems to come in waves.

I look at my dad's handwriting and I want to cry. I was fine up until just this week. I don't really understand this greiving but it seems to come in waves--I barely get a breath and it hits again.

Thanks to each of you for your words. It makes me feel more normal -- whatever that is after this terrible illness. I, too, have had special trouble with my mother's handwriting as I have gone through her things over this past year. It is like her handwriting and words bring back her "real self" to me in a very strong way.

I found comfort in each of your replies. Thank you. I am thankful for this website and the things I can share and comfort I can get from reading what others share.

Julia

Dear Julia: I like how you said "whatever normal is" because that's exactly how I feel after having watched two people I loved so, so much go through this disease. I know I will never be "normal" as I once knew "normal" -- if that makes sense.

Also, when I see my husband's handwriting, I get weepy. Fortunately, I saved a lot of little notes he used to write to me. Someday, most likely when I retire, I would like to make a scrapbook. Hopefully, by that time, I'll have recovered enough to take on that sort of project.

Take care,
Kathyl

Grief is such a personal journey. When we are caring for the loved one, it is our life, every breathing moment of our day, week, month, year. We are in a high alert mode every minute when we are caregiving. They pass on, but it takes the caregiver time to readjust to this. We have been going and going and doing and doing and then it's over. We can't switch off immediately. A year after my mom died, I still found myself thinking first thing in the morning, "I got to call mom" then it would hit me, she's gone.

My mom has been gone for seven years. I'll come across a card she wrote, or a file of hers and I cry when I see her writing. I cry when I go into a Target store, I cry when I see pansies, her favorite.

I'm going throught this journey now with my dad and I'm grieving the loss of him and what is to come. Sometimes, my mind is in such overload, I can't even cry. Then it comes when I have time to think, usually on my way to work. Grieving takes a long time, the worst of it anyway. I believe we always grieve, the intensity may lessen but it's always with you. But time does allow happy memories to come to you and that helps your heart tremendously.

I don't think you are a terrible person. My grandmother, who was also my best friend, passed away on April 1st. I cried a little bit when I received the call and at the funeral, but have not really cried until tonight. Which is why I joined this site. I think everybody reacts in their own way. I can't imagine how hard it must be to lose a parent, especially to such a horrible disease...it was hard enough losing my grandmother. I have been crying nonstop for about the last 3 hours. It feels good to finally get it out.

My mom passed on 5/12/08. I have yet to have a good cry since hospice called and told us she was taking a turn for the worse and we should come.

I spent almost everyday sharing in mom's life while she lived at the ALF and taking care of her and I have absolutely no regrets. I'm also at peace knowing she is with dad and whole again.

I, too, think that there is something wrong with me because I can't cry and get it out. Also at my mom's funeral my husband had a seizure and was taken out to the hospital and I, ofcourse, went with him and did not attend the mass or burial. Even this medical event with my husband and missing the final closure for mom hasn't allowed me to cry.

I think, we as caregivers, travel the journey with our loved ones and know in our hearts the real person has long since gone and who is with us at the end isn't really our loved one since this disease took them away from us a long time ago.

Hospice told me that my grief would come in waves. It does. I cried again today because I remember my dad asking me if my daughter and her fiancee were married yet. I had put together a number of family photos with their names underneath. One of his few lucid moments toward the end of his life he asked about my Suzanne. I told him "no". They are getting married this Saturday the 24th and I'm sure that's why I remembered his question.

I think of him as whole again and that he is travelling to the countries he didn't get the opportunity to visit. But, I will look for signs of him at the wedding because Im sure he'll be there looking over us all.

I cared for my mom for close to 5 years with her alzheimers and the last 13 months she was in ALF. I know I did all my greiving during mom's disease. I had a exceptional bad day about 2 or so years ago, came home to rest after some severe episodes with mom, just sat to disconnect. Glanced at the TV which a movie was on...didn't even know what movie - which changed fast. I was watching the part on "The Notebook" where the lady remembers for those few minutes who her husband was...gives him a big huge and during the huge forgets who he is and starts beating on his chest!! Needless to say I lost it, I cried like a child cries after falling and scraping their knee or such. I could not stop. I did not need to watch what I was living!
When I received the call from Colleen, my mom's Amazing caregiver at the ALF, that mom's oxygen was dropping - it came out of left field, I felt paniced...after I got it together 1/2 hour or so I called Colleen and told her I did not want mom to die in the hospital, thought about how weak she was, how frail she had become, how just the activity of going to the hospital would be very hard on her. Collen wanted the same. Hospice was called in the a.m. - 2 days later I was told mom was actively dying. I felt so many things. for some strange reason- shock - which surprised me because it wasn't like it was any surprise or I wasn't expecting it - I just never saw that day in my head. I was with mom from that friday till she passed, along with my father and my 2 brothers and 2 sisters who where in and out as much as they could handled (they live distances away so wasn't there for day to day)Wednesday April 9, 2008 at 5:11 a.m. my dad looked at me...(I was sweeping the floor 5 feet away for Colleen) I'll never forget it..."..LeAnnie (that's what my dad calls me) I think she just took her last breath." I went to her and we both stood watching her chest praying she wouldn't start breathing again. I checked her heart beat, none, checked the time, 5:11, Colleen came in and checked. ...she was gone. Dad and I hugged each other and where so happy and excited we where sort of jumping up and down. I hugged mom for a long while. I still have not cried - I am so extremely happy for mom to be done with all this. She's KNOWING people now, She is TALKING to people, she is meeting her real mother for the first time!!! Her adoptive mother is there, so excited to having her home with her. I think if I cry, which I always believed would be the case, it would just be feeling sorry for myself because someone I loved so deeply was no longer with me. But it was a weird, happy, most joyful time I've had in a while. She is so happy now, watching over all of us and loving being taken home to the Lord.
I remember my dad, who I think died a little each time he visited mom over the past 13 months, saying he wanted to go play cribbage, but figured that wouldn't look very good being it was the day that mom passed away (we live in a small community). I told him that nobody would know if or that he was home dwelling on something that was best for mom. Nobody out there will be around when dad or I cry a puddle one day (which I expect to happen) If you feel happy, weightless, excited for mom...go play cribbage. He did and had a great time.
I guess the whole idea of this extreme rambling is, we hope to be positive, we want to behave the way we're SUPPOSE too!? What is that. I chose to go with how I felt, and it wasn't a "...I'm finally done with all this." But how I would want it for me if the rolls could have been reversed.
We had an amazing, happy funeral, it was all amazing memories of mom and her goofy ways and her interesting out look on life, her practical ways. Really what mom would want. I remember standing up at the funeral during "remembering Pat.." time of the service with a grin on my face so big I am sure it shocked alot of people, and told them all how happy and thrilled I was for mom to have it all finally over, to go home to the Lord. To smell for the first time in 25 years (from a car accident) Before she passed I had given mom a small bouquet of green flowers...mom's color during the alzheimers process, and I also switched the flower in her hair every hour till she passed. It was a purple button shaped flower behind her left ear when she passed.
Needless to say...this was all so weird for my brothers and sisters who looked at me like I had not understood what was or had just happened. But we were in such different places with mom.
I just so wish the same for everyone who has gone thru this extremely painful, heart tearing disease, could feel the way I felt that day and still today.
You are sooooooo not a terrible person and I think you should rejoice in the fact you too are happy for your mother, how could that be wrong?
Sorry about the long version, but sometimes the whole picture does help.
Thanks for letting me share. My heart is with you all.

Pat's Daughter, You grieved during your mom's illness and you will again at times. You and your dad have very unselfish attitudes about your mom. Your description of her is that she would never want you home constantly grieving her. You are still among the living and you need to celebrate your mom's life because of the wonderful gifts she gave you. I grieved over my dad during his illness and still do periodically, but now I'm much more positive because he is definitely whole again.

By the way, the wedding was an outdoor ceremony and reception. It was a gloriously blue sky, mid-70s, no humidity, just absolutely perfect. Yes, daddy was all around us that beautiful day.

I just had to reply to "Pat's daughter." Thank you so much for your post. You explained everything so well, and it truly made me feel better about my feelings. I know my mom wanted out of her old, tired, broken-down body. I really admire the way you handled it. I didn't have the luxury of having my dad with me (he died 30 years ago), but I bet he would have been excited for my mom when the end came. I think that is great for you and your dad. You shared an experience that will bind you two forever, even if it was the death of a most beloved wife and mother. Thank you so much for sharing your story with me and others!!!

I did want to add when you described your mother and her goofy and practical ways, she sounded so much like my mom. We stood up at my mom's memorial service (several members of the family and some friends) and told some funny stories about my mom. It was unusual. It was as happy as we could have made it, and I think she would have been very pleased.

Bless you!

My dad died on his 89th birthdate (Dec30) and I had the same problem of not being able to grieve or cry. I was taking care of my mom that had a massive heart attack and I did not want to upset her. Someone told me that we grieve so much during the disease that when everything is over there is no more pain but peace. In a way, I agree because I was happy that he went to celebrate his birthdate in Paradise without any pain or sorrow (the Dr wanted to put a feeding tube but God took him to rest). There was a feeling of emptyness due to his departure and for the amount of free time that I had on my hands. Now, many times when I drive to work alone, I shed a few tears but at the same time I thanks God for taking my dad to a more peaceful place. Blessed you and be gentle to yourself!

Julia,
You've got some good advice on here - people grieve in different waves. I think what makes it hard for the caregivers/family is we have to experience a lost twice. Once at diagnosis and again when their soul is released from this hell on earth.
So don't feel bad and don't think you're wrong. Mom is still with us but I know the day will come. Actually that is why I checked out this forum - to see if there is any one way to handle the inevitable.
Sorry about the loss of your mom - thoughts and prayers going out to you.
In time you will never forget them but it will get easier to remember.
Kathy

I just happened to check this topic today, didn't realize anyone had even been here since I posted that long entry. I was sort of feeling very much like an outsider looking in.
Thanks for taking the time to read my long winded entry.

Hi Julia,

I hope you know by the responses you've received that you're not a terrible person.
Grief has many faces. I'm not a big "cry on demand" person either. I barely cried at my mother or daddy's funeral, but that in no way indicates my love or loyalty for them.

I still don't cry over the loss of my parents that much, but I talk about them all the time--I tell their stories, wear my mother's broaches, write our stories. That's more important. Be yourself. You have nothing to prove to anybody.

Be proud of the daughter you are. Let your body and heart feel what it wants--relieved, sorrow (with no tears) remembering your mom in joy, in stories. Every time you cry at a sunset or a Hallmark commercial, you're crying for your mom too.

Trust your good heart.

~Carol O'Dell

Dear Julia,
I can't say I know what you're going through. I'm reading this section because I was curious about how people feel once their loved one with AD has passed. But what you're saying makes sense to me. I've already been grieving over losing my Mom and she's still here physically. I looked on here because sometimes it seems it would be a relief to have them out of their misery and become whole again with God. I think we all do so much grieving during their illness - after all it is a loss before they physically pass on. You're not being disloyal at all. You sound like a wonderful person and an extremely caring daughter. Your mother was lucky to have you. Take care of yourself now and be at peace knowing you took such good care of her.