Hi Everyone
My mother moved into the dementia care unit of an assisted living facility 3 days ago. She was on the waiting list for several months before an opening came up--4 days before Christmas. I took it but waited until after the holiday to tell her the specifics because I knew she'd be agitated over the prospect.

Moving day was very difficult, and she is extremely angry at me. She did not want to leave her home, but I was burnt out--having lived with her for the past 2 years--and I knew it was time.

The nurse at the AL suggested that my sister and I NOT visit for at least a week. I don't want my mother to think that I've just dumped her there. I have telephoned the unit and talked to her, and she is still very, very angry with me. It's upsetting to both of us, but I'm feeling guilty for not having gone to see her yet.

The staff tell me that she is doing well--still refusing group activities, but eating and socializing with the others on her unit. I'm in such a state--can anyone share his/her experiences with me about visiting someone during the adjustment period?

Thanks so much,

Deb
My caregiving blog: http://yellowwallpaper.net/

Deb
I too just placed my Mom and was told the same thing, not to visit for about a week. I called her today, she has been there since Fri, she told me she wanted to come home and that she was fine and there was nothing wrong with her. When I spoke to the nurse, she told me that Mom had been saying that since friday but that she was eating and was very cooperative. It amazes me how normal she can be when around strangers. Last Tuesday she didn't know who I was, thought I was my brother who lives 800 miles away and has seen her for over two years. Hang in there! I'm going to go visit on Wednesday.
Cory

I visited every day, from day one. But please know- it was the right thing for her. I can't give an opinion as to what you need to do. My little mama was so lost... every single day when I arrived she would look at me as if a miracle had happened and would say "How did you FIND me?" I would say "Mommy, I come every day, you didn't think you'd get rid of me this easily, did you?" She never knew where she was, she never thought to ask who put her there.

I think my Mom was further advanced. I can read pain in your words... I have no advice...just prayer for you.... for discernment and strength.

I haven't missed a single day with my dear Jeanne since I put her in a nursing home 37 months ago. And that's what I highly recommend --being there daily. I've helped Jeanne adjust. From the very beginning. I never wanted her to feel abandoned. Even for a single day. I've been a vital part of Jeanne's life for almost 40 years. And I just can't imagine giving Jeanne time to adjust on her own. She needs me more than ever. And in so many ways, I need Jeanne more than ever. Anyway, I don't buy this stuff that it's good for loved ones to stay away for a while to give mom or dad or a spouse time to adjust to their new environment on their own. --Jim

I can imagine how difficult this was for you ,,,but I'm sure that your Mother is fine,,and it will take time to adjust,,probably more for you to adjust than her! Before you know it,,she will really like it there with all the new folks,,and activities. Please dont' be so hard on yourself,,you have been wonderful.
Just check on things as often as possible,,such as what time she is getting her meds,,,her cleanliness,,meals,,that sort of thing..try to drop in at different times,,that way you can see for yourself if the facility is on their toes. Blessings to you and yours.

It is understandable how difficult this is for you.

I went with mother to the facility and ensured she was settled in and even though she was livid with me, I assured her I would be with her the next day and would not abandon her.

I did visit each day the first couple of weeks as I did not want her to feel abandoned. Then I felt comfortable with every two days as I was working a distance away.

Only you can tell what is appropriate with yur Mom. I also had them bring the phone to MOm in between times so I could speak with her.

It is also extremely important to show up physically and be seen and to have an ongoing dialogue with nursing so they keep you informed and develop an understanding that you are VERY involved in Mother's care. It makes a huge difference in their approach to the patient.

Best of wishes to you, I hope it goes as well as it can. Once it is all settled, life once again develops a rhythym. Mom was in facility for five months, when it came time to discharge, she initially refused to go. So, they do adapt, though that doesn't mean they won't still get irritated with us. It's part of the process.

I have not placed my Dad as yet but have been to the facility which he will eventually go to and they prefer you not take them "out" for a couple of weeks.

I will be visiting from day one. Each circumstance is different and only each individual can know what would work best for their LO but I believe Dad will do better if I am with him daily, from day one.

Marci

I also felt that visiting every day was the thing to do. So that Dad didn't feel abandoned. His home was 350 miles away from me, where he was living alone. So my whole reason for bringing him was to see him more often.

Nobody ever said when to visit. Nor did they say not to take him out. But each facility has there own standards and you can decide what's best for you and your LO.

This is a very good question...and one that I'd say "trust your gut".

The day we took MIL to Alz unit, she refused to get out of the car. After well over an hour of trying to coax her, her 3 sons had to physically push, pull, and put her in a wheelchair to get her in. Talk about angry. Talk about feeling betrayed...and abandoned.

We asked the same question "how long before we visit?" The nursing staff told us to "trust our gut" over when it was right for each one of us.

My husband and I went in the next day...for about an hour. She was angry...still hallucinating that we were chasing her with guns at night. But we were there. My BIL had a more difficult time. He couldn't bring himself to visit for almost a week.....it was too emotionally charged. But he needed to hear how she was doing. So our visits helped him adjust.

There is a learning curve to how the nursing home works. And the nurses...so many. It is good for us to sit and see how the nurses treat the residents. It is good for the nurses to see us there, that we care....there is a trust that needs to be built between us and the nurses....and that takes visits and time.

And each time we visit MIL, we can see her adjustment. She's been there 3 weeks.....and we can see the progression. She's no longer angry and hurt. She "fits" in with about 5 other ladies at her same stage. And we're getting to know them.

Trust your gut about visiting.

I can't begin to imagine how awful that day of admission was for kep and family. Talk about traumatizing!

The above advice is absolutely right. Trust your gut. Every single nurse or health care provider has his/her own opinion. Sometimes they are right on, other times, it is not always what we feel is right for our loved one, so always trust your instincts.

First time I visited Mom after her day of admission, my feet dragged across the floor all the way to her room. I felt so guilty, and was certain that I would face much fury when she saw me - I felt as though I were ten years old and in BIG trouble all over again. But, though she was unhappy, it wasn't nearly as bad as I imagined. I was also able to remember that I was indeed NOT ten, and that the admission was absolutely necessary at the time.

Amazing how soon she settled in and actually thrived in a very structured environment in which she did not feel she "had" to be involved in making schedules, and "decisions". She became ever so much calmer.

As stated earlier, when she was able to go home five months later, she initially did not want to go.

If you feel you need to be there to support Mom and to assess what is being done or not being done for her, then absolutely, go on ahead and visit. I think the issue of feeling abandoned and out of control frightened is a very real one.

quote:

Originally posted by kep:
There is a learning curve to how the nursing home works. And the nurses...so many. It is good for us to sit and see how the nurses treat the residents. It is good for the nurses to see us there, that we care....there is a trust that needs to be built between us and the nurses....and that takes visits and time.

Trust your gut about visiting.

Excellent statements, both of them. My feelings exactly on the staff, whether it be an AD assisted living facility, a nursing home, or even a hospital.

And so agree on the need to trust your gut on whether you visit right away or wait a bit...

Again wishing you well,
Marci

and just to add..in 3 weeks, we've seen that she is "not as able" as we thought she had been. And it seems she has already forgotten the trauma of that day.

You folks are GREAT. Thank you so much for helping me out.

I guess the moral of the story is that there is a huge adjustment period for both me and my mother--I've got to learn the ropes, too. I had been living with her for two years, and for the past few months have been with her nearly 24/7, since she could not be left alone AT ALL. To be brutally honest, I was relieved when the nurse suggested I stay away for a week--I've had so little time to myself for the past few years, trying to work full-time and take care of my mother--I was so burnt out. But it's nagging at me that because she had me around for so long my absence might be even more of a shock to her.

My mother is mid- to late-Stage 5. She still knows enough to remember the nursing homes of 40 years ago--a couple of times she's said to me: "You're not going to put me in a place like THAT." Many years ago, she and her family had to place my grandfather in a nursing home, where he died a week later, so I imagine that, despite her memory loss, this experience has settled somewhere in the back of her mind.

I'm so glad all of you are here! Thanks!

Deb
My caregiving blog: http://yellowwallpaper.net/

Dear Deb,

I hope that your mom adjusts and accepts her new home soon. Listen to your heart as far as visiting, you know your Mom best. I have often heard that it takes about 2 weeks for most people to adjust to their new home at ALF's. Hang in there and take one day at a time. It will all work out. Thank you for sharing your blog with us.

Peace and blessings to you and your Mom.

Marcie

I agree, trust your gut and get input on how your LO is doing from the staff. I went from day one to visit mom also and believe this was essential to her adjusting so well to the ALF. I knew mom needed that family reassurance and it helped her bond with others and get involved in activities without feeling the pressure to get things right.

Mom was also adament about not moving from her home and moving day was awful. She sobbed violently. Mom is still highly functioning and has adjusted to the daily routine of the facility and "owns" it now. It took about three weeks for her to stop saying "I want to go home" every other sentence. I can honestly say mom is happy now and has developed another "family".

The other thing I do is make sure mom knows that if it's time for lunch, I will wait for her to be done. They often tell me I can eat with her but I want her to live life there without me so I don't join her, I let her be with her friends. I also help others do crafts while there instead of helping mom so that she doesn't become dependent on me. She has lived there since May and it is truly her home now.

Hi All
I have been through this experience once and am getting ready to move my mom once more (and hopefully the last time)into a new facility and have been told both times to "dissapear" for two weeks.
I didn't take that advice the first time and won't do it again.
I agree that everyone is different but it is important for both the cargiver and their loved one to know that there is still a connection and they are not getting "dumped".
My only advice is to try not to go every day and don't go at the same time every time you visit. My mom still has some kind of instinctive sense of time and never misses a meal and can fall into a routine very easily. I just have to be careful that my visits do not become part of her daily routine.

I tell my family and friends that this is like taking your three year old to the babysitter and telling him that you're not going to return...it breaks your heart every time you have to go through this.
Good luck and God Bless you.

I sure don't know what the RIGHT thing to do is, but I do know what I would do.
I'd take her there and get her settled in, go out for say, half the day, and check in on her again before bedtime, maybe visit with her for dinner. I'd give her a few days in which I'm checking in frequently, as if it was conventient, very casual, rather than "Oh, Mom, how ARE you?" She'd be upset which would of course tear me up inside, but I'd be firmly reassuring. I'd taper the visits down, finally giving her a full day without me, but I'd call her that day.
I tihnk making her adjust to the new arrangment is important, but doing that by "abandoning" her for a week is kind of unecessarily toughlove for my Mom.
I know my Mom better than they do, but they know the general care of dementia patients better than I do, and I'd try to find a middle course that takes the best of both.

Hi, I'm new here too, we take my mother-in-law tommorrow am to the nursinghome and needless to say, I'm dreading it and hopeful at the same time. Mom has had ad for 6 yrs-She is moderate and cannot live alone anymore,I know it is time but it hurts too. carla

For the life of me I do not understand why staff at the NH tell the relative to stay away for a period of time on first admitting the patient. I followed their advice on admission of my husband and I later found that he thought we had abandoned him and was very distraught.

If you are going to admit your loved one, PLEASE VISIT FROM DAY ONE! they might be angry and it might be painful for a few days but do it anyway. Just put yourself in their place and think of how you would feel if you were abruptly put in a strange place and left for several days.

It is cruel I believe to not reassure them by your daily visit and help them to know you will be with them often.

You will find that the professionals don't always have the knowledge of how your loved one should be treated and that often you will be the arbiter of the correct approach. our loved ones are not capable of taking care of themselves any longer and we must be their advocate.

I later placed my husband in two other NH's and was there often to reassure him that he was not abandoned.

Carewife:

You are a good woman. A good human being. A good wife. If you have the impression that I like you, you are correct. --Jim

Jim, thank you for your compliments...I am in no way extraordinary, just a wife of an extraordinary man who would take care of me if I were the one who was incapacitated. During our long marriage, he encouraged me to get a college education so I could be self supporting with a profession in case he could no longer do so, he was witty, erudite, and a wonderful companion. he helped me to develop my self esteem, and opened up exciting horizons in our
lives that I would never have done on my own. I will fight for his integrity, and demand respect for him until he goes to God.

Hi, everyone. I'm new here. We place my m-i-l today..she has been home for 6 yrs and we couldnt do anymore. She did great and only asked nurse where her friend went, hope tomorrow is as good.

Hi Carla,

I hope tomorrow is good also!! It was a tuff choice you made, good for you.

Dear Carla: I am so pleased for you that all went so well. Hopefully, the increased socialization and set routines will make your loved one's days even brighter for her.

Glad to have you join us on the forum. Let us know how it all goes.

quote:

Originally posted by Johanna C:
Hopefully, the increased socialization and set routines will make your loved one's days even brighter for her.

I noticed this with my mom. She's definately more sharper being in the ALF than at home. The set routine is definately a plus and there is always someone around to talk to or watch tv with. The residents also all look after each other and help each other.

Hi Deb,

I am going to be the one that says - don't go...if she is really angry with you. We didn't take the advise to stay away, and my aunt (maiden aunt with no other relatives) was so angry at me - telling me that she hated my guts, that I was just out for her money - that she would be better off dead....but we kept going against the advise of the ALZ - after 2 weeks, we took it and waited another 2 weeks before we went to see her and what a difference. She was so glad to see us - and the visits are great now. They are so confused at first - that they need to learn to depend on the people that are there. As long as you keep showing up in the beginning, they believe that you will take them home. My aunt now has a friend - and her family is going through the same stages - they are stealing my money - they want my house - they want my car......as long as you know that you are doing it for their own good, just realize that it is that awful disease speaking and guiding their actions!

Good luck - you have to do what is best for you and your loved one!!!!

Kay