Today was my Mom's 91st birthday and we were so happy to be able to celebrate with her. While we were at the ALF the head nurse came to us to tell us that Mom really needs to be in memory support. She said she wanders and really needs some more supportive help.

My sister and I agree, but how do we approach Mom? I'm so afraid that she's not going to accept this move.

Memory Support is a room with a twin bed, a wardrobe, a chiffarobe (sp) and a private bath. Yes, there is a door to their "apartment," but in the ALF she has a small apartment. Here she can't take her bedroom set or her desk. Just a few small items.

This is soooo very sad that you work your whole life and now you end it in a small dorm-like room

anyway -- the question is how do we tell Mom?

My Mother also just recently moved to a "smaller" apartment,,which she shares with her roomate Nancy,,who was also her roomate at the higher functioning ALF.

Don't fret,,ask the facility to move out the bed and dresser that are in your Mom's existing room that she's moving into,,and replace it with her own things. I see no problem with the facility complying with your wishes.

It may actually be better for her in her "new apartment",,,due to the fact that she should be receiving alot more attention and care where she is being transferred over to.

I hope that this transistion is as positive for your Mother,,as it was for mine.

I told my Mom a "tender fib" to make her move more acceptable. I told her that the facility was going to be "renovated" and she would have to move out til the work was done,,and it would be quite sometime before its completed.

Mom & Nancy were both very accepting of that logic! Best of luck to you and your Mom. Please keep us posted on things,,Peace

The "fib" is what I need to know. I think that might work.

The ALF probably won't allow her to have her own bed and dresser as the new room is quite small and all have the same bed -- a twin bed. The bedroom suite she now has is a queen with a nightstand etc.

I think I've probably spent the last hours crying more and more. I guess it's me that feels guilty. I just feel like a person works hard all their life to get a head and then they spend the last years of their life in a room the size of a dorm with someone helping them with their every need. My Mom knows she's losing it and that has to be sooo difficult -- to know you're losing your mind.

I understand how badly you feel about this,,so did I at first too. But honestly,,,check with the facility to see if your Mother can have "her bed set" or at least some of it,,in her new room. And also,,see if there's a larger room available that would accomodate her bedroom suite.

But "tender fibs" soothe the way when a transistion has to be made.

And yes,,its truly harder on us family members who the caregiver/advocate,,,because we do realize whats happening. So our goal is to make things as easy as possible for our LO's to adjust and accept.

Try not to be so "down",,,try to make this as upbeat in front of your Mother,,as you can.

Best of everything,,,keep us posted on how things progress. Peace

Really, you probably don't need to tell her anything. The biggest mistake I think we family members make in these situations is WAY over-explaining.

Because she won't understand or remember it anyway.

Therefore, choose something very simple, because it's more for your comfort than for hers.

She's probably going to be a bit (or a lot confused) no matter what you do. But she will get through it and they will help her.

"Mom, they have to do work in here, so for tonight you will stay in Room X."

She will probably be pleased but not astonished that her pix are on the walls of the new room and will not challenge you about why you have moved her pictures and clothes, etc. when it is "just for one night".

But if she did say anything, you would just say "To keep them safe."

When I moved my mom from one facility to another, all I said was "Mom, we're going to stay with some friends tonight."

She said OK.

Remember she will take a lot of her cues from how you're acting. If you act upbeat and happy like it's no biggie, she will too.

I think you're all right. My Mom can be very difficult at times, but keeping her things "safe" is a good thing.

I will definitely be upbeat. The ALF has said they will take her over to the Memory Support area the next few days to do activities and that might help with the transition.

Another problem is that my husband and I leave for the winter and I want this done before we leave if possible. My sister and I take care of my mom and my brother-in-law has major surgery on Monday for a malignant tumor on his colon so obviously she has a lot of stress and I don't want her to have this responsibility after we're out of town.

Please keep those prayers coming.

Grandma15, good luck to you and mother on this move. I bet it will be harder on you than her; sounds like the folks at the ALF are good with her. Positive thoughts on your BIL's surgery and treatment.

By the way, I have a LO in Indiana who is getting blue thinking about approaching winter. Do you mind saying where you go for the winter? Is it populated by other midwesterners? I am looking for options for my LO to get some relief from the northern Indiana cold, ice and snow. Thanks. Best, Beth in SC

Beth -- we're in northern Indiana too -- Schererville to be exact. We go all the way down to the tip of Texas for the winter. We stay in a mobile home park that is for seniors over 55. It's wonderful and there are loads of people from the midwest down there. We're in Pharr Texas next door to McAllen.

I think that you have been given good advice. Move whatever you can so that the new room is as similar as possible to the old. Minimize any discussion of the change, and when necessary tell her a comforting story. Before I moved my mom from sunrise (a very expensive and fancy alf) to a small 6 person home she had a two room private apartment in sunrise. She would stand in the living room and not know that she had a bedroom.
At a later stage they moved my mom from a private room in the alf to a larger double room because she needed a hospital bed-- I thought she would freak but she never complained about that at all.Just to say that some of the concerns are ours, not theirs.

quote:

I guess it's me that feels guilty. I just feel like a person works hard all their life to get a head and then they spend the last years of their life in a room the size of a dorm with someone helping them with their every need. My Mom knows she's losing it and that has to be sooo difficult -- to know you're losing your mind.

I know sometimes the grief just washes over you like a big wave, and all you can feel is the pain of what your mom has lost and is losing.

That said -- it will help her most if you can focus your thoughts on what she still has. Her world is getting smaller -- and it may be exactly the size she needs for her last time on earth. As you say, she has people helping her with her every need -- a blessing for sure. And at this stage of life, I'd be surprised if "getting ahead" were where it's at.

The fact that you're concerned about how she'll think about the move means you know she still has some capacities -- and those capacities are blessings too. I think we'd all go crazy with grief and frustration if we focus too much on the losses involved in memory loss and confusion. We have to look for what's left, and cherish it in the present moment.

I'm sorry if I'm jumping into positive ideas when you need to mourn. You do need plenty of time to be as sad as you are -- and friends here and in person to listen. And maybe if your mom cries about the move, crying with her will be good too.

Just be sure you give her a kind of loving, neutral space so she can feel however she feels about it without having to deal with your sadness. Does that make sense? If she can tell that you see the move as a sad, negative thing -- then she has to deal with your feelings on top of her own, and it may be harder for her to even know how she feels.

Thank you all for your words of encouragement. I know you're right and I will be upbeat as this new change presents itself. The ALF will begin taking her over to Memory Support for activities and as soon as a room is available she'll move into it.

My husband told me today that maybe what I should be thinking is that fortunately she's able to have the care she needs at this stage of her life and it's a beautiful facility with excellent care.

It's just so hard to see someone you love like this.

Make the change work. Mom doesn't have to stay in the room all the time. Get her out and about. Daily. That'll be her sleeping room. Her bedroom. She doesn't have to live in it all day. Presumably, they have all kinds of activities in the memory care unit. Activities meant to stimulate the mind. But you can add to 'em. Make sure you get mom outdoors. For fresh air. Daily, if possible. --Jim

Well, if there is a "wrong" way to do these things, I'm probably the master.

In mom's case I have tended to wait until an "event" triggered the need for a move. I moved her from independent to ALF when she was wandering the halls one night confused. Then I moved her from ALF to nursing after she fell and broke her cheekbone. In both cases, the retirement community suggested the move some months before I agreed. I have dragged my feet for three reasons: (1) my own denial that mom is as bad as she actually is, (2) she complains bitterly and persistently about the change, and (3) the move always seems to disorient her.

Anyhow, we do the best we can. She's at the point where she can hardly get any more disoriented, and the small dorm-style room doesn't actually bother her.