Death has taken over me and my life. Not only illnesses, but divorces and ends of everything. Patty died, my other sister will die in the next coupld of months. A daughter-in-law is causes the death of a marriage and trying to cause psychological death in her children for their father. Too much at once! My other big sister is dying. She is home on hospice now. Patty is gone. My grandkids are not available for my love. This is too hard. Patty is being forgot in it all. Blurring my memory of the illness and her. I cry for all of it. But I cannot focus on her! How awful. She deserves more from me. She is gone and I'm having a hard time keeping her in my mind now.

I'm venting. I'm hurting. I'm sad. This is all too hard. Writing. Should I? It is here I've been. It is where Patty and I were able to deal. She breathed and tried to swallow, I wrote what I could. I suffered with her. I don't want to ignor it. So much more is interferring. I can't lose touch with her. She deserves more thought.

I'm crying as I write. She deserves to have tears for her. I feel like I'm losing her again. Interference. Grief cannot be over so soon. New grief, old grief. How will I be able to know who I'm grieving?

quote:

I'm crying as I write. She deserves to have tears for her. I feel like I'm losing her again. Interference. Grief cannot be over so soon. New grief, old grief. How will I be able to know who I'm grieving?

Kathy, your grief is so strong, it's like I can feel it by just reading your words.

I've had an unusual amount of death in my life. Family members, friends, more than anyone else I've known. I wish I could write a book, but it would be a mistake to make grief that complicated.

Kathy, grief doesn't reside in compartments. Grief doesn't use time, that's why a hurt that happened when only a child can still be raw decades later. Nobody with a complex burden like yours gets to choose who they're grieving, because grief doesn't have those kind of boundaries. That's why you can't know who you're grieving - - you're grieving for them all. Does this make sense?

If your departed loved ones could talk to you right now, would one say she deserves more thought? Or, would she say, don't be silly, you're doing just fine?

I believe with all my heart that our departed loved ones are past details of how much we cried, when we cried, were we thinking only of them at the time. What do you think?

Dearest Kathy,

Patty has not, and will not be forgotten. Your journey with her will live in my heart forever.

To me, grief is one of the strongest emotions. One that controls us more then any other. And for you, to be experiencing it on so many levels at the same time is overwhelming to be sure.

The anticipatory grief, the grief that we live with, mostly in silence, as we watch our loved ones along their journey. The grief that happens when they do pass.... Grief over relationships ending.... Grief over loosing connections to those we need in our lives and not being able to reach out for them....

I want to shout at the world.... STOP! Don't you know what just happened?? What is happening??

But the world does not stop.... And life continues on.... And we get slammed by other things that we have to be strong for, and we don't even get the moments we need to breath.... and grieve.

What Alan said, that grief doesn't reside in compartments, that it has no boundaries.... well said.... But for certain it will come, and you might not know who or what you are grieving for at that exact moment in time.... I don't think you have to sort it out. Events happened together in your life. It is just plain and simply.... YOUR grief.

Old cliches like "life is for the living" and "time heals all wounds" come to mind.... We know these to be true, but in our deepest despair they are only words.... And we cry tears we cannot control.... And we hold back tears we cannot control.... And life around us keeps on going....

Come here, write the words you need to write.... It will be part of your healing journey.... Know that there are those of us out here, listening, holding you in our prayers....

with love and peace,
Serendipity

Kathy,
I am really so sorry for everything you are going through right now. It must be extremely overwhelming. I'm not sure how I would even function with all of that going on.

My 19 y.o. son landed in the hospital 8 days after we buried my mom. He was extremely ill with diabetic ketoacidosis (we never even knew he had diabetes until then). It took several days to get all his different systems back in sync. During that time, I did not cry once about my mom. I didn't have time to go to the cemetery and refresh her flowers. All my focus was on my son. I felt bad about it at the time and wondered how could I possibly push my mom aside like that?

Once my son recovered and got his diabetes under control, the grief came back, and it still hits me pretty hard every now and then. I think my mind/body was only capable of processing one crisis at a time.

While my experience pales in comparison to everything you are going through, I just thought I would share. Let your feelings be whatever they will be. There is no right or wrong. Patty knew and knows how much you love her and knows you would never ever forget her.

Please keep posting here. We all need each other. Maybe you can chat with us tonight? It's at 10 pm EST.

Thanks for the responses to my vent. Just want to let you know that I'm okay and will write again re your answers. Too late right now and my little dog needs care as he just had infection that needed to be drained and I'm on Caregiver watch tonight! He has to keep very clean....

Alan
Thank you for responding to my outcries. It has taken me this long now to be able to respond as I've been avoiding thinking about everything... What I found most helpful were your thoughts regarding grief not compartmentalizing, and it does not use time; that there are no boundaries to grief and sadness. Beyond grief, depression too would likely be described in much the same way. How did you get so smart? And I know my loved ones are watching over me, trying to assist me in the challenges I find myself in now.

Serendipity
Amazing that you find the kindness to recognize Patty's life and journey, and mine, to your memory. I find that the sweetest response I could have received. Thank you so much and I grasp onto your thoughts and words to calm me.

Jackie b
The kindness you have shown here with your posts have been immeasurable. I'm not sure how I'm making it through all this either, or if I really am. I need to be in two places now; here, with my son (2 hrs away) for backup, and travel to see my sister 5-6 hours away. With little funds available both are proving really hard to accomplish. Those gas prices are way too high.

With the posts I'm reading and answering I'm finding that I have a good place to come to express my inner feelings regarding these things I'm dealing with. Pat's picture sits beside my computer here, and I can feel her presence with me as I write. I can say too from her to all of you, thank you, and be good to yourselves as well.

Kathy,

It was good to see this post from you. Alan is one wise person isn't he! As are so many others here.... I don't know what I would do without this board to come to.

How is your little doggy doing??

S

Serendipity
Doggy better. Drain worked. Antibiotic working. Drain just taken out about an hour ago. He stills wears his "collar" to keep him from scratching. Caregiver's jobs never end!

Today I know I'm grieving Patty. Heard about Patrick Swayzee dying and saw the VIEW where Whoopi spoke of her friend with sadness, then Barbara showed clips of her interview with him when he spoke of his father and his angels caring for him as he "lived" with his struggle. Broke me up. Later I was cleaning cabinets in the kitchen and came across Pat's meds that have been sitting there since her death. I had no indication of sadness when I first started, but later when I was telling my husband I cleaned out that cabinet today and I mentioned Pat's meds I broke up. He could not understand my crying, and neither could I. Just bombards me softly.... Later when I thought of it the crying started again. Meds made me cry today... Pat's meds.

Earlier as I cleaned I thought about how long it had been since I wrote on the AD website forum, and thought I'd bring up the computer later on to describe my latest changes that are happening. I thought of telling about how I went on an interview with Expresspros yesterday and how good it made me feel to get dressed up with my jewelry, nice clothing, makeup, even heels! Didn't realize I'd be describing grief again.

Many other things have happened since I last wrote, mostly contacting my other sister regarding her hospice care and speaking with her and thinking about her and her cancer diagnosis... and how she is not going to be treated as the cancer has spread so far and fast... Then there's the awful issue regarding my son and his children being torn apart by his now awful wife.... just Sunday I went with him to see them and experienced the behavior he has described when he saw them a few weeks ago... they are holding their emotions in check; they are describing him negatively behind his back to me... at least I was able to reassure them they have a great and good dad. Even with the brainwashing they have been receiving, I could see them as their old selves during the day as being with their dad evened out and they became more like their old selves as we spent time at the playground, walked, ate pizza, read at B&N. When it came time to leave to be dropped off, the unemotional behavior began again... now I'm thinking they really are so scared and they just don't know what to be scared at... they probably don't know why their own reactions are happening inside themselves. The grief of the old and known hits too. Nothing will be the same for them now. At least I was able to see them again and love them again where they could see it. We live so far apart, I don't get to see them even before all this happened.

Grief happens in so many different ways. My poor grandbabies (8 and 10 yrs old) should not have to feel these feelings yet.... I just tried to reassure them that in the future, after much turmoil, things will get better and I was able to tell them how their older cousin, now 19, lived through it too and he is okay. I hope that helps them somehow cope with the horrible ordeal their mother is putting them through for no good reason. My son is trying hard to keep level headed as he knows he has to describe the issues in a clear way when he gets his say in court. So far, he has been walked all over and the lies are numerous!!! Today I found out at least the children have a legal guardian assigned to them, so because Patty had that during the guardianship transferral to me from my mom in 2001 when we moved to PA, I know that that legal guardian assigned is probably a lawyer for the children. My son had requested that in the first family court hearing.

I should not be speaking of these items, but all these things together cause GRIEF. AD has the awful long grief. Thank goodness these unfortunate issues did not start before Pat passed. I don't think I would have been able to deal with all of it while she was still here under my care. It so would have taken away from her care I think. I was able to focus only on her then, and that was what was so important until she went to her angels and family in her afterlife... as Patrick Swayzee put it!

I'm not so mixed up anymore. I'm seeing things better for what they are again. Pat comes in and out of my mind softly now most times, and that happens often as I see her things around me. I took some of her angels I had around her to my other sister when I visited her a while back. I think she appreciated it. I also gave her a picture of Patty about a year before she passed I had taken for assistance reasons. In the shot Pat's eyes looked as she did when she passed, open and looking downward, still open though. I could see in the picture she was trying to either smile of talk, because of the way her mouth was pictured. I think she might have been trying to say CHEESE! Can only wonder, as she was already not able to speak well at that time...

Patty gave me purpose during the three years of her worst part of the illness. I'm now on a journey or adventure to find out a new purpose. Each day is different. I feel like I'm still growing up. And I'm 61! I don't move around like I used to, because of back issues. And I have to get back into the profit market so I can pay my bills. Hubby is now a Certified Nurses Aide and seems to enjoy the work, especially when assigned to an individual's home. The nursing home routine was a bit much as he worked 12 hours straight one weekend day, then 8 hrs the next day... that was exhausting. This in-home CNA work is better, just less hours... Patty gave my husband a new purpose too!

Bye for now

Grief again. Feeling numb. What can I feel? Patty now has my other sister with her and maybe Carol saw Patty at the moment of her death as my niece said she had a smile on her face with her eyes facing her window when she discovered Carol passed yesterday. Only yesterday? Seems longer somehow. I'm feeling pretty low today. Patty and Carol are on my mind and I'm not functioning.... depressed feelings have been abundant as I cannot find work or pay my bills. My mind is still good. My body older, but working sufficiently to be working, hopefully! What am I to do? I might not be able to travel to my sister's wake or mass this weekend. No gas money and she is about 6 hours away....

Here I come to be comforted. Hello all. I should be searching for jobs on the computer, but here I am again looking for comfort. Will this ever be better. At 61, job market bad, two sisters dying within 4 months of each other, bills accumulating, family deterioration, I'm so sad!

Just want to sleep, but can't. Today not a good day.

Oh Kathy, I am so sorry!! Of course you are looking for comfort! Who wouldn't be? You have my deepest condolences and my prayers for strength and peace during this very difficult time. Maybe, as you say, today is not a good day, but they will come. Keep the faith. We care.

Mari

Kathy, I am so sorry for your tremendous losses. In such a short time you have had to bear so much. Know that you will receive support here and sympathy also.
May God grant you peace and grace to enjoy the wonderful memories that you do have. May He be with your grandchildren during their difficult transition in life. Amen
Take time to care for yourself please. As a caregiver and family member you are at weak time so do something positive just for YOU, YOU are worth it.
Please let us know how you are soon!
Sheryl

I am so sorry for what you have been through. It just seems unbearable, I am sure. I hope you can find a way to attend the wake this weekend. It might bring you some comfort. Of course, it may be really tough, too, since Kathy just passed so recently, so expect that. In the long run, though, you may find some comfort.

Can you take a walk and get some of the cool fall air into your lungs? Maybe just sit by a pond and reminisce and let your mind go and get refreshed. I find that being in nature helps me to refocus. Then start that job hunt. Even if it is for a part-time job that you normally would not consider, just to get you out of the house and working again. Some of the department stores may be doing some Christmas hiring soon. I know when I worked retail, we started some staff in October doing stocking and such. But of course, with the economy like it is, there might not be as much there as usual.

Good luck. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Dearest Kathy,

I too have been thinking about you and when just exhibit love posted in the caregivers forum asking about you yesterday, I thought we would hear....

Now we know....

I am so sorry to hear of your sister Carol's passing. Please accept my heartfelt sympathy. What a lovely thought your niece had, and who knows, maybe your sisters are together now. I would like to think so.

I would also like to think they are watching over you now. How overwhelming the grief you are feeling for loosing two dear sisters and then the added emotions of your son's divorce.

STOP the World to be sure!! My thoughts for you.... just take care of yourself. Give yourself the permission you need to do whatever you need for the moment.... the hour.... the day.... the month.... however long it takes for you to survive and get through.

Know that we are here for you....

with love and peace
Serendipity

Dear Kathy,
I haven't posted in quite awhile, but felt compelled to send some support your way. My deepest sympathy, for your losses.

We gravitate toward what we need. If you need us, for comfort, support, strength, whatever, I pray that you receive whatever you need, and then are recharged, to continue your job hunt.

I truly believe that no one dies alone. There are always Loved Ones, waiting "in the wings".

Please, keep us informed on your progress.

Hi girlfriend..

I missed seeing this thread..I have thought of you so often..posted to you recently on the caregiver forum..hoping you would come by..

when you have time..please consider coming to musings and posting on saribet's thread..called rambling musing..

my friend..that thread... is a soft place to fall when you need one..come read you will see..

yes your thoughts about grief are so true..

I recently lost a dear friend..since childhood we have known each other..she died of Lung cancer..

and it was not easy for me..even though I am a nurse..and even when we know..what will happen ..we are never ready for the big moments... in Life..

my friend was jewish as many of my friends are..and she had such courage..and faith..through her illness..


I went each day and helped her the best..I could..her husband..was so grateful..for friends and family..as he needed and needs.. much support also..

I just don't know..my friend..we Live Long enough..we outlive those who mean the most to us..in this thing called Life and its so hard..this thing called grief...

but one thing for sure we Learn..Life goes on..with us..or without us..

for me Karen..when grief..was so bad..I could not get out of bed..I realized..I needed..to get busy living..or get busy dying..and my friend who died recently was the one there for me..and told me..to get out of that bed.

she was so full of Life..a very positive person..a pharmacist by profession..who Loved Life..

when she was diagnosed with Lung cancer..she kept it to herself..then told me one night ..and ...she went to fast..for me..I needed her in my Life...I was being selfish..we were always there for each other..and now..she is gone..

so my friend..none of us know what tomorrow will bring..and sometimes I feel I cannot withstand another loss in my Life..

so all we can do..is cherish those we have..and never forget..those who have passed before us..they are always in our hearts..

my email is posted.. as you know..please keep in touch..as I have always felt close to you..we bonded my friend..

I so hope you find work soon as I know in my heart....everyone will Love you..no matter where you go..

may you find positive.... ways to cope my friend.....to help you..when you need that soft place to fall..in moments of sadness..Love Rosie

serendipity

Thank you so much for Letting me know about little sisters thread here..I appreciate your kindness..Love Rosie

All of you who have answered here with this posting are such good friends. Each of you in your own way have given me such solace so needed. Knowing of caring individuals who give their time to others has been such a great experience within these "pages" that the feeling of a great big wonderful HUG each day gets through this thing called a monitor!!

Caregivers are special people. We are capable of so much love that sometimes it seems strange and incomprehensible, don't you think? Remember as children when our parents would use their arms wide open to express their love's abilities? Well, here I see that every time I read all your words. I thank you all for the generosity of your hearts. I thank you all for loving your loved ones. I thank you all for loving all of humanity, as you so express that ability each of you possess with such dignity. Your experiences are valuable. Your lives are valuable. Pat yourselves on your backs each day and tell yourselves "What a great job" you are doing.

Whenever I read that people are praying for me, I often wonder how do they do that. I learned prayers in my Catholic upbringing. But my prayers cannot express my thoughts. I do use those learned prayers to comfort myself still, but I have learned that my words written out, expressing myself openly as I can, makes for better prayer for me. I wish for good to all people and I wish for their well-being, but sometimes I find it hard to express in words what might be a prayer for them. Prayer for me is internal, unspoken and unthought... expressed in feeling somehow. So I feel for all of you. I feel for your comfort. I feel for your kindnesses. I feel for your well-being.

I will write again about my experience this past weekend, but it is late and I think I will try to sleep. Sleep is not always coming when I need it, so when I feel I can I lay my head for a few hours at a time.

Last week I was not sure if I would be able to travel to my oldest sister's viewing and funeral mass. In the end I was able to make the trip which took 7 hours because of horrible traffic conditions. My son travelled with me. My sister was his godmother. My other son and his wife also travelled that day as well.

We were late because of the traffic, but the funeral home people allowed us to visit with my sister for about 10 minutes. My sister looked as if she would just turn her head toward me and begin to speak. Her face and hair were nicely styled and she wore her glasses too. She did not look too thin, as the weight she lost was not noticeable. Carol always had full cheeks and that night her face seemed to glow beautifully. Her hair had grown out with the natural grays she had tried to hide the past years. Actually I liked her better with the natural beauty she possessed.

As I walked around the large room I saw many pictures during her lifetime that her family had put out. One stood out to me. It was a black and white picture of Carol during her high school years in a classroom. I thought I would love to have a copy, then walked toward a table where a memory box was displayed. People were able to write a memory and put it into the box. I spoke of the time during my childhood that Carol had taken me to and from school on a bus. We had our Catholic school uniforms on and boys from the public school got onto the bus with caterpillars that they began throwing around the back of the bus. My sister and her friends were reacting and I grabbed one of the caterpillars that had landed on Carol and threw it back at the boys in her defence.

Next day we hurried to the funeral home to view her again before the mass. Carol's family and friends began to gather shortly after we arrived and the ceremonies began. I had cried a little the night before when I tried to sleep, thinking of my sisters now together. But most of the time I felt rather numb, unable to feel much. In the back of my mind I knew I was just there to experience the day that was now coming. I watched my sister's husband and children as they said their good-byes to their wife and mother. They were emotional, but relieved for her now. They helped each other with touches around their shoulders or hugs.

When we arrived at the church I began "realizing" Carol's need for the mass ceremony. When I had Pat's funeral I did not want a mass, so that caused Carol trouble and she wound up not coming to the wake or funeral because of her anger at my not giving Patty a mass. Now the ceremony began to have meaning as I watched carefully as the priest said his prayers and Carol's coffin was draped with a mass cover. My thoughts took off into Carol and my experience of ceremony when we were in the Catholic school years ago.

Carol spent her 4 years of High School at the Catholic school where I began Kindergarten and was schooled through 3rd grade; the years of her high school. I began remembering all the ceremony we experienced at that school and realized how much more of the ceremonies she had experienced too in grade school and later in College. Her whole education was in Catholic school. She was engrained in ceremony. Here she was in her very last ceremony of her existence, with all her loved ones surrounding her.

Throughout the mass my thoughts continued in this manner. My son told me to get up and take the host, but I would not. Later I explained to him that I was taught I could not have the host without first confessing my sins. His generation did not have this thought engrained as deeply in their soul as I had.

After Carol left HS I was put into a public school closer to home, as my mom was ill lots of the time with ailments. So my religious training was curbed to only Wednesday religious instruction classes. We still had ceremony, but not to the same extent. My future was not an active religious one. I had prayer, but I did not continue by training my children in the faith.

Now as I sat in this ceremony for my sister I was overwhelmed with these thoughts of Carol and her faith. After the mass we were invited to the church hall for coffee, juice and cake. Here I found the pictures layed out on a table again. I rushed over to the one picture that had grabbed my attention the night before and put on my reading glasses. Not noticed the night before, I saw Carol wearing her Catholic school uniform, the same uniform I also had worn all those years before. This detail seemed to stand out in my mind now as I had just been thinking of those years in the Catholic school. I began to realize I was receiving a message from my big sister. The thought overwhelmed me with a joyful feeling that she was telling me something.

I began looking at other things on the table, and found her HS year book from the Catholic school. As I opened the pages of the book I saw the Principal who had been so important to me. I had been one of this woman's favorites in the school for the years I attended. Then as I went through the pages I recognized the Spanish priest who had been there. I had looked up to that man as he was such a nice person when I was a child. Then I saw Carol's picture and a few pages after the girl who had the name I chose as my Confirmation name. Her name was Margaret and as she was one of Carol's good friends all thos years ago, I had known her. I loved her name, so when I was to choose the saint's name for my Confirmation ceremony I went to the library where I found Margarets who had been saints.

Overwhelming feelings were taking me down memory lane. Then someone asked me if I had seen the picutre album on the table. So I walked over to it and there were all pictures Carol had of all of us as we grew up.... Many pictures I had seen and many I do not remember. So for the rest of the time at this place, I looked through that book.

I "knew" Carol was sending me messages that she was with Patty and all the other relatives now. I "knew" Carol was sending me a type of apology or message regarding her anger about not showing up at Patty's funeral day. I "knew" she understood me somehow now, after she had speculated such bad things about me in the years I cared for my mom and Patty. Carol was sending me peace now. Carol and Patty were giving me their love together with my parents.

Thankfully, my two brothers were not at the funeral this past weekend. They had just visited Carol the weekend before her death. They came in from the western states to say their good-byes to her. That weekend I had tried to go there too, but I had now known my brothers would be there. I was unable to go, so that worked out for the best. Before I travelled to the funeral I had asked my niece if they would be there, and she had told me of their visit and that they would not be there this weekend. Thank goodness they were not, as I would never had stayed after the first viewing if they had been.

Too many issues with the two brothers are still raw in my thoughts, so that would have interferred with what became a wonderful two days with my sister's ceremony.

After we went to eat at a favorite restaurant of Carol's and there I was very tired, with many thoughts of what had occurred. Of course, during all these thoughts I describe I saw my brother-in-law's sadness and the children's sadness and how they coped through all the ceremony. Carol's great grandson was there with his parents. His father was in his army uniform and Carol's granddaughter was holding her mother's hands from the next row behind during the mass. She had lost another son about 4 years ago as he only lived for a few days. That boy had been named for my father!

The rest of my day was rather numb. I was quiet as I ate the food there and then we travelled again home. But just before I got in my car my niece began telling me to call her if I needed to. I began telling her of course she should call me if she wanted to talk. She said "But you lost two sisters"!

I lost it then. Patty had now been brought to my attention and the years of Alzheimer Disease flooded into my memory again. Patty is still a raw thought for me. Her experience is still raw in my mind, but so hidden to my conscious mind these days. When the thought of my sweet sister going through so much throughout her lifetime, I melt into sorrow! I know she is with me too, but there is so much I wish I could have changed throughout our life together. I know in the end I stepped forward and gave her the love she deserved, the caring she deserved, but I wish I could wipe out the times I had been such a sister brat.

Realizing the issues of sibling rivalry is profound. As a large family we had many issues that at least got resolved in the end for us sisters. The brother issue is still not resolved and in my mind never will be as the hurt goes too deep. But I did think Carol's issues with me would never get resolved. And she is still resolving our issues after her passing it seems to me. I love my two sisters. I love my mother and father. And now they are together again in God's heaven.

Dear Kathy,

Glad to hear you were able to make it to your sisters service and that your Sons were able to go with you.

There is so much in your post. I can still hear the grief you are feeling. But I also heard touches of healing too.

Time, time, time.... give yourself the time you need.

I sometimes think that even after five year, wow, almost six years now, I have not grieved for my Father and Brother. From the day Dad passed, Mom has been by my side. Brothers passing was a shock and Mom never really accepted it. I took on the grief for both of us. I have a feeling when Mom passes, I will then be able to let it all go.... or at least start to let it go....

love and peace,
serendipity

Serendipity
Thanks so much for your comforting words. You are very kind and caring. I realize that time will heal some of the grief. Day to day I really don't feel the grief all the time, so don't worry. I do become depressed badly, so that concerns me, as it keeps me from functioning well enough. It's good to express these words, as I my thoughts begin to take me to the reality of the this moment as I write to you. Each of us needs to bring our thoughts to the present moment as we go through this grief period. The moment is the true reality, and I know if I can use my thought process toward each of my moments I can function better through the rough times.

The grief for your father and brother is probably somehow intertwined in the caring of your mom and how you feel about that somehow. Your grief is probably very present, but you are able to cope with it. I found that to be true with my brother's death. I still can't think his death through, and it may be because I am angry at him for smoking with Enphysema and his stubborness.

My brother was the oldest child in our family. His lifetime of memories in my mind are of contradictory love versus anger. I idolyzed him when I was a child as he was so good to me. When a teen though, I experienced his oddities, and because of those experiences I was traumatized as an adult when I remembered them. There were many years I would not speak to him because I could not deal with my disappointment in him. When my mom passed, I saw him and realized how ill he was then. I took him into my home to care for him. I found the anger was gone when my mom passed. The amazingness of that was profound to me at the time, and I was able to love him again. I wish I had known more then about dementia, as his behavior toward me during those months began to become intolerable though. There was more love than anger, but when he began negative behavior I was offended rather than understanding. I was not aware back in 2005 that such a thing as dementia could affect the moods. Because of that his daughter came to get him when I became angry at him and put him into a nursing home where he also hated it. I began realizing he would hate anywhere he went.

My brother had had many strokes from the time he was about 52 years old. In 2004 and 2005 he was living only after aneurysms had been operated on too. His body was old. At 69 years old he looked older than my mother did at 95. Using breathing machines because of enphysema, he was unable to stop smoking completely, which I could not fathom understanding.

He passed away one night as he tried to use his machine to breath. He died alone in his room, where his x-wife had taken him in two weeks before. His x-wife and his daughter were devastated. Their loss and grief was so evident and they suffered because they had expected to have him with them for a while, not 2 weeks.

I felt sorry he died, but have not been able to feel much or cry for him. I recognized in the past year that his behaviors had more to do with the reactions of the strokes, which were still happening when he lived with me. Today I have sorrow for not understanding in time, and now as I write this I feel bad I did not have him with me during the last months of his life. I know he realizes I care now. I know he is in my mind each day, and I am now beginning to grieve him too. I think I needed to wait though, as I was angry with him for hurting me. Not angry from the older hurts, but for the hurt I felt when he left my home because of doubting me and my intentions. I so hope that those beliefs he felt about me are healed now, and I can begin now to know that. I am finally crying for him today, at this very moment, for the first time.

So you see, grieving for your father and brother Serendipity is in your mind most likely, but not felt just yet for whatever reason. Maybe we need to lose both parents and our "security blanket" of our childhood before we can really extend ourselves to other griefs. I have found this to be my case as my big sister who just passed somehow was another of my "security blankets" as she cared for me as a child much as a mother would have each day she watched me going to and from school, or babysat me reluctantly. She was another of my caregivers as a child. My brother was not, Patty was not.