My mother has had alzheimers since 2002. We go to her regular doctor every 90 days, and we go to her neurologist once a year, but it really frustrates me because they'll ask me questions in front of my mom, and I really can't answer them truthfully. It is also very hard to talk to them one-on-one because they're so busy.

How do you go about assessing someone on being able to stay at home by yourself all day while her husband is at work? How do you finally stop them from driving without any incidents? How do you know when they're ready for a nursing home, or an assisted living, or someone to stay with them during the day, or go to adult daycares?

I thought about calling or faxing my question to the doctors, or call the Alzheimers hotline. I just need some answers so I can move forward. My mom gets so defensive and sometimes she can get downright mean. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you very much.

Dear AnnieMarie,

You should call the AD Helpline @ 800-272-3900. There is professional help there 24/7.

Perhaps you need to make an appointment with your Mom's doctor to discuss all these issues. I know it is difficult to discuss certain issues in front of your Mom but doctors often need to speak with a caregiver along with the patient to really see how the patient is doing.

I understand your frustration. My Mom gets very
mean and defensive too. It's very difficult being a caregiver sometimes.

Please, hang in there. Take some slow, deep breaths. Take care of yourself.

Please, keep us posted.

Getting a note to the doctor by any reasonable means is a great idea, Lisa.

Special Plea: Keep it short and simple!! Doctors don't have time to read long letters, they really don't. Doctors don't have time during an appointment to address 17 issues. The visit needs maybe 2 or 3 key symptoms to discuss.

A great doctor visit starts with realistic expectations. This comes from someone who used to try the long stuff, and everyone was frustrated.

Our hearts go out to you. many of s have been through this phase with our ADLO's. It sounds like you may need to ask your dad to help you get a durable medical power of attorney. You may need it to be her advocate at the doctor's. Also, call the DMV and ask them about the driving issues. Some states have programs that assess dementia.

Her doctor probably has a medical assistant/nurse that you can contact to establish confidential communications about your mom.

Have you been taking notes at her appointments? It is a great way to allow you to address issues later.

The faxing questions may work. Ask the doctor's nurse. Ask her about driving. The doctor can tell her it is time for her to stop driving. Many states require doctors to make this call.

As Lisa said, contact the AD hotline and find a support group for caregivers. Take your dad. He needs to understand what to expect.

Remember that "getting mean" is just a part of the disease. Try not to take it personally and do not hold it against your mom.

Ask her doctor about her anxiety and anger issues. Meds may be necessary.

By sending the notes to the doctor, he can bring up issues that your mom will react to so she does not react against you.

Does she trust the doctor?

Thank you all for the advice. I am going to call the neurologist's nurse to see if I can visit with her or him on a one-on-one, or can I fax my questions, and will keep it short. They are the specialists for this disease, so they should help me, or refer me to someone who can.

She is currently taking Sertraline for her depression, but I really don't know if any pill can help her moods when this is part of the disease.

As far as my Dad helping me get a Medical Durable Power of Attorney, he is just as confused as I am, and sometimes in denial about all of this. His mind is preoccupied since a recent fire that destroyed a 72 year old family business. He has rebuilt, but has cost him a tremendous amount of money, etc..... Needless to say, I am beside myself. I don't know, but maybe I am in denial too.

AnnieMarie,

How are you??

Are you OK?

Please, let us know.

Thinking of you.