My father is 90 years old and lost his spouse 2 days. He keeps looking for her and everytime we tell him she is gone, it's like he heard it for the first time. It is unbearable to see him go through this pain each time. This happens several times a day. He was with her holding her hand when she passed, but he thinks he was not there and she died without seeing him. His condition seems to have taken a drastic turn for the worse since she died. I do not know if we are doing the right thing by telling him she is gone or what we should be doing. The funeral is not for a few days, but I do not know if it will help him to understand or just confuse him more. Has anyone had this experience?

This issue's been the topic of a lot of posts.

Rather than repeatedly saying they've died, most folks end up just telling them that the person is at the store and will be back soon.

And they often don't take them to the funeral or discuss the funeral with them at all.

Hello PSprinkle,
Welcome to the message board. I am so sorry for you and your dad and for what is happening right now.

While these situations are very common, I don't think there is a common way to handle them. It is dependent on the LO with AD and how best you think they are handling the actual loss. Sounds like your dad is very confused, but obviously knows about his loss. I would keep assuring him that everything is okay and he is safe and that his wife is okay and safe too. As far as the funeral is concerned, I would be prepared to take him and to stay home with him both, and then decide that day. If you think it would help him to be there, then go, if not, then stay home. But, I think it is important to tell him that his wife is safe and everything is okay.

Good luck, please keep coming back here, and again, welcome!

Mari

PSprinkle,

It is true that they forget what they knew just a few minutes before....or what they saw or heard happen just shortly beforehand. It is truly a kindness to stop telling him she has died when it puts him through anguish. It is probably best to tell him she is away, but you'll let him know as soon as you hear from her. My husband asked for his mother all the time....and I kept telling him she died years before. It did nothing but upset him...and I eventually started telling him her home was being refurbished, she was visiting a sister and we didn't have the phone number but would attempt to find it. Likewise, my Dad would ask for my Mom, forgetting he was just at her funeral and burial. Eventually we all would tell him she was no feeling well and was at home resting (he lives in a facility so it made that excuse easier).

My condolences to you and your family on this recent loss of your fathers spouse.

Dear PSprinkle: This is a difficult call to make and the topic comes up every now and then. I don't think there is any one specific response or plan. It is person specific for the level of function, overall condition both psychologically and physically and related to the person's ability to recall, etc.

I had just such a situation a few months ago. My mother had been in a NH for over a year before she passed away. Dad was very uncomfortable with being away from his little house, so he did not visit Mom while she was still alive except for about every four months or so. We honored that need for him. Though he knew she was away and in a NH, he never mentioned her. Somehow for him, she was still "there" despite "there" being the NH.

My mother passed away (FTD), and my step-father, (Alz's), was gently informed that she had died. Though he did not express any verbal upset, Dad took an abrupt and almost immediate sharp drop in function, cognition and behaviors.

Dad would forget for short periods of time that Mom had died, so we decided not to keep reminding him of that fact unless he asked specifically. The reason we did this, was that every time he was reminded, his demeanor changed dramatically and he became "ill" once again and was not sleeping at night.

He began to develop pain in his stomach, he developed pain in his legs, he had nausea and even a headache or two. Dr's. appointment found nothing going on physically, so we used a placebo for his "pain" which worked beautifully. (One Tic-Tac and a glass of water.) So we stuck to our plan of not mentioning the situation unless he brought it up as it furthered Dad's suffering anew each time.

Every once in awhile, Dad would self-remember what had happened. Even though Mom had been gone out of the house for over a year, he would say; "Sometimes I think Mary is in the next room in bed and then I remember, oh no; she has died." Then he'd complain of being ill. My heart broke for him and we used every supportive comfort measure we could both physically and psychologically.

The time for the service was fast approaching and we needed to discuss what to do about Dad. Once, when he had a lucid recall of Mom's death I asked him if he was feeling up to attending the memorial service as I wanted to feel his take on it. He immediately replied, "No, no, I'm not feeling well."

Initially, my step-brother was insisting Dad go for appearances sake and as a responsibility Dad had. Ouch. After discussion, and coming right down to the wire, step-brother capitulated and did not force the issue. Dad stayed home and that was Dad's comfort zone.

If we had forced Dad to go, we thought it would have been almost cruel. One, Dad was extremely unsettled when away from his home for any reason. Two, he was having "illness and pain" from psychological origins and this would only be exacerbated causing him to suffer. Third, Dad would NOT remember having been at the service within a day or so; so what was the point of putting him through that?

Dad stayed home. It was quite appropriate. Even though Dad does not recall Mom's death most of the time, somewhere in the nether regions of his brain, there was still angst occurring. We did take Dad to the Neurologist as his regular appointment was soon approaching. We explained the death and Dad's ongoing suffering. Neuro adjusted his Seroquel and we saw a positive response for Dad within a day.

It is now a bit over two months and Dad is doing fine. No more complaints of pain or illness. He does not remember Mom is gone and we do not broach the subject. If he did bring it up, we would speak simply and comfortingly and take his lead. So far, no necessity to do so.

You are a wonderful advocate for your father and you are very sensitive to your father's needs. He is fortunate to have you by his side as his advocate. Let us know how things go, we will be thinking of you.

I wish you well,
Johanna C.

I have not gone thru this..but I sat in total observation when Maria Shriver lost her mother and then their beloved Teddy and Sgt. Shriver was at both of those funerals...and he is AD.. and I looked at him and wondered to myself.."what is he thinking" and why did they even make him go thru this...but I understand different religions do their thing..but I only felt sorrow for him when I saw him ushered in..did he know anything..I dont' think so.. but so be it..

Oh,,I'm so sorry. Way way deep down your Dad knows something isn't "quite right",,,but rather than remind him of is wife's passing,,,just tell him that she's away visiting some other family member.

Since this seems to have thrown him into such a state,,well,,I would seriously consider having your Dad and you,,do a "private viewing" of his wife,,before the funeral home opens to any other friends and family of his wife.

Or even possibly not taking him for any viewing at all,,but only perhaps for the burial,,once the casket is "closed" .

I'm so sorry,,this is something that you will have to make the decision on taking your Dad,,or not. I wish you strength,,and am sending you alot of prayers your way. Please do keep us posted . Peace & Blessings

PSprinkle,

I'm so sorry for what you are going through but I am glad you found our forum. This is a warm and caring group of people.

You have already gotten a lot of good suggestions. I would echo the thought that you know your father best. You must consider each of the options that have been suggested, and there may be more, and then decide what will be in your father's best interest.

Another thought to keep in mind...you mentioned how your dad took a turn for the worse after his spouse passed even though he doesn't remember her passing. Many experts in the field believe that our loved ones with dementia retain the emotion and effects of a traumatic event even when they can't remember the event. So anything that will upset them is not in their best interest if it can be avoided.

Best wishes in your decision-making.

this is a very personal choice..to keep telling him or not...I would not..its bad enough to hear that horrible news one time much less over and over feel the pain...my dad forgets his mother and brother have long gone on..wheh he says " I haven't seen mom in a long time" I just reply I haven't either but I am sure she if fine and then I rapidly redirect..i dont' want to him to feel the pain of her loss over and over...he doesn't remember and he tells me he didnt' even go to the funeral..i tell him he took great care of her and she is okay, not to worry...

Its a very tough issue...god bless you as you struggle to find the right solution for yourself.

kim