This is my first post on this page, so please bear with me for a minute or two while I vent a little. My sisters and I are caring for our Mom who is at stage 4, @ 59. We have been responsible for her care when our Dad passed away a little over three years ago,after a three year battle with cancer. Before he passed he gave us very specific instructions as to how we were to deal with Mom's care after he was gone. (Before he died her diagnosis with EOAD had already been established) He had seen the stress that care for a loved one had put on other people that he knew. He did not want us to face the undue strain on both the care givers, and the one being cared for. He gave us specific instructions to "get her the help that she needs", which was outlined to us (both by Dad and by Mom's neurologist) as to being an assisted care facility. Money has not been an issue, as he set up his retirement so that Mom would "want for nothing", and she doesn't. We were able to get her moved to a wonderful place, close to all of us. One of us makes it a point to see her every day. We have commented to each other many times, that we couldn't give Mom the quality of care, level of interaction or diversity of activities that she gets where she is living. My Mom's sisters (primarily) and mother (being led) have shown us nothing but hostility and have basically disowned us. We all live near the town where we (and our parents) grew up. We have heard many stories/untruths as to how we have "just abandoned" and "mistreated" our Mom. My uncle has gone as far at to tell me that I "need to become a man", that my promise I made to my Dad, as to my Mother's care, "ran out when he died". I have been told that dealing with AD can either bring out the best or worst in people. Is it just the later that we are dealing with? Has anyone else had to deal with family that has behaved this way?

Put a stop to their interferring,if they don't like it tough!Your Mom has good care & they make it hard on her........

hi brian..welcome. I am sorry for the reason you are here, but you have certainly come to the right place. There are very few of us that DON'T have trouble with at least one family member. I have one brother who has his head in the sand and one that is sure i am doing everything wrong, but wouldn't help if HIS life depended on it! You are right to abide by your father's wishes. You must do what is best for your mother and only you can decide what that is. If you know in your heart that she is getting the best care possible (and it sure sounds that way) then to hell with the others! You will have to stay strong as the desease gets worse, unfortunately..so don't even waste your time telling them to butt out..try to ignore them. Please come back often, you find all the love and support you could possibly need right here. peace

Hello Brian. This is the place to vent. Those of us that can read more than sentences will be "there" for you. Others, like me with AD, will read bits and pieces of your story as they can and forget it when done. There are plenty of the attentive people in the Caregivers forum. I would try to vent there as well, you will probably get more responces.

Dear Brian,
May I add my Welcome to the others? This is a great place to vent.
Unfortunately, Alzheimer's disease affects the entire family. Many people don't understand that. You are very lucky your Dad provided for your Mom and that she is in a good, safe place. I'm glad one of you sees her daily as this is very important. Is your Mom complaining of feeling abandoned? If not, blow off the rest. Your main concern is your Mom.
As Tom said, the "Caregiver's site" might be a better place for you to receive lots of additional support. It is a much busier site. Please, try to post there too.

You're doing a great job! Hang in there.

Please, come here often and let us know how you are doing!

Again, Welcome to OUR family!

Brian, I can't find anything in your note about how your mother is taking her placement? I think her satisfaction with her circumstances would be the last word on the subject.

If she's having problems with leaving home for assisted living, let us hear that, too. Some of us have, uh, unique insights into AD.

Alan, Thanks for reminding me to mention how Mom has adjusted to the assisted living.

I believe that is was within the first month that she was there, she commented to one of my sisters that she "didn't have to worry about anything anymore". We all saw a dramatic decrease in the amount of confusion and agitation that she was having when compared to the level she had while still at home. Mom being very social, made several friends right away. Now that she has had to move to the Memory Wing, she even gets to room with one of her good friends. The only time (other than the past month when she has started "sunsetting") that she is upset about living where she is, can be traced to when her sisters or mother visit.

They seem to enjoy getting her stirred up and leaving either my sisters or myself to deal with the aftermath.

Thank you all for you encouraging words.
Brian

Brian,

I have EOAD, I was 57 when I was told, I am now 58. I have told both my husband and my daughter when I get to the point where I can no longer do for myself, I want them to put me in a home. My feelings on this is because I love them and want them to do this and not feel guility. I think it is great one of you go see your mother every day. Don't let anyone make you feel guility, your dad was a smart man and told you this for a reason. I would tell everyone in the family to go fly a kite.

Sharon

Brian, I'm so glad to read that your mom's personal style fits so well with her placement! And I'm sure that those who get her all worked up see themselves as the good guys, in spite of their actions being so, well, evil.

Keep doing what's right for your mom, Brian. It's all about her, and you're doing a great job!

Brian,
As I said and Alan too, as long as your Mom is ok tell the rest of them to go fly a Kite!

Good Job. Please, keep us posted.

Hi Brian

You didn't mention if perhaps both of your parents made this decision. But, personally you have given her dignity. Your aunts need to read the book, "The 36-hour day". It will be very enlightening regarding what a caretaker goes thru. Have them pass this book around to each family member. Only then, will they understand.

Your mother and father made these decisions before they died. They did this for you and your siblings. If the aunts can't deal with this, have the management where your mother stays put them on a timed visit. This way they won't be there long enough to "upset" you, your siblings or your mother.

I'm 49, diagnosed with EOAD 8/08. I have already stated these same conditions in my will. I want love and dignity. nothing more.

I think you do too....

Stand strong for your siblings and your mom, they all need you for your insight
M