We lost Dad two months ago. When he was placed in the snf on July 2, Mom asked us (me and DH) to move into the family home with her (she's 83, very independent, still drives, goes to church, shops, etc.) because we knew Dad wasn't coming home and she didn't want to live in our apt.

Who would? I mean, our apt. was 2,300 sq. feet and her/our home is 2,800 sq. feet with 5 bedrooms. It's not a mansion by far, but it's just like the Brady Bunch house.

So we got moved in two weeks before Dad passed. Mom is a hoarder and pack rat. We aren't. Ever since she had bc four years ago, we've been at her beck and call (as well as Dad's) to take care of them. I am an only child and my hubby has been a dream and so supportive.

I feel as if we have no privacy. She's always here. She's always asking us to do the pittliest little things while we're in the middle of big things trying to merge two full households into one and get rid of our mutual accumulated crap.

So last night, we went to a friend's Halloween party, and she wanted to go. Great. And of course other than greeting her, my friends (40+ in age) were busy with their kids and DH took the time to relax and hand out candy. So I got stuck keeping her company.

She started to bitch. "I feel so displaced. You guys have so much stuff. I feel trapped"

We have done EVERYTHING for her, we handle everything in terms of paperwork, we pay all her house expenses instead of rent, she doesn't have to worry about a thing. We take her to shows, concerts, doctors appointments, etc.

I'm so frustrated. That and I just found out that she called her best friend FIRST to tell her that Dad had passed, then she called me. WTF?

She's telling my husband on one hand that she's so glad we're living under the same roof because she loves us and she feels safe, then she goes and tells me this crap about feeling displaced.

Should I just ignore her? I'm at wit's end. My husband and I are even planning rendevous' so we can spend "alone" time.

Thanks for letting me vent. I know she's grieving, and she wants all the attention, but she fails to realize that I'm grieving too. I lost my Dad. And I'm 45-they were married for 50 years. She had him only 5 more years than I did.

Shelley

I don't post much, but I'm going through much the same thing you are. This weekend was very bad. Mom has lived with me and my sister for two years. Before that she lived independently, with a part-time caretaker. She is used to being the boss and running everything. We are treated as if we are small children who she can order around. She believes nothing we say, wants to go everywhere with us, wants us to take her to see her old caretaker (friend) in NY (we live in Florida). "Well, it's not that far. One of you can drive me there one day and the other can pick me up the next day!" We're selfish. She walks with difficulty, falls a lot, due to a deteriorating spine, has heart (breathing)problems, no stamina, and thinks she's able to do everything. If we take her anywhere the outing is short-lived because she needs to go home. Of course, this is "not true". Theraputic lies don't help because she doesn't let anything go. Can't remember where she lives, but remembers what she wants (trip to NY)! Relentless. She dominates every moment she is awake. Has no money - no assisted living. Isn't in need of acute medical care of a nursing home, makes just a little too much to qualify for medicaid. Our life has disappeared. disappearing

Wow - so much for being 'nice' It sure sounds like both you and pb could use a nice ALF for your Moms. Not like they'd go willingly I'm sure, but it sounds like it would be best. They'd be surrounded by people their own age, similar backgrounds, etc. They could even 'B" about you to them - HA!
I wonder if a social worker (or therapist )could help find a good in-the-middle solution.
Somehow adjustments need to be made. If they can't, maybe there's something else medical going on? I'm sure you've both thought about that having gone down this road before. If nothing else, how about something for them to do long enough to give you time to breath? Daycare, volunteer, sorting, filing, something? Some other focus other than 'B'ing at and about you.
I hope a solution your situations comes soon.

PB,

I empathize with you. Your comment about your life disappearing made me cry. I lived at home until I got married (at 34) because I felt it was my duty to take care of my parents' needs, although they were both totally self-sufficient.

Married for the last 10 years to the best man ever, and we were in our cozy little apt. in the city with independence and freedom.

Now, with Dad's death, we are back in the home where I spent my college years and young adulthood, and I feel trapped. Like I always have to see that Mom is occupied and that she doesn't feel left out. RE: the Halloween party: she was excited to go, but afterwards started complaining that she was bored.

Mom also makes too much to be on Medical and we're trying to get her to join more classes, etc. She jsut joined senior aerobics and Tai Chi, which she enjoys, but that's during the day when I'm at work. By th time I get home, exhausted, she's had her lunch, her nap, and is waiting at the door for me like a puppy.

Guess I just need to learn to cope. It's hard, though, as I know you know. While writing this, I'm reminded of something Dad's dr. told us: "Be as normal as you can be. The more sacrifices you feel you have to make, the more resentful you'll be and Dad probably won't recognize them anyway."

Very profound. Hope it helps. I have to remember it too!

Beth in Indiana

I wish it was as easy as bringing in someone to help. Since my sister and I both work, we've tried three different times to get help. Mom refuses to let me use her any part of her SS $$ to pay for them, she refuses to have them in the house, and is nasty. I have POA and handle her money, but she know she has spending money each month after contributing to house. (I had to move to a larger apt when she moved in and her contributions helps pay the rent, etc.) Wish I could just give her play $$, but she knows the difference. It's so hard. she has no $$ for ALF, is too healthy for a nursing home.

She refuses to go to senior centers - "I don't want to be around a bunch of those old people". "You can't drive me there" - she won't go on the senior bus. Has been conveniently "sick" each time I've tried to make it happen...
she's a tough old bird.

All of this bring my own mortality too close. My sister and I both say we'll shoot ourselves, but I'm just religious enough that I really don't want to spend eternity in h*ll--not after this life has been h*ll!