I am not doing ok. My mom died August 8th and not a day goes by that I don't think of her. I find something of hers and have to quickly put it away. All I see are the last days of her life and it's so painful. Why didn't I do this; why didn't I do that. Why didn't I spend more time with her? That's what keeps haunting me. I can hardly write how much I miss my mom right now. I dread the Holidays and yet we rarely spent them together. I regret so much. I know you all understand and so I really needed to put out there how horrible I'm doing. It's not everyday that I feel this much grief, but when it hits, it hits hard and I feel like I'll never get over it.

Oh Lisa,
I am so so sorry. I must say all the obvious things, like you did your best, your mom was ready to go, etc, but none of it helps on a day like this. Just know that your mom is still with you, in your heart -- it is so obvious!! Your love for each other will never die. Lean on it, talk to your mom, tell her your thoughts...then try to let them go and focus on a happier time. Your mom would want you to do that. I am so sorry you are having such a hard time today. I hope it gets better.

Mari

Hi Lisa - just wanted you to know I hear you. I'm sorry you're having a bad stretch. I hope you'll be able to forgive yourself and accept soon. I'm sure you did what you could when you could. That's all any of us can do. It nevers seems like enough, to me, because we could never fix this disease.
I hope you can once again focus on good memories with your Mom soon - a favorite activity perhaps? In the mean time, we're here for you. I'm sure others will have much more to add.
Wishing you peace -

Hi Lisa,

I understand your feelings as I am in the process of letting go of my husbands body. I treasure every minute I have it. He is sleeping more and eating less. At 119 pounds and 6.3 he is still on his feet and destined for hospice care but my heart is being ripped out.
Neverthess, I know he will remain with me and yet be in a much better place. Still gtrief is hard work taking courage and joy. We are here may peace be with you.

Dear Lisa:

My mother has been gone for nine years and I still grieve for her. Your loss is still so recent and fresh. I can say that in time, lots of it, the intensity of the grief will lessen. I can say that it never goes away completely. It is very common and natural to think of all the things we think we should have done or have done differently. That's our nature as caring people. We all have our regrets, but in actuality at the time, we did do our very best, we did what we humanly could. Be patient and kind to yourself, grieving is a process and it is different for everyone. The holidays are coming and that's always a hard time for everyone. I feel it now, too. My mom always did Thanksgiving and I'm missing her.
I try to do some of the same things my mom did for Thanksgiving, like sit the turkey on the counter with it's legs crossed. My mom did that and it made me laugh. So I do it now and I make my daughter laugh. Take very good care of yourself right now.

Dear Lisa:

This is becoming my mantra: "I am not alone," and you are not alone in this. I lost my mom just a few weeks ago, but Alzheimer's took my mother's essence a long time before God took her body. I'm a strong and practical woman, and I knew that death would be her release -- that she would go to Heaven and be whole again. But when death came, my grief surprised me. I think of her every day. Sometimes with tears, sometimes with smiles. But she is right there all the time -- in the forefront of my mind.

Before my mom's illness, she and I were not close. She was my mom and I loved her, but for alot of reasons I won't bore you with, I thought she was weak, and that she had given up on life. After the Alz diagnosis, her short-term memory was the first thing to go. She started sharing stories about her growning up years, talking about her alcoholic and demented mother and her helpless father. She never talked about these things before, and it made me finally understand why she was the woman she was. She and I looked at life differently. That didn't make me better than her -- just different. It took her Alz diagnosis for me to realize that.

Shortly after the Alz diagnosis, we were out one day, and she asked me why this had happened to her. I told her I thought this was God's way of bringing us closer together. And that was so true. During her 4 years from diagnosis to death, she and I grew very close. I became her protector and advocate. We would laugh and cry together; shake our booties in the car when a great song came on (I have a special memory of "It's Raining Men"); or I'd just sit and read my book while she rested in bed. I was there for her in a way I had not been before.

Yes, I have regrets. I wish that I had been as good a daughter to her before the diagnosis as I was after. But she is in Heaven now, and I know she is proud of me. She's looking down, and saying, "Kid, ya did good." I can't let my regrets control the rest of my life. I will cherish the memories of our good and bad times together. And I'm going to carry this feeling with me, and show more respect and compassion for others.

Regret is an awful thing. We can never go back -- only forward. Don't torment yourself over something that can never be changed.

Best wishes to you, Lisa, and to everyone.

Kathy, Wow! Your message is very very touching. Thank you for sharing your story and the insight into how AD affected your relationship with your mom in a positive way. It brought tears to my eyes.

I lost my mom to AD in February. She was 90, and oh so smart and independent before the AD took over her mind. I too became her protector and advocate after she was diagnosed and she became worse and worse. One of my most vivid memories is of me and my mom sitting on a bench in Walmart waiting for my brother to purchase some things. Mom was having a particularly hard day, difficult to get around and not communicating much. Both my brother and I noticed a big change in her that day. We just sat there together, not saying anything. I had my arm around her and was rubbing her back. My brother called me over to the checkout to ask me a question. Not thinking, I went over to him leaving my mom sitting there alone with my purse. When I turned around, she was sitting there staring straight ahead, but had wrapped my purse strap around her wrist so that no one could grab it and run off with it. I was so moved by this, that she still had the presence of mind to realize that she needed to protect my purse! She fell two days later, broke her hip and died less than a month after that. But, I remember that day as clear as anything.

I am so glad we are all here to support each other through this part of the "after journey". Thank you.

Mari

Lisa: We must focus on the good. Kathy & Mari shared with us such beautiful stories. You made me laugh Mari about the pocketbook. My mom also no matter what never forgot hers or mine. Even when she came into my part of the house, which was connected, she brought her pocketbook with her. Kathy, I too was closer with my dad & became closer to mom during her illness. I respect her now realizing all she went through. I think we should start a post remembering the good or funny things that our loved ones did.
Take care all. Another dreary day here in New York!!

I'm hearing you and know you're not alone. When my father passed 16 yrs ago, I went thru the crying spells out of the clear blue,,,,just thinking about him. I carried kleenex with me always as never knew when the spells would begin.

I will tell you it does get better with time. Just be patient with yourself and know this is part of being human and loving and caring for others.

REMEMBER --- TIME HEALS ALL!!!!

Best to you always~

{{{{HUGS}}}}to all!
Looking back...each of us can probably think of a situation where we "could have/'should' have done something differently" in a variety of circumstances, especially when our LO ultimately dies. But we are very hard on ourselves, I think us 'caregiver' types are hard on ourselves most of the time! Try to think of all the times that you HELPED!!! I'm sure that in every one of our cases, they far outnumber the "what ifs"! Give yourself credit, we each earned it! This is a very tough journey, because we lose our LO a little bit at a time, so we are not really prepared for them to 'suddenly' leave us completely!

And our grief comes and goes seemingly at will for 'ever'. I lost my younger brother in 2005, then Mom last November, and Pops just on October 2. My first reaction was now that my mom has her husband with her...they are so much in love still after 34 years...I want my brother BACK! He was 14 years my junior, like a son to me, a friend and a spiritual guide...a lot to lose at once!) It surprised me though that this was my first reaction, seems I've not fully grieved over his death, having most of my emotions on autopilot through the Alz journey with both my parents since before his sudden death. And the holidays haven't been the holidays for our family since 2005, I think losing a sibling kinda' divided us, rather than united us.

Last year I started some 'new' traditions, that will be mine & my husband's, not my mother's! But I've kept a few seasonal keep sakes, so she's still a part of the 'ceremonies'.

And lastly...Yea to Lisa for having the guts to come here on a rotten day! That's what we are here for...support, encouragement, information and cyber hugs {{{{HUGS}}}}}!

Hope everyone has a 'better day soon'! P.S. A 'good day is any day this side of the dirt'! One of my lessons in chronic depression!

Take go*d care, Shaye

Lisa, I'm so sorry you're feeling this bad. My mom has been gone since April 24th, and I also think of her every day. But I can finally say that now there are times when I actually smile when I think of her. For a long time after she died, all I could "see" was that last 48 hours, and what she went through and looked like when she died. Those memories are still there if I call them up, but they have definitely taken a back seat in my brain, at least for now.

The holidays will be really difficult. I have a feeling we will be spending lots of time with our virtual friends here. I know I will be needing all of you.

Take care, and know that we all care about you.

Lisa, I feel exactly the same way you do. I lost Momma on Sept 6 and not a day goes by with out thinking of her. It really hurts so bad when the memories are not the happy ones.

Like Kathi, Mom and I were not close. We were as far apart as the universe stretches. She never even confided in me when she got the Alz. diagnosis in 1999. Then she denied it. After moving her into my home in '05, our relationship got even worse. After I placed her in an ALF in Jan. 08, it still took a couple of months for things to get better. Then almost overnight, I became her rock. Since that point, I have always doubted everything I had to do, always second and third guessing myself. When she passed, I felt (and still do) that it was the ultimate failure for me. It kills me that I couldn't "save" her.

I don't know if these feelings will ever end or if I'll ever be able to say "I did the very best anyone could do". All I know is that I hate Alz. with a passion and what it did to Momma, but at the same time, I grew to realize just how much I love my Momma.

I'll be praying for you. Hopefully, we will able be able to find some peace with this someday.

Sharla

Lisa
I do want to tell you with time things do get better but, I don't think we ever quit missing them. I lost my mom 7//5/08 and my Dad 9/3/08 I had been their primary caretaker for five years. My life changed drastically after their deaths, I am still adjusting but just yesterday for the first time I was able to laugh at a memory. My mom loved Halloween or I guess I should say she loved kids and them dressing up was always fun for her so, today has been a bad day for me.

Wow Lisa, I'm really sorry that you are having a hard time. I do remember what you shared with us in chat and on the forums. Her last days were very difficult.
We can't change the past, we can only better the future by what we've learned in the past.
Please Lisa STOP beating yourself up, it is not fair.
Lisa, seek out a support group. Check your insurance company and see if they cover therapy.
And possibly do some kind of volunteer work. TWO hours a week hold kittens at a rescue; or volunteer at a woman's shelter; or be a Baby Buddy in the well nursery at a nearby hospital; or be a Big Sister to a mother-less child.
Lisa there are a lot of needs all around us, and fulfilling those needs will in return fill your needs. Changes are in your future, so sieze them.
I will keep you in mind and prayers.