2 months have passed and I find myself not being able to sleep and just wake up feeling depressed. The first month without my grandmother was shockingly easy. I only cried the night she died and at her funeral. Mind you I cried for HOURS those days. I thought I was over my grief. I could talk about her, look at videos of her and pictures. But just today I saw a commercial about Alzheimer's and I lost it.

I've been dreaming of her a lot and wake up feeling guilty. Guilty that in the beginning I felt as though she was a bit of a burden. I wasn't used to this new schedule of her being around and in need of attention 24/7, and I hated it. I hated the stage where she would make my mother upset and in turn I would get upset at my grandmother. I feel like such an idiot because I am old enough to understand it wasn't HER being this way, rather it was her brain. But that didn't stop me from not liking her presence in the beginning.

As the months passed and my grandmother slowly became more dependent on us, I felt shy around her. I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to belittle her and treat her like a baby but I knew I couldn't treat her like a full functioning adult, so any free time I got I left, and left her in the care of my mother. I feel horrible guilt that I was SO STUPID to not spend those precious moments with her. Instead of thinking 'Oh I'm young, I can't spend my whole day at home with her...' I should've just sucked it up and stayed. If I would've known how little time I had left, there's no doubt in my mind I would've made a different choice.

I love my grandma with all my heart, it's just at times I didn't know what to do or say to her.And I also feel I was trying to detach myself from her. I thought by doing so I wouldn't miss her so much...

Near the end, things got easier and I spent more time with her, but I just wish I had done that when she was more coherent.

As I was reading what you wrote I thought of my daughter who felt the same way you do. My mom lived with us for almost 12 years & things just got bad for everyone because of the dementia. We had to put her in an ALF & she was there for the last months of her life. Me, her daughter felt terrible for having to place her there, but we had no more options. My daughter would come with me to visit her & say that at least now we have better times with her, quality time. Your grandmother knows just as I know that my mom knows that they were loved. You sound so sweet & caring & I am sure that came across to her. At least you did spend time with her & think of the good times you had. I always say we must make them proud.

Hello MyGrandma,
Your post was very endearing. It clearly shows how much you loved your Grandma. Don't beat yourself up over the moments you wished you had done things differently, hindsight often has that affect. Help your mom through the grief of losing her mom by telling her how much you loved your Grandma and think of her now. Share your memories of your Grandma with your mom now.

Peace,

Mari

Dear Aurora's Granddaughter,

I remember a few months ago when your Little Princess passed away.... With you and your family at her side.... and your Mom saying the Psalms.... The lovely touching video you posted in her memory....

I also remember back then I said to you that for me, I needed the seasons to pass....

It has only been a few short months for you. I think you might have been busy the first month. There were probably things to do with her passing. The second month, it becomes more real that she is no longer with you. More time to think about her and miss her....

But please, don't feel any guilt. Didn't / doesn't this damned disease beat us up enough that we don't need to put the extra burden of guilt on ourselves??

You did the best you could for your Grandmother and yourself each day you cared for her. Some days might have been better then others, but it was your best for that day!

You Grandmother raised a fine daughter who in turn raised a fine daughter!

There will be those moments that catch you totally off guard - like seeing a commercial on tv. Acknowledge them and let them pass. And let the seasons pass. And with each one, the grief and the healing come.... Someday you will, hopefully, only remember the precious times and the loving lessons you learned from your beloved Little Princess - no guilt allowed!

with love and peace,
Serendipity

May your grief be lightened by the care from this site. Know that you are and were a wonderful granddaughter and that Aurora loved you very much. Do not "I should have" it is not so. You did what you were able and that is the end. Focus on the good time spent with her and not the time you did not spend. I bet you have great memories so use them to help lighten your grief. Smile and tell a story about her that will make your heart happy.
May you take comfort from all the members here that truly understand what you have lost.
God Bless,
sheryl