Ok I could use some advise… I lost Mom last May.. Still have all of her things sitting in my spare room.. Said in April before things went bad that I would go through on my last day of holiday and get rid of her dress clothes and things I knew she wouldn’t wear.. But I didn’t, things just moved to fast… I realize she’s been gone 5 months now .. For some reason I just cannot seem to let go of this stuff.. It’s mostly just her clothes --a lot of clothes… every one of them smells like her.. I decide today is the day and I go in that room (I can barely get in the room there is that much stuff.. ) And I smell her .. I look at those clothes and I can tell you where they were bought and where they were worn…..and I turn around and walk out. I have done this probably fifty times…. It was easy with her household things.. collectibles etc . She left a very exact list she had made up years ago of give this to this person and this to that person and I actually enjoyed giving stuff to the people she wanted to have it …but the stuff in the room is mostly her personal stuff .. Her vanity sits with all the things she kept on it in place .. I have family coming for Thanksgivings and could really use her room …..My daughter offered to clear the room out but I don’t like anyone going in there.. Am I crazy or will this pass… how do you get rid of their stuff? Do I just leave it there?

Hi S--
Its so hard!!! We still have a storage unit, albeit a small one, of mom's stuff. There is little time to do this kind of thing and it is so unpleasant as it brings back so many memories. I lost my mom in February. We had an estate sale when we sold her house, but that was before she passed away. The things in the storage unit are things that she didnt want us to sell. Many nice things that belonged to her mother, like crystal and silver and such. My mom didnt leave a list of who she wanted to have it all. As far as your mom's clothes, what about donating them to a women's charity? It would be a great tribute to your mom and you would know that they went to a good cause. Keep the vanity with a few personal things in the room and a picture of your mom, no reason why you have to deplete the room of her presence altogether, but you could certainly make it usable for your guests too. Good luck,

Mari

Bless your heart. The brain knows that letting go of her things does not mean letting go of the memories. But the heart takes a bit longer to get there. If you had a friend in your situation, what would you say to him/her? Maybe you could start with just one box? Or half of the clothing? A little at a time? Saving a few special things and letting the rest go to those who are so much in need? You could always take pictures of things before you let them go. I'm a "rip the bandaid off" person who would have to do it in one or two marathon sessions, but there is nothing wrong with moving ahead slowly. You are not crazy. May wasn't that long ago. But once you take those first steps, the rest may follow a little more easily. Maybe you and your daughter could tackle this together? It would be a great opportunity for some "I remember when" conversation. Just don't wait until you think it's going to be easy to get started, because that is not likely to happen. But it is do-able. I love Mari's idea of keeping the vanity and a few special things. The room doesn't have to be a shrine, but some touches of her would be a comfort to you, no doubt! Just be kind to yourself while you are going through this.

Wishing you some peace and comfort.

It is so hard to do this. I had my older brother & sister-in-law help with her clothes which we donated to those less fortunate. I kept her favorite fake fur jacket , fluffy pjs & scarf. I am having them made into stuffed animals to give to my children. I donated her bedroom set but kept her chair that she so loved. I still have her clothes that she wore to hospice in a bag with her belongings that the funeral parlor gave me. I go & hug & smell them every now & then. Its all I have that I can still smell her so I will keep it for now. Keep what you want & dont rush the decision. It is not easy but a process we must go through.

SHardy, So sorry for your loss. It is so hard to do that last job for your mother but you will feel a little better if for no other reason than you have your guestroom available.
My mother is still alive in stage 6-7 and I have already given her clothes away as she had 3 closets full and I could not move me in..
I gave them to a church and the pastor's wife could wear a lot of them..She told my sister in law that she prayer for the lovely lady that could no longer wear all her pretty clothes and that made my heart feel very full and of course my eyes leaked...lol
Allow your daughter to help you to pack the things that do not need to be in the room for decoration (you want it to still be mom's room for a while) and as you do this packing you can share your memories with her and it can be a very theraputic time for you and your daughter will love the momories that you have of Your Own Mother. It will give her a memory of helping Her Mother that she can hold on to also.
Take heart and know that it is never a easy thing but sometimes we have to do what is necessary for our current situation. (you need the guest room)
((((BIG HUGS)))) and do what you can when you can.
Sheryl

Some things are just harder to do than others for some people. My mom had me go through some more of my dad's dresser drawers just this week - and he died in April. She had done most of the clothes, but there were some sections still to be done. I agree with keeping a few special things, but there are people who really need help right now, and maybe that will be enough to get you started on going through the clothes and donating to someone who can use them.

Try to focus on photo albums and memories instead of the clothes and furnishings. Maybe that will help to get through this major task. She will always be with you - getting rid of her "stuff" will not make her go away. Don't wait for a dreary, rainy day to do this, though. Pick a bright sunny one and turn on the radio and push on through. It is sad enough without adding to it. Good luck. You can do it!

If it makes you feel any better, I have a friend whose father died of AD. Her mother kept his shoes and sweater in the dining room just where he had left them for over 4 months. It drove my friend crazy, but her mother just wasn't ready to move things. Eventually, in her own time, she did, though.

OMGoodness!!!
SHardy, I can so relate...but you are being extra hard on yourself. I moved to San Diego late 2006, just as I needed to move my parents to a higher care place. After moving them several times where they could have less & less stuff, and closing 2 storage units...I STILL have boxes, and stuff everywhere in my house!
My goal is to have ONLY things I love and or need by the New Year! (Mom passed last November, Dad just passed October 2.) I understand that my parents never actually 'lived' in my house, I'm sure that is different for you! Smells etc.

But during this journey I have learned a few secrets to re-leasing all kinds of things (the whole family is clutters & horders).

Allow yourself to 'keep' as much as you want at the time, you can always let it go later...but instead of going in with the thought of letting go of things...give yourself a number (10-25-50?)of items you CAN KEEP. Then 'cherry pick' the ones you know you want to keep! This way you are 'giving' yourself things instead of taking away!

After this: Take about 10 containers (the HGTV channel organizers say 3; keep, sell, trash, but I needed to sort further!)

Mine are:
Keep: one box for each room where the items will end up; bedroom (clothes), office, dining room, kitchen, craft supplies and one for items I'm keeping for 'work' as an Activity Director. Then I can sort itens into their 'living space' one room at a time later.

Sell/Give away: One box for each 'charity'; their facility (clothes, blankets etc.), church rummage sale, neighbors & friends that I know could/would use an item, one for garage sale, one for Ebay or Craigslist.* One box for each sibling and other family members: I have 10!

*I found that garage sales take alot of energy for little reward, so I found 'helpers'. One lady that will take everything she thinks will sell on Ebay/Craigslist- she cleans it, photos, advertises, ships etc. all for 30% of the selling price. I made alot of money this way and NO stress Some clothes and many accessories are good for this venue.

The second lady I found came and took ALL the stuff left over after 6 garage sales. Now I just put things in a box and call her once a month (she takes these items to the swapmeet and supports her family that way) so I'm happy to give and not have the hassle of garage sales, and waiting to save up enough stuff for a garage sale.

I've found that the more I let go of...the weight is lifting. (I'm even clearing my stuff out.)

Since I recycle; I even had 3 boxes for 'trash'; general, recycle plain and recycle hazardous!

Two other points I found out about myself. Having a 'helper' is GOOD, sharing memories is cathartic (sp?), and a helper keeps me focused. My biggest problem alone is 'wandering', I would go place something and not make it back to the pile, box, whatever until two days later. A little ADAD? If I can stay in one spot...and the other person places the items in the sorting boxes, I get much more done.

And most important...the over whelming feeling of opening the door and seeing ALL of it! "You can't eat an elephant in one bite; but you CAN eat it all, one bite at a time" This became my motto! I just make a goal to do 1 box a day! Set a timer for a limited length of time. And DO IT! Some days, 1 box is all I can handle. Some days, once I start, it's easier to just keep going.

General rules for keeping things, especially clothes
1. Does it fit NOW?
2. Do I feel/look fabulous wearing it?
3. Is it ready to wear? If it needs repair, fix it NOW, or release it NOW!
4. If it's a keepsake (Letterman sweater, prom dress etc.) Store or display it properly, but NOT in your clothes closet.

Another good way to pare a closet (mostly for your own clothes, but I'm putting it here because it worked so easy for me!) Hang ALL your clothes on hangers 'backwards', if/when you wear it, put it back into the closet with the hanger the 'correct' direction. After 6 months/a year, everything that is not hanging the correct way, you won't miss, because you haven't worn it in a year!

I hope some of these ideas might help you! Also, I checked the caregivers board most mornings to get my smile/joke for the day...so I start out in a good mood...a sunny day & music are great ideas too!

Another idea my counselor gave me for 'depression' was to rate each activity that I am doing 1-10, 10 best! So if I'm hiding by playing computer games, am I really having 'fun'? And if I'm sorting things am I really not having 'fun'? I discovered that playing games is about 1-2, avoidance. While sorting is actually 6-8, because I feel accomplished, I have good memories and I'm clearing the space for things I'd rather do...in my case crafts!

And above all...{{{{HUG}}}} yourself, you are doing it in the way that eases your grief. Each person knows what works best for them. Grief never goes away, we will miss them always...it just gets to where we remember the good times with smiles more than the bad times with ALZ.

Take go*d care, Shaye

Whew, so glad to be reading this post!!! Mom and I were both hoarders and keepers, so my teeny house is plugged up to the rafters with our stuff. Mom passed away in August.

I have procrastinated beautifully, doing all kinds of fun things, instead of tackling the cleaning out. Finally, like Shaye's counselor said, the fun wasn't half the fun it should have been. I finally started with the seasonal - tackled the fall and winter clothes and took them to our local Hospice retail shop. It felt cleansing to start - those first steps. There's still lots to do, but it feels better to have started.

The space left behind now inspires me to keep going. I love the idea of selecting special fabrics to use for making stuffed animals for the great-grandchildren. Maybe I'll just have to make a pillow for me out of the fabric of the 3 identical blouses we kept having to buy at Kohl's (Mom REALLY loved that blouse, but she just couldn't remember that she had already bought it TWICE.) And if I keep up THIS kind of thinking, I'll never see the walls again.

Come on, SHardy, like everyone's telling us, we can do this!! Deb

Check out www.flylady.com

Baby steps...it's working for me...got rid of 3 pieces of furniture today and a truckload of usable stuff to the 'swap meet' lady!

Next week is recycling the boxes & boxes of magazines and things cut from magazines,(recipes, craft ideas, etc. etc...that will never be looked at even if I keep them) after that my storage unit might have room to actually 'work' with my crafts in it!

Tomorrow is the Alzheimer's Walk in San Diego...I'll be there!!!

Take go*d care, Shaye

Thanks for all your responses.. I went in the room today, I did the usual turn to walk out but this time I stopped , I wish I was saying that I took it to heart and got in the room and it’s all cleaned out.. but the truth is it’s the first time I’ve opened the door since I first wrote this.. I’ve done everything else.. I’ve cleaned my kitchen cupboards and polished up my TV Room ..shampooed my carpets… and all the while that room has nagged me….I think what Memaw2287 said is right.. I know it in my brain …it’s just stuff.. .. why in the world would I want to keep clothes that would fit no one I know ? …boxes of stuff that I don‘t need or want? .It’s got to be because it’s all I have left of her.. it’s my last thing to do then it’s done … it’s totally over.. Maybe I’m just not ready.. Anyone else done this? It’s not the size of the task it’s something else…
Anyhow this morning I actually opened a box, I removed a wire plate hanger, clutched it to my chest and left the room… I brought it down and placed it in the donate box..
It’s been five months ,eighteen days, seventeen hours and forty-eight minutes since she passed and I finally think it will be OK… it just really sucks that it always turns out the same.. No matter how good of job you do in care giving the end result is they always die….

quote:

Anyhow this morning I actually opened a box, I removed a wire plate hanger, clutched it to my chest and left the room… I brought it down and placed it in the donate box..

SHardy,
CONGRATULATIONS!!! You started, that's a BIG step!

Another idea- the hospice team where my father was have volunteers who create "Memory Bears" from an article of the person's clothing. They say that the first thing the receivers do is 'smell' them for a memory of their LO. You might want to do this, or make a patchwork quilt, something that you can use/display as a reminder of your mother's love.

Take go*d care, Shaye

When I find myself cleaning my bathroom (toilets especially- when they don't need it as I have a weekly housekeeper)then I KNOW that I am avoiding something!


Take go*d care, Shaye

...off to clean toilets...I should be finishing packing mom's things to send to my sibs!

Ha, ha, ha. I'm on the forum and not in the basement!!

Maybe admitting these words online will shame me down the stairs to work on packing a little bit more. Or maybe I'll clean like Shaye and tackle the toilets......

Ah, we do what we can. Some Saturdays I pack 3-5 boxes, some not so much.

SHardy, be gentle on yourself - it will happen as you find strength. Take your steps when you can. You've taken the hardest one, the first.

Deb