When we lived over in Wv and had a tiny home my husband's grandaughter was very sweet and loving.
When I got an inheirence from my parents and we could move over to Va. in a much larger house her attitude changed.
I think she believes her granddad had much more money than he did. She seems to believe that I am taking him for all his money. This house that we have is from my parents. I let her granddad keep all his money.
She is coming for a visit and I just hope and pray that she doesn't show her attitude like she did the last time she was here. I had put clean sheets on her bed, and vacumed the house, and generally scrubbed every thing down. Well she demanded that her Granddad, my husband, tell me to get her fresh sheets. And she vacumed my house again, and scrubbed my kitchen table and then asked me if I didn't think it looked much better.
Is it any wonder that I dread her visit this time?
I am up tonight making peach pies and planning for a meatloaf tomorrow.
When she sees her "pop pop" as she calls him, maybe she will know that he isn't with the show.
Maybe she will see that I have always had his best interests in mind.
My husband said, "maybe I am just getting older,but I want to be a hermit."
They think I am milking their loved one for all he has, but I am letting him share in my inheritance. He says that he loves our home and it feels like "home" to him that's all that counts but I do hate these uninformed people making judgements that do not apply.
His son is a totally different person. Very loving and caring and supportive. I shared with his son that my husband was having some health problems and he in turn must have shared this with the rest of the family.
I appreciate that they are coming down to see him but Oh dear Lord I pray they don't come with an attitude.
My husband is 78, and has a colon problem. But I didn't share with the family that he possibally and probally has prostate cancer. I just told them that if they wanted to see him to do it now because you never know.
My husband is curious as to why they are coming to see him, but if I didn't give a cue and something happened to him I feel that I would not be fair to them.
When to tell and what to tell, and how much to tell?

If it were me I'd wait to see how they behave. And as long as you have proof that you are living off your money and not using his (bank statements and such) then I wouldn't worry about what they think. They don't have a leg to stand on. AND if the granddaughter gets on her high horse again I wouldn't think twice about telling her that it is YOUR home and if she's not happy with the way YOU keep it she's free to stay elsewhere. Feel them out....see what their motives and plans are and then decide what and how much to tell them. He's your husband and you are protecting his dignity. That's first and foremost.

After the granddaughter vacuumed and cleaned and then asked if it looked better--just say NO, it looked better before. If she wants to waste her energy doing things like that, let her wash the sheets and put them back on. Don't let her get to you--put her problems back on her. Then tell her that she does not have to stay in YOUR house. She is welcome to stay elsewhere. All you would need is a phone number to contact her in case you needed to do so. I see no reason to allow her to create such havoc unchallenged. Good luck...
Charlotte

Sandra--Due to the public nature of these forums, I will limit my reply to:

I would wait until you see how they behave before telling them anything and even then I would be tempted to tell them the bare minimum.

If you are considered a 'golddigger', I doubt if there is anything that you can say or do that will change their opinion. You know the facts, have a clean conscience, certainly do not owe them an explanation and are not required to inform them of your husband's assets or lack of them.

A good friend once told me: "Sometimes you must teach people how to treat you". Your husband's grand daughter is in need of a lesson or two. I'd be tempted to usher her into a bedroom with a stripped bed and the vacuum cleaner parked in the middle of the floor. Hand her the sheets, and ask her to vacuum the house. You certainly have better things to do than to cater to someone that does not appreciate it.

I certainly agree with Charlotte 100%! You are is wife, not hired help! How you spend any money is you and your husband's business, not her business. I hope you will stand up for yourself and not allow this added stress in your life. She needs a quick lesson in manners!

Ok,,,just gotta comment on this one! You know me,,,I won't let this pass me by!

Ok,,see how the family is once they arrive,,of course,,have a nice snack or meal planned/prepared for them,,thats the hospitible thing to do.

Should "any"of them sit on their "duff",while you proceed to clear,clean afterwards,,,,shame on you for not requesting their help.

If upon request,,they don't pitch in,,,then guess what,,,for the rest of their visit,,,y'all will be eating dinner out at the local restaraunt,,,with separate checks !!!

See how they like that! You better inform the husband that this visit,,he better be devoted,,loving,,,and man enough to stand up to his family on your behalf.

If he can't/won't do that,,,,let him do all the cleaning and cooking,,,hell,,,its his family.

If that little grand daughter shows her butt,,let her know just where the bear shits,,,and if she does'nt like it,,she doesn't need to come again for a visit.

You just remind yourself next time you look in the mirror,,that you are a good,,,,no,,wonderful person,,and you deserve respect,(especially in your home),and consideration...and if any,and I mean any family memeber can't comply,,show them the door and tell them,,,don't let it hit their ass on the way out !!

You stick up for yourself,,cause if you dont',,,nobody else will either. Peace!

You and your husband are free to do whatever you want to do with all of your money and assets, whether they are yours or his or owned jointly. The grandchildren can wonder about it all they want, but they have no right to ask you about it and as Skericheri said, you do not owe them an explanation and are not required to explain your finances (or anything else) to them.

Don't let them bully you.

All the best to you and your husband.

Sounds like she's putting the cart before the horse. You really can't count on ANY inheritance with the way we live our later years these days, especially when one or both parents has medical issues.

If it was me, I'd let her know in no uncertain terms how insensitive she is, counting her inheritance money before the wake. :/ BUT, I would also tell her that I will make sure that no one but her gets the vacuum cleaner... in fact, it would even merit a change in the will!

BUT, it's not me. *whew* Not yet. I fully expect to see the same attitude when my stepmom passes. We'll see.

An afterthought--
Respond to impolite behavior by calling it what it is--just look at the offending person and say "How rude" and walk away. That should stop the shenanigans...
Charlotte

quote:

Originally posted by Twice Blessed:
I certainly agree with Charlotte 100%! You are is wife, not hired help! How you spend any money is you and your husband's business, not her business. I hope you will stand up for yourself and not allow this added stress in your life. She needs a quick lesson in manners!

--I add my agreement with Twice Blessed and the others. No way should you need to explain anything to her, and you are certainly not her maid! That young woman needs to learn some manners!
Marci

quote:

Originally posted by NDuke:
If it was me, I'd let her know in no uncertain terms how insensitive she is, counting her inheritance money before the wake. :/ BUT, I would also tell her that I will make sure that no one but her gets the vacuum cleaner... in fact, it would even merit a change in the will!

Love it! Thanks for the smile.

I always appreciate Charlotte's wonderful advice.

I learned (after getting really mad and loosing it and looking like I was the bad guy!!!) I learned to smile sweetly and say "Wow,I can't believe you said/did that. Were you being rude? or just kidding?" I smiled and waited for an answer. Nine times out of ten they would say "Oh I was kidding." And I could laugh and sweetly answer "Phew, I am relieved to know you are not truly that rude."

Nothing I can add they said it all. Just wanted you to know we are all here for you....Christy

Boy, I love you guys, thank you so much for being there. Love to all. Sandra22

Hi Sandra,

Sorry that you have to deal with this attitude...

It does remind me of when some of my Dad's family came to our home for my mother's funeral.

I was terribly hurt and offended that they began rampaging through my parents house with clorox and swifters. I took this as an insult to my mother's housekeeping and just inappropriate in so many ways. I felt hurt and violated. My Dad, a more pragmatic guy, and I guess the same background as these folks, thought it was fine and dandy.

I finally decided that maybe that this was just a cultural or regional thing? One of them is a very nice person - clearly what was incredibly insensitive to me was not to her. I'm sure my lack of thankfulness seemed very rude to them... Bizarre....

It also reminds me of a couple I used to know... The couple met later in life, but were married for 10 or 15 years before the husband died after years of a debilitating illness and some verbal abusiveness on the part of the husband. The children of this gentleman actually implied that the surviving spouse was a gold digger! After a decade of a marriage filled with ilness...

These people are just SILLY... Try not to take them too seriously!!!!!!

One last thought... You never know - her 'tude could be more about her than you... Insecurities about her own socio-economic status, envy...

You sound very gracious... After you put up with this person, I hope you can have a visitor more worthy....

My husband and I had a similar discussion about the greed of one of his sibs. When my FIL died, the mortician hadn't even taken his body out of the room, and my SIL was filling her pockets with the contents of the top of his dresser. The same sister has made inquiries as to my MIL's condition, and so far, I have not been forthright telling her that MIL is on Hospice, because I dont' want her to hover like a circling VULTURE! When the time comes and MIL is failing for the last time, I will tell her she MUST be home, but in the meantime, I would prefer for the pilfering to be limited....whether MIL is aware of it or not, the possessions in her house are still her's until such time that she's no longer in need of them. My SIL, however, has sticky fingers and no sense of personal boundries, so we keep her on a VERY tight leash.

NuttyChris, when you see the time coming, perhaps you need to do some packing, just to reduce temptation? Who's going to settle tihngs in the end?

Thank you dear people that have responded to me. I needed all your kind supportive words.
My sister in law threw out all of my dear mother's things when she died. She put them in trash bags and loaded them in the storage building. Then she would ask me, do you want this, or do you want that.
At Mom's funeral she played the role of grand dutchess. I was sitting back in a side room after trying to get away from all of this and deal with my grief, when I overheard people talking about the "daughter" . I couldn't stand it anymore and so I told them that she wasn't the "daughter" but the daughter in law. My mistake. Then it was like they were nonbelieving that I was the true daughter and she was the daughter in law.
Ran into them at a resturant the next day and they kept sending people over to my table to have a look at the real daughter. Some times people can be so very cruel. I hope and pray that this doesn't ever happen to any of you, but I know that it will. Stay strong. Sandra22

quote:

Originally posted by Incurable romantic's girl:
NuttyChris, when you see the time coming, perhaps you need to do some packing, just to reduce temptation? Who's going to settle tihngs in the end?

The packing has already started. We asked her if she wanted to come visit before Christmas, and everything of value was put behind a closed, locked door. My SIL has NO sense of propriety, and has overstepped lines more often that I care to remember. So before she sticks her hand in not-yet-cold pockets, she's going to be thrown a bone...ie: we are using bait (personal momentos that have no intrinsic value) to distract her. Hopefully, when the time comes, she will be more interested in the tinsel than the gold. Besides, there isn't any more "treasure"---ie: bank accounts, etc. The house has been mortgaged to the last toilet bolt, and when MIL's gone, the house will have to be sold and ALL the equity will go back to the bank. The sis is not in the will anyway...she stepped on MIL's toes one too many times, and MIL opted to give her $1.00. period. And when the time comes, I don't think there will even be THAT left.