My father has hired a young woman to serve as a personal assistant to my mother. She is young and I believe genuinely cares for my mother. BUT she keeps sending up these red flags - driving my mother's car to pick up her child from day care, getting caught in small lies, smoking and drinking at the house. Generally taking liberties as if she is our younger sister rather than a hired professional. She has recently given up her apartment and is "storing" most of her things at my folks house.

When my sister and I talk about it we get so upset. When I tell my father he says that he can't take care of our mother and neither can my sister or I and that my mom is comfortable with her. And that he gave her permission to leave some things in the house until she finds a new place eventually.

The worst part is that she leaves her email open on the home computer and I can't help but look for clues. He is right that I can't be there all the time for my mother but why can't her care provider have her own life outside my parents home? Or maybe I should just stay out of it.

I think you are right to be concerned. This is a situation that could quickly turn into a problem for both your dad and your mom.

(By the way, it's fine to look at her email on your computer. She's your family's employee. Employers have the right to look at email that employees send using "company" equipment.)

Would your dad agree to another CG if you told him you would do the upfront screening, etc., so that he didn't get stuck?

And/or, he must have her SS# if he pays her directly. Get her social security number and have a background check done - credit check, criminal background, etc.

If you find nothing, that's mildly reassuring. If you find something more serious, it may help you get your dad's agreement to make a change.

Just a thought:
I would be concerned about her acccess to your parent's computer.....too many personal items stored there. And what is she doing, using it anyway?

I'm sorry to sound negative, but with identity theft so prevalent these days, this situation sounds like it could put your parents at risk. To me, it sounds like she is really "working" your dad.

A. She should be attending to your mom's needs while she is there.
B. She should not be using your parents' car for personal reasons. (Liability?)
C. She should not have any access to your folks' computer or personal records of any kind.
D. She should not be storing personal items at your parents' home, because this gives her a reason for access, outside her working hours.
E. You are right to be, and stay, involved. Your dad sounds like he may be charmed by this person, and letting his guard down.
F. Smoking and DRINKING? This is not the way a professional works. Is she licensed? Is she being paid under the table? And as Grassflower already stated, a routine background/criminal check is definitely in order.

It is not that hard to find a replacement.
There are many agencies and they screen their employees.
If you hire on your own without using an agency, you need for them to supply a current criminal background check. They do it through their local police dept.

I am my mother's 24/7 and do not have any other family. So two yrs back when I had to go into the hospital for four days, I hired a caregiver through an agency. But the night before she started, I moved all the liquor, money, checkbooks, statements and my mother's jewelry out of the house to a trusted friends.

Her job should be simple, take care of your mom.
Not drinking, using the house computer, driving to run errands.

Saying you are a caregiver and doing what she is doing, are two very different things.

quote:

Originally posted by mother and daughter:
driving my mother's car to pick up her child from day care, ... She has recently given up her apartment and is "storing" most of her things at my folks house.

Uhhhh .... where does the child live?

I am seeing red flags all over this situation -- DRINKING??????

I would be concerned also,,with any Paid caregiver,,,using my parents vehicle for her own personal use,,and what the hell is she doing drinking and smoking on the job????? Does that seem to be acceptable with your Dad?

Perhaps if you and your sister could "gently" speak to you father,,and tell him that there are some issues that aren't quite acceptable for hired paid help,,,and offer to take a day or two off of work to interview other caregivers that have "outstanding " references.

Where did your Dad find this young woman to caregive for your Mom? If she's from an angency,,I would certainly call the supervisor and let her/him know about whats going on and your objection to her most especially,,drinking on the job!!!

Is there any possibility that this "young woman" can be trying to be your Dad's best friend/mistress,,in order to obtain living in the home,,and using the car,,like it were all hers?

Make sure that your Dad isnt' "loaning" her any money either. Believe me,,lonliness is a terrible thing,,and I'm sure that your Dad misses your Mom,,as the way "she used to be".

Just watch out that this young caregiver isn't some streetwise gold digger who's out to gain all she can get from a lonely man whose wife is ill.

Best of luck,,please keep us posted. Peace

Thanks for all your input. Putting it down and reading your responses confirmed my position. Believe me, I have considered all the points raised. I think my dad is smart enough to see her coming and is just glad to have someone at the house with my mother for now.

We hired her from an ad my sister placed and liked her in the beginning. It is just becoming increasingly evident that she is not the professional we thought she was on first glance. (and the son lives part time with his father and is with her at the house sometimes, I know, I know...)

We have interviewed one woman for evenings and overnight stays and have contacted a couple others through a site called The Caring Space. We have stayed away from agencies to keep costs down and to create consistencies with just one caregiver at the house. I am starting to see the wisdom of using an agency but these are often not my decisions to make.

One more thing:
If you are hiring people who really are not qualified, ie properly trained, in caregiving, you are not getting what you are paying for.

And if she is being paid "under the table" and your dad is not filing a 1099 with the IRS for her services, and someone gets disgruntled and reports it, then both HE and SHE are in trouble.

I don't know at what point your mom is in this disease, but personally, I hope you find a legitimate caregiver who can help when needed, or take your mom to Senior Daycare so your dad can have respite during the day, at least.

With the high unemployment now, there are MANY excellent CNAs who work independently who are having difficulty finding work. No aide should ever be drinking while working...instant grounds for firing.

Local alz daycares or hospices or memory units or alz support groups may have names of aides who have worked well with clients. There may be churches in the Ugandan or Jamaican or Brazilian or other immigrant communities where the pastor would know women who caregive.

They should have CNA training and wonderful recommendations from people you can call.

I've found that if you pay the aides directly (not through an agency) that they are very loyal--since the agency only pays them half of the high hourly rate you'd need to pay.

I sure would be getting a new aide, too.

If you simply can't talk your father into doing that, bare minimum (in addition to the background check, which should be done asap!), any and all valuables should be locked up, and a password put on the computer. And keep a close eye on any prescription meds, and count them to make sure a few don't go missing here and there.

I'd be looking into getting one of those nanny-cam systems, too.

This is not going to end well...

JAB is right !! We had hired a young girl to live at my dads with her young child and we paid her well. Things were OK for the first month then some things were missing. Small things. Then 50$ from my moms purse. She always needed gas money.
We had later found out that she was smoking pot and using Vicodin. She was going to some outpatient rehab that we did not know of.She was still using and we found piss in the fridge given to her from someone who is clean.
One night I went over after I left and found her GONE for the night.
We gave her plenty of chances and tried to talk to her as friends and family.

I fired her ass and it felt GOOD. Thats when I moved in and took care of my dad 24/7 for his last 8 months..

quote:

Originally posted by mother and daughter:
My father has hired a young woman to serve as a personal assistant to my mother. She is young and I believe genuinely cares for my mother. BUT she keeps sending up these red flags - driving my mother's car to pick up her child from day care, getting caught in small lies, smoking and drinking at the house. Generally taking liberties as if she is our younger sister rather than a hired professional. She has recently given up her apartment and is "storing" most of her things at my folks house.

When my sister and I talk about it we get so upset. When I tell my father he says that he can't take care of our mother and neither can my sister or I and that my mom is comfortable with her. And that he gave her permission to leave some things in the house until she finds a new place eventually.

The worst part is that she leaves her email open on the home computer and I can't help but look for clues. He is right that I can't be there all the time for my mother but why can't her care provider have her own life outside my parents home? Or maybe I should just stay out of it.

WOW...you have a right to be concerned. I am a paid caregiver and I would never think of taking the liberties she is taking.....NEVER!!!! Do you have a signed agreement with her?? That may solve the problem. Think about it...listing all of the things she is expected to do and NOT TO DO. She may solve the problem for you and leave...which means she cannot be trusted

I would find a way to kick this caregiver to the curb and FAST. She's being trusted with your Mom's safety and well being and she can't do that when she's drinking alcohol.

...and also you get what you pay for.

Go through an agency that has been around and that bonds and does criminal background checks. Pay $25-27 phr. until you find a caregiver that is reliable. And then ask them if they would work directly with you.

I never signed any agreement with any of the agencies that I used. So when they charged me $25 phr, they were only paying the caregiver $8 phr with NO benefits. Sooooo, you can afford to pay the caregiver anything more then what the agency is paying and they will work for you in a heartbeat.

Update...Went to the house today to plant some flowers and shrubs I had picked up for the gardens at my folks house. The CG's car was there so I assumed they were inside. When I parked the car my mother came outside and began chatting with me while I pulled out the plants and began arranging them. Spent about 30 minutes with her then went into the garage to get some tools.

That is when our errant caregiver drove up in my mom's car with her son. I was so angry that all I could do was walk in the garage to collect my thoughts. She had her excuse on the ready and may or may not have been telling the truth. I doubted it and told her so. As calmly as possible I told her that we were struggling to trust her and that she was making bad decisions in regards to what is best for my mother. That is was beginning to appear as if she was taking advantage of our family's situation. Most importantly I said out of my mother's earshot so she would not be upset and try to get involved.

At first she took it and apologized. Then she kept coming back out to continue arguing with me about the red flags I had pointed out - drinking at the house (If you dad offers me a glass of wine should I say no? answer: yes, you are the professional. If I am staying overnight can I have a drink after she goes to bed? Answer: no, what if something happens? Just because my family sets a bad example does not mean that you should follow suit. We are dealing. This is your JOB!) And it eventually ended in "well I work for your dad and I will talk to him about it to be clear". Then she said they needed laundry soap and jumped in her car, leaving my mother and her son while I planted hydrangeas (beautiful by the way). Left her email open. Of course she had already sent a message to my dad that they needed to talk.

And she is right - she does work for him and he is well aware of my opinions. It was as if she expected him to somehow take her side. I didn't even bother to call him. I reminded her that my sister and I are in this for the long haul and that although we do not pay her wage (which is 1099'ed and a fair salaried amount ~$10-12 hour), our opinion is always taken into account. And that standing arguing with me was once again taking away from her doing her job.

I had one interview with references to call and another call back tonight. If anyone has suggestions for finding help in the Indianapolis area please send it along. But please do not lecture me. I love my father and worry desperately about how he is coping. I know he is getting as much out of her wanting to leech on as he can because he simply does not want to deal with the messiness of the disease. I do not think he is sleeping with her and if she was going to steal anything, it is already gone. Her engagement ring and other valuables were put away a long time ago (when they started falling off her fingers).

The thing is that I can't have her quit before I get someone else in to help. I don't even want her fired as much as limit the amount of time she spends there so her life stays outside their home. A second shift is what we are looking for now and will go from there. My dad likes her and I cannot go back to being the full time caregiver. I have a young child that does not always do well around my mother - they argue like, well little children. Living with them nearly ruined my marriage and I will not sacrifice my young family again. That is the last thing my mother would have wanted for any of her children.

So that is the update for those of you following my sad saga. There are so many pitiful stories swirling around this disease. The saddest thing for me is to imagine how she would have handled this and how differently it would all be if she were in charge. She spent her life sheltering us from anything painful or ugly. And now we can't seem to even get it together enough to make her comfortable and safe in her own home.

This isn't easy and it sounds like you and your Dad are really trying hard, that's all any of us can do.
I had one little suggestion about finding a new caregiver-
(and of course, do the checks to make sure they will do a good job, like you would with anyone).
1.Craig's List
2.Hang out around a nursing home during the shift changes (I think that they mostly work 7am-3pm, 3pm-11pm, 11om-7am, at least those were the hours in my Grandma's rehab). Ask them if they' like a new job. Caring for one person and making a little bit more than they make at the NH.
3.Go to senior apartments and look on the bulletin boards

Good luck.

Hi I am new to the forum. My son and I took care of my father for about 16 months after my mom passed. I say fire her, their is to many red flags. I do like jellybeans says. Is there a some kind of organize for the senior around your house they could put you with a good CNA or try the Home Health Agency's they might be able to help. I would not hire anyone that is not a CNA. I took the course and it sure helped me to take care of both of my parents.

You and your sister need to sit your Dad down and simply tell him that your Mother needs a caregiver that isn't using Mom's car to run errands,,and has no business bringing a child along when she comes over to "caregive".

If it would've been me there,,and after you told her your feelings about things,,well when she got in my "MOM"S CAR" to go and pick up laundry soap,,and leaves with letting your Mom and her son alone,,,HELLO.....massive red flags.

You should've had your Dad come over right then and there and had it out when the little shit pulled back into the drive.

I'm serious,,,if someone has AD,,,and you bring your kid over ,,then leave ,even for a few minutes,,leaving the kid with the person that has AD,,,how dumb is that!!!!??

What bites is,,I bet the little idiot would've left your Mom,,and her kid there alone,,even if you were'nt' there .

You need to remind your Dad that his top priority and responsibility is the "care of his wife",,not some young gal with a kid,,and with a sob storey.

Tell your dad that you and your sister are "interviewing" truly experienced with AD caregivers,,,minus hauling their children along. I wish you and your sister the best in this situation,,your Dad may actually like having that younger gal there,,its some company and conversation for him on a more normal realm,,,plus I'm sure its a boost to his ego,,,otherwise,,why would your dad be offering her "a glass of wine". Peace

Ummm ... it sounds as if the CG left your mother entirely alone while she and her son went who knows where in your mother's car, and for who knows how long -- at least 30 minutes because that's how long you talked with your mother before she returned. Otherwise, I don't understand why the CG wouldn't have gone inside to talk to your dad, rather than argue with you or send him an email.

This is very bad indeed.

Of course, we all understand you're between a rock and a hard place, and that you can't fire the CG until you've found someone else. We're not lecturing, we're just very worried about you and your family and it comes across that way.

I hope you find a solution to your problems very soon, and without too much additional stress on you or your dad.

1) I hate to ask this, but how are your dad's thought processes doing these days in general?

Not just about this, but about the rest of his life and business matters?

2) Something else you might do is see if you can get online access to your dad's bank accounts so you can monitor withdrawals. You don't have to tell him you're doing it, either.

3) If your dad won't listen to reason, you may find yourself having to consider calling Adult Protective Services if he is routinely leaving your mom alone (by leaving her with a CG who then abandons her).

4) Keep a very close eye on your mom's physical condition. Watch for bruises in places usually covered by clothing, see if she acts fearful around this CG, etc.

Because the CG's behavior clearly isn't compassionate or caring and could easily become abusive as the CG continues to see that you are essentially powerless and your dad is not providing any oversight or supervision.

HI daughter..

may you consider..trust..... that your..father knows best..

he ..hired this caregiver..in good faith..to help him..care for your mom..

no one here on this message board..is there..so we really don't know..what is best..for your mom..


but this I know for sure....do not go looking for trouble..Look for the good in people..


just maybe..your dad..is being kind and letting her store some of her things..he may feel he has room to do this..for her..

and letting her use the car..is his choice..she may have run other errands..needed..

you said your mother feels comfortable with this caregiver..
and your dad is there...to make sure..she is cared for..and that is..so important..


you also said ..you believe..she really cares about your mother...so your gut feeling...

yes the younger generation..does not look at the world..the way..older folk do..patience is the answer..

just a thought..give it some time..things have a way of working themselves out..

trust your dad..that he will set limits if necessary..may you let him feel..he is in control..of what is best..for the woman..he Loves..

you Love your parents..share..all your thoughts..and concerns..with your dad..always..and be a good listener..when he also shares.. his thoughts and feelings with you..

my husbands mom lived in our home for over 6 years and I worked full time nights..and my husband was there for his mom at night..

but if I had a meeting or needed to go somewhere for short periods of time..we were blessed with an older neighbor who..was kind to my husbands mother..

that was the only requirement..I needed ....I wanted her to feel safe..and Loved ..and never feel alone and our Loved one too..felt comfortable and relaxed.. with our neighbor..we felt blessed..she was there for us.......Namaste Rosie

No lectures. Just ditto to all the advice.

Do what you have to get rid of her – quick! And, stay in everyone's face until you do. Snakes are very charming and this one is up to no good.

Kit

P.S. I am truly sorry to offend you, just exhibit love, but this "caregiver" has already shown that she can not and should not be trusted. I don't have to be there to know that there is no good in this person. She will break everyone's heart, and their bankbooks, too, if she can get a hold of them.

Yes, many elderly trust people they should not. MIL has had people borrow money and refuse to return it and has had clothing and other items stolen out of her house by people she hired who she thought were perfectly fine, but who made my hair stand on end.

Hi,
You are absolutely right to be concerned, and everyone who has responded is right on the money.

Drinking on the job is absolutely out of the question. She is hired for her judgment, and alcohol impairs that.

Your father's response is an understandable one; he has a person who is "helping" with a difficult situation and once a caregiver is in the home, the primary caregiver may look the other way on certain behaviors because he/she values the caregiver's service so much. But there are plenty of good caregivers out there.

It takes work to find good caregivers. Quality agencies will do background checks and check references for you, and it is well worth it to hire an agency that employs the caregiver. That way if something happens, the caregiver is covered under the agency's insurance. You pay more, but you have a lot of services that you wouldn't otherwise.

I would recommend you find a way to get this current caregiver to move her things out of your parent's house immediately, and you or your sister should be there to supervise her moving so that she doesn't take things that don't belong to her. Once her things are out,try to help your dad see that there are caregivers that will provide even better service than this current one. Maybe you can interview some and then have your dad meet two or three you believe will be a good fit for your mom. Maybe one he likes could come in on a trial basis and by comparison, your dad will see that other options exist.

My first caregiver was someone I knew, and I came to find out I didn't know this person as well as I thought. Suffice it to say, she was a very poor choice. I was worried about replacing her because my mom liked her so much. But what I came to learn was that my mom liked anyone who could make her feel secure.

Regarding the use of your parent's computer and Internet connection -- very dangerous. What she does can be traced right back to their computer.

You are in a difficult situation, but a with a little patience and some finesse, you might be able to get your dad to see a change in caregivers will be the best thing for your mom and him.

Good luck!

Another thought - take a videocamera or camcorder and when she's there, walk around the house videotaping everything or taking tons of pictures of it all. (Even my little digital camera has a movie feature, by the way.)

Tell your dad it's for insurance purposes.

Make sure she sees you doing it - you are letting her know that if stuff turns up missing, you will know it.

Just creates the appearance that you are watching her VERY closely.

Same thing on checking Mom for bruises, etc. Make sure this CG knows you are doing it.

Make sure she knows you are doing a background check.

Don't be discreet in your checking up on how she's treating your mom, etc. You want her to know you're doing it.

Stop by at random unannounced times without calling first.

You want her to feel that she is being watched over, because the odds are pretty good that she will then quit of her own accord.

I've not much to add other than she drinks on the job and then drives their car? She does not have to be "drunk" to bring down a world of legal trouble on your dad if she has an accident and has consumed alochol, even if the accident is not her fault.

Darling, I feel horrible for the spot you are in, but this one has got to go. If dad can't see it, call APS.

Thanks for all the supportive replies. I have read all and really appreciate your comments (mostly). Will take grassflower's advice and make it clear that I am watching her. Going over tomorrow to remove all the remaining jewelry.

We had another incident today. My sister caught her having margaritas on the deck of a restaurant at lunch. When she sat down with them the CG jumped up to stop the waitress from bring her second round. Confront her this evening. We all sat down and my dad laid out the ground rules - no drinking during the day, no driving the car with out my mother in tow. He likes her and sees these problems as minor infractions compared to the bigger problems of the disease. Seems ridiculous, I know, to allow someone to work who is drinking on the job but all I can do is find a replacement as quickly as possible that can be trusted.

A second shift who is a trained professional (and apparently fun for my father to be around) might be better able to keep her in check. Another set of eyes so to speak. And If I can get someone acceptable in at 4pm his contact to the girl will be limited. Lessen her grip on the situation. Met a fantastic lady today. Older but still relaxed with years of experience with a kind disposition. So cross your fingers for us. This is a long ride and I need to stay focused on the bigger picture. If I alienate my father there will be nothing I can do for my mother. And like I said, I love my dad and want him to be happy too. Just not with that leech around.

Whatever you feel works,,,so do what "needs to be done". However,,,after meeting with someone you and your sister feel confident with,,,then have your sister stay with your Mom,,or you stay with your Mom,,and take Dad along for a "casual lunch" to meet this new "friend".

Whoever is the most convincing with your Dad ,,should be the one that takes Dad to meet,,and hopefully get Dad to "allow this person the priviledge" of caring for your Mom,,,full time. Get rid of the gal that is gold digging" your Dad.

Oh,,and if I may,,take your Mom's car keys so that the little wench can't take her car,,,

You've had so many wonderful suggestions from so many here at the forum,,,I honestly hope that you and sister can really reach your Dad and get rid of that girl that was hired,,and truly get wonderful and compassionate care she deserves. Peace

Problem solved. She made her own less-than-graceful exit. It was a hard lesson for all of us to learn - my father especially - when she finally imploded all on her own. We now have two qualified caregivers working in shifts. Each has loads of experience with in-home care for people suffering from Alzheimer's Disease and come with great references. I am hopeful that we will now be able to give my mother the peace she deserves as she rides out this wicked disease.

I'm so happy to hear that you finally got rid of the "idiot caregiver" of your Mother. I'm sure that your Dad was a bit "disappointed" to loose his younger caregiver of Mom,,but oh well.

I hope that things work out really well with the 2 new ladies that are sharing the caring responsibility of your Mom. And just to be on the safe side,,always do a "drop in" to see how things are. Remember,,even though things may seem on the up and up,,sometimes as time passes,,some caregivers can become "lax" in their responsibilities,,which I surely hope will never be the case again in your situation.

This would also be a good time for your Dad to get out and have some social life,,while Mom is being cared for by her caregiver's.

Do keep us updated on things as they progress. I'm so happy for you that you found someone that meets your requirements and standards. Peace

I'm glad she left on her own. I'd still watch out for her, though. And watch, she'll use this as a reference... Stupid people are everywhere.