Oh no! That sounds like I was telling you to read the first page first. What I tried to say was that's how I found this thread. Iread the first page first.

MChristy,

I "read" your post as "read" (red) both past tense! And I'm glad you reminded me of the full name of our little group!

Occassionally, I've offended some here, not intentionally. On a different thread we were talking about 'urns' and such. I apologized that I didn't mean my comments as the reader took them...all okay!

Besides, especially on this thread we did warn people! We're WACCO's!!!

Take go*d care, Shaye

Welcome Aboard All WACCOS!!

I am not the 'I' in this little ditty - could be - maybe - George!?!

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat naked and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 12th, 14th, 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th. Also October 1st, 4th, twice on the 7th, 14th, 15th, three times last Saturday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale $6.99 each

Eileen, Eileen, Eileen, you assure us you are not the "I" in your little ditty. That does not mean you are not involved! I suspect you are one of the girls in the little ditty. I see right through your attempts to distance yourself from the scam. As Shakespeare wrote in Hamlet, Act III, scene 2, "The lady doth protest too much, methink!"

*****************************************

While standing at a urinal, a man notices he's being watched by a midget.
Although the little guy is staring at him quite intently, the man doesn't feel uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.
"Wow," the midget comments. "those have to be the nicest privates I've ever seen!"
Flattered, and somewhat startled, the man thanks him and begins to move away.
"Listen," says the midget, "this may sound like a strange request, but would you mind if I touched them?"
Again, the man is a little startled, but seeing no real harm, he obliges.
The midget reaches out, gets a good, tight grip on the man's you know what says, "OK, buddy, hand over your money, or I'll jump!"

:0
Don't under estimate the little guy!

Okay how do you make the :0 face???

Hay George - Ok, you caught me or was it I - but only on the days with prime numbers.

"Oh Romeo Romeo where for art thou Romeo?"
What can I say, my Shakespeare's extremely limited.
But I do know my Ga-zin-tas!
2 Ga-zin-tas 4, 2 times
4 Ga-zin-tas 16 , 4 times
Another proud graduate of the Chicago Public School System

eileenv,

Gesundheit!

real life story

Mom-in-law comes home from Kmart with a new purse. Tells us all about on the phone-how wonderful it is with all the pockets etc. brings it over on Sunday along with her new pants from the same store...long story short..both belonged to other women...we caled them to return items and apologize...they never missed them?????how did they leave the store

Oh my gosh that's too funny. But how did you find out who the pants belonged to?? Am I missing something or having a dumb day (again)?

oops sorry the pants had money,Id, and pics in the pockets

Wouldn't you have loved to have been a mouse to see how that one occurred??? LOL

Two friends lived in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada.
They were sick of winter, so they went to a travel agent and booked a trip to Australia.
When the two friends got off the plane - still wearing their down jackets, wool hats and snow boots - they wandered into a pub and sat down.
The locals wondered about these strangers, so one of the Aussies walked over to the visitors and said, "G'day mate. Where're ya from?"
"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan," one of the Candians replied.
"Mmmm," mumbled the Aussie, returning to his table.
"So where're they from?" the other locals asked.
"Don't know," replied the Aussie. "They don't speak English."

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'

'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.

'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'

You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your Balance and fall over.

6. People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask,"
And you're not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or ."

And can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

And the NUMBER ONE reason Seniors should not go Trick Or Treating...
*
*
*
1. You keep having to run back home to pee.

Blonde Shirlee was barreling down the highway when she was stopped by the S.H.P.
In a huff,Shirl told the officers:"You guys have to get your act together! Yesterday,you took away my license,for speeding,and today,you ask me to show it to you?"

Blondes Shaye and Shirlee were star-gazing out in Oklahoma.Shaye asked:"Shirl,which do you think is closer...Florida or the Moon?" Shirlee replied:
"Hellooooooooo,can you see Florida?"

A city girl marries and goes to live on her new husband's ranch.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cattle, the rancher says to his bride, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"
She agrees.
So the rancher leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
She takes him down to the barn.
They walk along the rows of cows and when she sees the nail she tells him,"This is the one...right here."
Realizing she is a city girl, he asks her, "With all the cows in here, how do you know this is the cow to be bred?"
"That's simple," she explained. "I could tell by the nail over it's stall."
The man asks, "What's the nail for?"
Turning and walking away, the blonde replies, "DUHHHH, I guess it's to hang your pants on."

George!

A blonde pushed her Jaguar to the mechanic's garage."It just died! "she told him.After a while she went back and he had it running smoothly. "What's the story?" asked the blonde.
"Crap in the carburetor!" said the mechanic.
"How often?" asked the blonde.

While cruising in her Jaguar convertible, the lady runs out of fuel.
Two kind gentlemen offer to push her to a gas station.
They're huffing and puffing while pushing her car.
One of the men happens to look up and notices they've just pushed her past a gas station.
"Why didn't you steer in there?' he asks.
"Oh," the blonde replies, "that's not a full service gas station!"

The little boy and his family were having Sunday dinner at his grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When he recieved his plate, he started eating right away.
"Please wait until we've said our prayer," said his mother.
"I don't need to," the little boy responded.
"Of course you do," his mother insisted. "You know we always say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house," he explained. "But this is Grandma's house. She knows how to cook!"

What Is Butt Dust?

What, you ask, is 'Butt dust'? Read on and you'll discover the joy in it!
These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

BRITANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried when his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read : 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget...this particular Sunday sermon ...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust ...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

Make sure you spread the smiles ...

When I was working as a clerk in the fabric section of a department store, a pretty young Blonde approached me and said, "I really like this material and I want to purchase some for a new outfit. How much does it cost?"
I smugly answered, "Only one kiss per yard."
"That's fine," she replied. "I'll take six yards."
With a lump in my heart, and a big smile on my face, I quickly measured out the fabric, wrapped it, then teasingly held it out with my lips pursed.
The pretty young Blonde snatched the package from my hands, pointed to the little old man with her, and said with a grin, "Grandpa will pay the bill."

An elderly gentleman slowly shuffled into an Ice Cream Parlor and pulled himself gingerly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split with pineapple and cherries.
The kindly waitress asked, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis."

A married couple purchased a new fishing boat, but it seemed it was the husband who always piloted it. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake, he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack. You must start the engine, get the boat safely to shore and docked."
So she did.
Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him and said, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack. You must set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes."

quote:

An elderly gentleman slowly shuffled into an Ice Cream Parlor and pulled himself gingerly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split with pineapple and cherries.
The kindly waitress asked, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis."

Then the blonde waitress said "I'm sorry sir, we don't have any of that?"

Gross ... but interesting. Honey, guess what we're having for desert?!?


RECIPE: KITTY LITTER CAKE

INGREDIENTS:
1 pkg. Spice or German Chocolate cake mix
1 pkg. White cake mix
1 pkg. white sandwich cookies
1 pkg. white vanilla pudding mix
1 pkg. small Tootsie Rolls
3 drops green food coloring
1 new kitty litter box
1 plastic kitty litter lining
1 new pooper scooper (optional but recommended)

DIRECTIONS:
Bake the cake mixes according to the directions. Prepare
the pudding mix and put in the fridge to chill. Use a
blender or food processor to crumble the sandwich cookies.
Do this in small batches and scrape often, because it will
stick to the sides. Set aside all but 1/4 cup. To the 1/4
cup add a few drops of green food coloring and mix. After
the cakes cool, crumble them into a large bowl. Add half
of the cookie crumbs and pudding. Gently mix and add to
the lined kitty litter box. Unwrap the Tootsie Rolls and
put in the microwave to soften them up. Reshape the ends
so they are more rounded and not square. Add about 10 of
these to the mixture. Sprinkle more of the cookie crumbs
over the top. Soften 3 or 4 more Tootsie Rolls and add
them to the top of the mixture. Sprinkle with remaining
cookie crumbs and serve with a clean pooper scooper!

Yield: 18-20 Servings

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

HALLOWEEN SWEET EYEBALLS

No bake and fun iedea for kids. Just go down to Dunkin'
Donuts or wherever, buy some donut holes, and pick up
some white chocolate on your way home.

INGREDIENTS
2 dozen plain donut holes
12 oz. white chocolate chips, melted
Blue and green food coloring
24 semi-sweet chocolate chips
Red gel decorator's frosting
Wooden skewers

DIRECTIONS:
Melt white chocolate in a double boiler or in the
microwave. Place one donut hole on a skewer and dip into
melted white chocolate, rolling to coat. Let excess
chocolate drip away. Place on waxed paper to set.
Repeat with remaining donut holes. Divide remaining
white chocolate into two batches. To one batch, add
green food coloring. To the other, add blue. Make a
small, round iris on one chocolate-covered donut hole.
Immediately add the chocolate chip "pupil" (you can also
use mini chips). Repeat with the rest of your "eyeballs,"
making half green eyes and half blue. Or simply make
them all one color. Paint on irritated red "veins" using
red gel decorator's frosting.

There is a new study by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their a**es. The just released results are pretty shocking:

1- Only 5% of the women surveyed feel their a** is too big. (This percentage will increase if they try the above recipes.)

2- Another 10% of the women surveyed feel their a** is too small

3- The remaining 85% of the women surveyed say they don't care. They love him; he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.

A man was walking home one foggy night, when behind him he hears:

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he sees the image of an upright casket banging it's way down the street toward him.

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER...

BUMP...

BUMP...

FASTER...

Bump...

BUMP...

BUMP...

He runs to his door, fumbles with his keys, unlocks the door, opens the door and rushes inside, slams and locks the door shut behind him!

However, the casket CRASHES through the door, with the lid of the casket coming loose.

CLAPPITY-BUMP...

CLAPPITY-BUMP...

CLAPPITY-BUMP...

The terrified man runs! He rushes upstairs to the bathroom and locks himself in. His heart is pounding, his head is reeling, his breath is coming in short sobbing gasps.
He is trapped!
There is no escape!

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
The casket comes BUMPING and CLANGING towards the man.
The man SCREAMS and reaches for something.... anything.... but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

And...

And...

And...

THE COFFIN STOPS!!!

It isn't the cough
That carries you off.
Its the coffin
They carry you off in.

Happy Halloween Folks!
Watch out - tonite is Devil's Night

What does Dracula hit a baseball with?
A vampire bat.

How does a jack o'lantern try to quit smoking?
He wears a pumpkin patch.

What do you call an Irish pumpkin?
Jack O'Lantern.

What do you call a hot dog and mug of beer?
Frankenstein.

What do you call a guy who picks his nose?
Boogieman.

What is a witch's favorite subject in school?
Spelling.

How do ghosts begin letters?
"Tomb it may concern..."

What haunts a house and clucks?
A poultrygheist.

Why couldn't Dracula's wife sleep?
Because of his coffin.

Why did Dracula need mouthwash?
He had bat breath.

What do you use to mend a broken pumpkin?
A pumpkin patch.

Who does a ghost date on Halloween?
His ghoulfriend.

Why wasn't the vampire working?
He was on his coffin break.

What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.

How do you know if a ghost is lying?
You can see right through him.


HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!

Three Catholic men, Smith, Jones and Secola, were friends through high school, college and seminary.
As they were given their assignments upon their completion of seminary, they agreed to meet every 10 years.
10 years went by and Father Smith, Father Jones and Father Secola gathered together and had a good time.
Another 10 years passed and Bishop Smith, Bishop Jones and Father Secola met again to renew their friendship.
10 more years went by and this time Cardinal Smith, Cardinal Jones and Father Secola reunited to reminisce.
After returning home, Father Secola questioned his bishop about his chances for advancement, especially in light of his friend's progress. He said, "Why, perhaps one of them will be Pope before I'm even advaned."
His Bishop thought a moment, then replied, "Pope Smith? Perhaps. Pope Jones? Possibly. But Pope Secola? Never!"

One of my Dad's favorite songs

Pepsi Cola hits the spot
Tweleve full ounces thats a lot
Twice as much for a nickle too
Pepsi Cola is the drink for you


Here's the one I remember ...

Pepsi Cola went to town
Coca Cola kniocked him down
Dr Pepper picked him up
and recommended Seven-Up

Hi all,
I just wanted to say thank you for this wonderful forum. I am not the caregiver, but the adult grandchild (38 and the first grandchild of my grampy, who has Alzheimer's). It's been probably 6 years since the initial diagnosis, and he's now in a Veteran's Home (a week or so, now). My boyfriend and I visited yesterday for the first time, and it was difficult.. however, we brought a greeting card that was sort of "naughty".... It had a cartoon of 2 women on the beach with sandal thongs, um, sticking out of their "rear ends". One woman says, "But you PROMISED no one would notice our new thongs".. the inside said, "Just a little card to "crack" you up.... Not sure if Grampy understood the words on the card, but certainly Laughed and laughed at the picture! The nurses said to us that this was the first time they've seen him laugh.... So, again, wanted to say thank you to this forum.. it has helped a great deal.

Eileen, ours was:

Pepsi Cola's a rotten drink,
Pour it down the kitchen sink,
Tastes like water,
Looks like ink,
Pepsi Cola's a rotten drink!

*********************************************

A flat-chested woman was delighted when her Fairy Godmother said her breassts would grow every time a man said, "Pardon" to her.
She walked down the sidewalk and accidently bumped into a man.
He said "Pardon me."
Her breasts instantly grew an inch. She was ecstatic.
The next day, she bumped into a man in a grocery store.
He said "Pardon me."
Her breasts instantly grew another inch. She was in seventh heaven.
The next day she walked into a Chinese restaurant and collided with a waiter, who bowed and said, "A thousand pardons."
The next day, the headline in the local newspaper was: "Chinese Waiter Crushed To Death!"

Thanks for the Yuks

The entire congregation came out to hear the new minister's first sermon.
It lasted eight minutes.
The next Sunday, the sermon was forty-five minutes.
His third Sunday, the sermon went on for two and a half hours.
The pulpit committee met with the preacher and asked, "What's going on here?"
The new preacher explained, "Well, you see, on my first Sunday, all of my teeth had just been pulled. My mouth was sore, so my sermon was short. The next week, I had my new dentures and I was feeling fine."
The committee spokseman said, "But your third sermon was two and a half hours long!"
"Oh, yes," the preacher replied as he went on and further explained, "the third week, I picked up my wife's dentures by mistake and I couldn't stop talking."

An elderly farmer and his wife were leaning against the top rail of their pig-pen.
She wistfully mentioned that the next week would mark their golden anniversary.
"Let's have a party," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."
Her husband scratched his grizzled head.
"Gee," he said, "I don't see why a pig has to take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

Two blondes went hunting and got a deer.
They were dragging it by the hooves back to the car.
Another hunter came by and advised them it was faster and easier if they dragged it by the antlers.
So they did.
After a while, one Blonde said to the other, "You know, this is faster and easier, but we're getting further from the car."

***********************************************

Shaye, Eileen, Shirl and others sometimes make comments about my "Blonde Jokes." Well, I did some research on the 'net, and I was quite suprised to learn there are only three "Blonde Jokes" in the entire world; the rest are True Stories.

True stories? I bet most of them were originally brunettes, it's the constant bleaching that kills the brain cells!! Some are blonde men too!
I'm not QTIPping! Ever read the Darwin Awards?

I'm a natural blonde & smart...my husband says it all the time! Shaye you are such a "Smarta**"!

Shaye

Me,too,Shaye! Real blondes have more fun!!!!!!

A highway patrolman pulled beside a speeding car to find the blonde driver knitting.
"Pull Over!!!" said the patolman.
"No,scarf!!!" replied Shirl.

What do you get when you cross a porcupine with a sheep?

A critter that can knit it's own sweaters.

Shaye mentioned there are blonde men, too. That is true, although this phenomenon is extremely rare with men.
In fact, it even extends into the animal world.
Why, I read just yesterday about a Blonde wolf that was captured in a leg trap. She chewed off three of her legs...and she was still caught!!!

A little girl from Minneapolis came home from Sunday school with a frown on her face.
She announced to her mother, "I'm not going back there anymore. I don't like the Bible they use!"
"Why not?" asked the mother.
"Because," said the little girl, "their Bible always mentions St Paul, and never once mentions Minneapolis."

Billy Bob and Bubba were out duck hunting, but weren't having any success.
"I don't git it, Bubba" complained Billy Bob. "Why ain't we gittin' us any of them thar ducks?"
"I dunno, Billy Bob," Bubba replied. "I reckon maybe we ain't throwin' the dog high enuf."

A few weeks ago I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured my picture had been taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though I was sure I hadn't been speeding. Just to be sure, I went around the block, passed the same spot, and sure enough the camera flashed again, even though I was driving more slowly this time.
I thought that was pretty funny. I drove even slower as I tried it again, but the traffic camera flashed once more. I tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time I did it I was laughing when the camera flashed as I rolled past at a snail's pace...yesterday I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt...

A guy was helping his girlfriend clean out the trunk of her car.
He found a box marked 'Emergency Repair Kit'.
When he took a closer look, he noticed there was a stick of dynamite inside.
Finding that strange, he asked, "What's this for?"
"It's part of my emergency repair kit," his girlfriend replied.
"I can see that, but why?" he asked.
"In case I need to blow up one of my tires," his Blonde girlfriend explained.

My Husband thought this was hilarious .. me ... not so much. :-)

DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
;
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and
continued -
'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

The little boy was getting a severe scolding from his mother for fighting with his best friend.
She told him, "I'm ashamed of you! Fighting with your best friend is a terrible thing to do!"
He argued back, "But Mom, he threw a rock at me, so I threw one back at him."
His mom scolded, "You should have come to me."
He grumbled, "What good would that have done? My aim's better than yours!"