Some of you may have seen this, but I wanted to put it on this forum. It was sent to me by the Hospice grief counselor. It's called "Forever Changed."

Can you see the change in me? It may not be so obvious to you.

I participate in family activities, I attend family reunions. I help plan holiday meals. You tell me you're glad to see that I don't cry anymore.

But I do cry. When everyone has gone - when it is safe - the tears fall. I cry in privacy so my family won't worry. I cry until I am exhausted and can finally sleep.

I'm active in church. I sing the hymns. I listen to the sermon. You tell me you admire my strength and my positive attitude.

But I'm not strong. I feel that I have lost control, and I panic when I think about tomorrow . . . next week . . . next month . . . next year.

I go about the routine of my job. I complete my assigned tasks. I drink coffee and smile. You tell me you're glad to see I'm "over" the death of my loved one.

But I'm not "over" it. If I get over it, I will be the same as before my loved one died. I will never be the same. At times I think I am beginning to heal, but the pain of losing someone I loved so much has left a permanenet scar on my heart.

I visit my neighbors. You telll me you're glad to see I'm holding up so well. But I am not holding up well. Sometimes I want to lock my door and hide from the world.

I spend time with friends. I appear calm and collected. I smile when appropriate. You tell me it's good to see me back to my "old self."

But I will never be back to my "old self." Death and grief have touched my life.

And I am forever changed.

Jackie,
Thank you for sharing a very real and painful thought of grief.
Just once you want to say...I am not strong...but we don't, must go on.
May God give you peace with your memories as you hold them close to your heart.
You and Jim have kept me crying here this AM but my heart is smiling as the real sentiments that you shared of yourself in your grief.
Thanks,
Sheryl

The words are so true Jackie. We are Forever Changed. Hospice called me yesterday & asked how am I doing? What can I say? I tell them as well as can be I guess. Take care

Thank you Jackie. I may seem like my old self, smile, joke and laugh at times but I too am forever changed.

Jackie, thank you for sharing this poem. It is spot on how I feel too. Sometimes I look at people from behind my smile and just want to scream "can't you see that I'm hurting!!!"?

Mari

Thank you Jackie -- I know I will never be the same. Life, for me, was forever changed the day I lost my sweet husband to this disease. It's now been three years, and the tears still flow. I never saw this poem before, but there are so many truths in it. Thanks again for sharing. Kathy L.

I'm glad you all liked it, and sorry that we have all been touched by this wicked disease. I am really dreading the holidays. I walked by the Hallmark store last night and it was totally decked out in Christmas stuff. I completely fell apart. My mom soooooo love Christmas!

Thanks, Jackie B.
I also am apprehensive of the holidays. Was just thinking this week that it was a year ago that we decided my DF needed an ALF. He was still at my house for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter, though, so it will be so strange without him.

Mom was over for dinner last weekend, as she has been many times since Dad's passing. My daugther later commented how strange it was without Pop. I wonder why that particular day hit her.

So, I know the whole family is forever changed, but it does seem to hit me more than most. Guess it is what it is. Nice to know I am not alone and have all of you to help me through.

Ironic that the holidays should come up as, even though it will not be my first Christmas without my husband, they are still hard. Just the other day I was searching the group Il Divo on youtube and decided to listen to "Adeste Fedales" as this is my favorite Christmas Carol. Suffice it to say, the floodgates opened and I had a good cry. I have most of Il Divo's recordings except for the Christmas album. I'm going to Barnes and Noble today to pick up a book that I ordered. I don't know if I will purchase the CD or not. Their version of the Carol is amazing -- we'll see.

I hope everyone has a blessed day despite the incredible loss we all feel.

Love,
Kathy L

I too am dreading the Holidays. Wish I could knock out before Thanksgiving and then wake up after the New Year.