My world feels like it has come to an end. I think about mom every second of the day. For the last 10 years my heart would beat for mom. She left this world and my heart wants to stop.I cant go on! My home is no longer a home. There is this emptiness in both my home and heart. Any suggestions on how to go on?

Debbie, the pain and missing doesn't stop (at least in my situation, which sounds familiar to yours) but think of how much your Mom loved you and how much it would make her sad to see you like this. She wouldn't want you to "not go on". She would want you to keep your happy memories with her with you at all times and do things, maybe in her honor and memory and smile that you are making her happy as you continue on with her traditions. Sorry that is all I can give you but know that you are not alone and you will continue to live on and sooner or later you will remember all the love in your life and remember also that you are part of her living still. God bless and good luck. Let me know how you are making out! xo Sue

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I totally understand how you feel. I didn't think I would survive the emptiness you speak of. My mom passed away 8 months ago. I'm still grieving and have my struggles, but the way the pain manifests is different.

The world as you knew has come to an end. The challenge is learning to live in this world without your mom. Grieving is difficult, but unfortunately there is no way around it. Grieving depletes your strength. Try to surround yourself with people who understand what you are going through. Allow your friends and family to help you through this difficult time. I went into the withdrawal mode and I don't suggest that. We all cope differently and you will find your way of coping. You can and will go on....one day at a time. God Bless

Stephanie

Steph you talk about withdrawal mode what is this? I think I may be here. I just want to be alone, I dont even want to speak I catch myself
on mute. I think and talk to myself inside. Am I going crazy or just withdrawn?

My mom died a year and a half ago after living for about 8 years with Alzheimers. I was with her each day adn was with her when seh passed. The thing that gets me through the day is the belief that she is with her beloved husband, siblings and mother of whomshe spoke of during ehr last months. I find myself thinking of ehr often, but am at peace knowing that she is enveloped in love and beauty and health.

You are not going crazy. It just feels like you are. The withdrawal mode is wanting to isolate yourself from the rest of the world. I even withdrew from family and friends which caused me to go into a dark & lonely place. I suggest that you don't go this route because others who have allowed people to help them seem to handle their grief better by staying busy.
Grieving is supposed to get easier with time. Mine went from bad to worse.

If you think you are going crazy cos you talk to yourself, then I'm in BIG trouble.

You are not alone.

It hurts so much. I look back at the first week after my dad died and it is a blur. It just plain hurts and then it's ok and then the hurt keeps popping up for me. I think it is an ongoing thing but I hope it will somehow lessen with time. Tears pop up at the oddest times even 6 months later for me. I am an emotional mess still and I feel like I still think about him 24/7 but I am getting some things done now whereas I used to walk in circles. Good luck.

I lost my dad a year and four months ago. I know the hurt it will not go away but get better with time. You have to remember the happy times in order to make it through and the thought that she is in a such better place now. She is not suffering any longer. That thought is what got me through it all and the writing. I like to write and when I am feeling down I write to my dad...a poem. Now that mom has Vas. Dementia I will have to go through it all again but it is a part of life that we have to accept and not dwell on. Take care and come back and vent your feelings there will always be someone to answer.

Sometimes I will go someplace and see someone that looks like my dad, or I will lie at night and see his face. Sometimes just something brings flashbacks of my dad and I feel the sadness, but I have to keep going. Just take one day at a time things will get better.

Debbie, I'm so sorry about your loss. I lost my Mom in January and the pain and tears are still with me. I get through by knowing that my Mom is in a better place and free from the disease that made her so unhappy. In the beginning I suddenly found all this time on my hands. I didn't realize just how much time getting Mom through the day took! I needed to find something to fill that time. My Mom loved to garden so I have planted a beautiful Kousa Dogwood in her memory. I also work in that garden daily and she would have loved her garden this year because it has filled a lot of my time!
Please know that your Mom would want you to be happy. If you find that your pain is unbearable maybe couseling would be an option, I know that it made a big difference in mine.
Blessings,
Marcia

thanks to you all for your feedback. Time do I have alot of this on my hands. I too never realized how much of my day went to mom. I have not seen a movie in 10 years. I am lost without her. I keep hoping this will just be a mightmare and walk over to look for mom and she is not there. I have even found myself crying in my sleep is this possible? When I wake my eyes are swollen.

Hi Debbie,
Your posts tug at my heart, I can feel your pain. How long has it been snce your Mom passed?
I know if I spend a lot of time alone it is much harder to get through the day. I know this place that you are in all to well. Was hospice involved at all? I know they have a group that meets after they have lost a loved one. If not, maybe your family doctor could recommend something, if you have felt this way for a long time. You will feel better, it just feels like you won't when this happens. The joy comes back so slowly. One day,hour or minute I would feel better and then I would be crushed again. Gradually the better days outweigh the bad.
I have to remind myself constantly that my Mom would want me to be happy! That she is now free of this terrible disease and pain. Be glad that you made her life happier when she was here. I'm so glad now that I put Mom in the car even if I just went to the drugstore, just for something different. My Mom was my best friend and I'm the oldest an only daughter. I think daughters have a different relationship with their Moms. This part is so hard, be good to yourself, that is what your Mom would want for you.
Please let us know how you are doing.
Blessings,
Marcia

Dear Debbie, There are no words I can say to relieve your pain. We all understand what you are going through. Yes, it is possible to cry in your sleep. Pain has no boundaries. You hurt all over and nowhere in particular. Crying releases some of this pain. You are grieving and not much will make sense right now. Your emotions will be all over the place. At least mine were. Don't be alarmed by your feelings or behavior. It is your way of expressing grief. Do whatever you need to do to get through one more day.
God Bless

Tomorrow will be 2 weeks that mom left me. The pain just gets worse, I got a phone call today from the funeral director. Moms ashes are ready for pickup. They wont give them to me being that my oldest brother was the person who signed
the contract. Together we paid for this but everything was put in his name. The other 2 sibs had nothing to do with payment. I called brother and asked him to allow release of ashes to me, he said no! I will be there sometime today or friday for sure. I am very upset there mom is waiting to be picked up. Her other 3 children had nothing to do with her for the last 10 years and now have controll. She waited for 10 years for them and she not have to wait any longer. All I want is my mom home with me. Can this get any worse? I want the life I knew as her caregiver/ only daughter back.I knew I should have never called them but I wanted mom to see them before she left. Sorry to go on and on, please forgive me for taking your time.

Not sure why your brother will not release the ashes to you. Perhaps he is trying to protect you from experiencing this painful task alone. I think calling your sibs was the right thing to do. Their response..... is on them. The fact that You were your mom's only caregiver for 10 years, speaks volumes. Your pain hurts so deeply because you loved your mom so deeply. Your sibs grieve according to their feelings towards your mom, and according to their own personalities.
Trying to figure out why people behave the way they do is exhausting. It causes more stress and frustration. If you have tried to reason with them and still get nowhere, let it go for now. This is a time you need to think about yourself. Take care

Debbie, please don't feel that you are taking up my time. We have been where you are and know what it is like and we want to be here.
I try too keep busy and not dwell on the fact that my Mom is gone. I try and remember when all the moments when she was here and how blessed I was to have her. She was my best friend. It is one of the hardest things I've had to do.
We had my Mom cremated too and her ashes are now on a bookcase in my Dad's bedroom. However, I don't think of my Mom as being gone. I think of a ship when it disappears over the horizon. I know it is there, even if I can't see it. That is the way I feel about my Mom. I feel her with me every day even though I cannot see her. I think as time passes and you find some peace within, you will feel your Mom too. As much as I would love to see me Mom again, she was so upset and sick from this disease, I could not wish her back.
One of the last things my Mom said to me was "go and live your life." I bet your Mom felt the same.
As far as your brothers and other siblings are concerned, try and let it go. I know how hard this is, but you don't need the aggravation. You know in your heart that you where there for your Mom, they will have to make their own peace.
I'm sure you where a great blessing to your Mom and she felt your love everyday. Take comfort in that, and know that she is still with you. No matter where her ashes are.
Please let me know how you are doing.
Blessings, Marcia

Debbie, I noticed that hospice was involved with your Mom's care. They where involved in my Mom's also. They have a group for relatives that have lost loved ones, they are a great support for the family left behind.
Marcia

Dear Debbie,
I am so sorry for your loss. I'm usually on the caregivers forum
but was looking around and saw your posts. Although I still have
my parents (Mom is 72 and still works fulltime, Dad is 74 and
has vascular dementia, is in a NH-parents were divorced years ago)
I do understand the pain of losing close loved ones. I lost two
big sisters; one in 1983 (she was only 20 years old, right above
me in age) and the other in 1997 (she was only 36) Yes, it IS
possible to cry in your sleep. When my sister Barbara died in
1997, my husband woke me up to ask if I was OK. (I was sobbing
in my sleep) I realize words are not enough, but please know
that with time, you will adjust to this. Not "get over" it,
but adjust. You have gotten great advice from the others. I
think it is very important to get around other people, as was
suggested. I know you don't feel like it right now. But for
your sake, do it anyway. I'm sure the hospice DOES have a
support group for people who've lost their loved ones. This
would be so good for you. Even though you are feeling very alone
right now, please know that you are NOT alone. Many others are
in this situation, and can help you. Remember that grieving is
different for all of us, and there is no "time-table" to this.
I'm sending you a ******big hug****** Take care!!

My father died in 1993 and thought I would never get over it. I quit eating. I cried and then, not by plan, I began performing rituals. Ex Days of the dead: I am catholic so when that event came around I created an alter and left food out for my father's spirit (you'd have to read about all that this event does and the rationale)..I made stationery of him and used it to write; I wore his clothing (jackets, t-shirts, P.J's)and covered myself in his blankets when I couldn't go on any more. I went to counseling and cried...I wrote down the words to song lyrics; (one that is esp tear jerking is from Phantom of the Opera) wishing you were here again...and I sung it at the top of my lungs; I went to church....I celebrated all national holidays with his American flags, touched his tools; had his pictures displayed and more...over time the pain ceased...about a year...oh I still miss him and I see him as I write but I have moved forward....often I ask myself what would my dad advise or suggest. He is never out of my mind...he's in my mind, heart and soul just not part of us earthlings. The other thing that helped was knowing that he was no longer suffering...that really became a peaceful reality for me....I suffered the most watching him suffer (CHF). Grieving and healing from loss most definately is a process...When the first Christmas came I did put up a tree but only put on blue lights (I was blue and depressed)...gift giving was forgotten unless it was a poem or something related to my father...I believe we all heal but at different rates depending on the kind of support we have. I remember telling my mom not to die that I couldn't take this pain...and she's lived..but now she has AD and she's 80 and I wonder when she will go...and I'm scared...there's a book called the orphaned adult or something like that...eventually we do become alone without our parents...that's the life cycle and unfortunately there's not a thing we can do about it. I also lit candles for my dad; had my church mention his death; blessed many of his things. On his birthday and other special occasions I wear his US Army dog tags (have done so when I've had to have surgery); I still wear clothes; I honor him every day in some way....Ritualistic behavior, again not intended, helped me heal and I think time also helps....our loved ones are still with us inside; take them with you; hold the memories, display the memories, act out the memories or whatever feels comfortable for you...If your home doesn't feel like a home, let me think...add photos of your loved one? Put a favorite robe...I don't know you so I don't know what might bring comfort....go on one day at a time....grieving needs to be done its our way of integrating the reality of what we have lost and the mind can't integrate this in a day....if I can be of further help in offering any ideas or thoughts feel free to write me directly at smariej@yahoo.com
With thoughts of you
Suiz