My 86 y/o Dad has dementia. He has always been a do-it-yourself man raised in the Depression. He built the house he and Mom live in, which is 1500 miles from my sister and I. He has progressed to the point where he never gets around to mowing the yard or doing any type of repairs or maintenance and gets irate with Mom if she suggests having it done (money isn't an issue except in his mind). I do realize that the dementia has robbed him of his ability to do repairs but unfortunately he still thinks he can do it all. I am planning to have the repairs done while he is away, but does anyone have suggestions for yardwork that needs to be done every couple of weeks when he's home? When Mom said she was going to hire someone, he told her not to bother because he would run them off. My mom accurately describes him as a control freak losing control.

Would your mom be able to take him on an "outing" while the lawn was being mowed? If she could set up a time with whomever was mowing it, maybe she could take him somewhere for an hour or so. If he's a do-it-yourselfer, maybe a "fantasy" trip to Home Depot?

Thanks for the suggestion, but it's not going to work. My mom wouldn't be able to do that. Also, he'd probably notice and still take his anger out on her.

What I didn't say in the original post is that my mom isn't in good shape physically. They are getting close to needing outside care, but I thought I'd work on the maintenance things first and then tackle the really hard stuff.

Could you arrange the yardwork for times when your Mom or Dad has a doctors appointment?
What about starting out with help for your Mom- help with showers , cleaning the house, and things that your Mom needs that your Dad may not feel comfortable helping with?

Two thoughts:

1) Can you explain more about how he would take his anger out on her?

I'm guessing from your posts that this is a pretty common event.

If so, I would suggest talking to his doc about small doses of psychiatric medications.

Aggressive behavior - whether verbal or physical - is a risky thing in people with dementia, because they're losing the normal ability to "self-regulate" mood and behavior.

So lashing out physically and becoming furiously angry is not uncommon in this kind of situation. It can escalate quickly and leave everyone around them walking on eggshells - which is no way for your mom and you to live.

And it can't feel good to him either.

2) Shortly after my mom was diagnosed, I faced the same situation - household maintenance in desperate need of attention, mom very resistant to outside help.

I spent a lot of time getting household stuff fixed, only to realize that I was wasting time and money on that stuff when what I really needed to do was get my mom's living situation straightened out at a "big picture" level.

She was only going to get worse, and I was never going to be any "readier" to make decisions about her care - I just needed to get on with the really critical decision-making.

In other words, I was majoring in the minors

So perhaps consider whether your time would be better spent figuring out the Big Plan (assisted living or whatever) for the two of them, and then see where house maintenance fits into that, if indeed it does.

Because the only options are really these:

1) they move in with family member who can supervise dad fulltime

2) family member moves in with them to provide fulltime supervision

3) one or both moves to assisted living with dementia care facilities.

Because unless the family has extensive assets or a really good long-term care policy, you won't be able to afford paid 24x7 in-home care and supervision, which is what he will need, especially given his control tendencies, resistance, and your mom's physical condition.

Dear Fl-Mo: A warm welcome to you. We are so pleased you have found the Caregiver's Forum. You will meet many lovely people here who have walked similar paths with similar challenges, and over the next few days you will get much input re your concern.

This particular type of challenge can be very difficult in this stage of Alzheimer's. I also faced such a dynamic with my own mother; and you are correct, the more they are "losing" control, the more they hang on tightly and become quite rigid about it.

Another dynamic that can exist is, they don't like changes or new things to enroach into their sphere of existence.

Sometimes there is nothing that can be done but to wait for the next shoe to drop especially if the person with Alz's is still quite lucid and able to glean what is happening and is not easily fooled.

I've been there.

Perhaps you will not be able to get every single chore issue addressed, but perhaps you can gain a foothold on the most important piece.

My mother railed against, and actually refused to permit us to bring in any outside help to her home.

What I finally did was wait until a birthday was near by a few weeks. I made a gift certificate on my computer and placed it into a greeting card tied with a ribbon.

What I did was present her with the "gift" of a choreworker from all of us. I told Mom that she had worked SO hard all of her life and she deserved to be treated to something quite special.

Of course we were all there smiling, clapping our hands and upbeat as could be. We brought a dessert and turned it all into a small party.

She was broadsided and how could she possibly refuse the "gift"? She was unsure and not totally onboard, but the outright refusal did not happen.

I had already sought out and picked the "perfect" person and explained everything in advance to the new choreworker. Part of our planning was to have the new worker cater to Mom on a personal level as well as her professional one and to become a "friend" to Mom while at the house. She even called Mom in between visits for short "chats." That really helped.

The first week went okay, but we were on thin ice. The second week same thing; by the third week things were looking up, and within four or five weeks Mom was delighted with her new "friend."

Mom sometimes worked alongside the person, (barely), or delegated a chore to the person. We worked it out.

Eventually Mom could not do without it and we all breathed a sigh of relief.

Initially, I did pay for the person to come in. However, within a month or two, since I paid the parents bills for them, I simply paid the choreworker out of their funds. All statements come to my house, so Mom was never aware.

Sometimes we have to go thru a side window or down the chimney rather than the front door in order to get things done.

I also learned the value of little white fiblets, "therapeutic fibs", in order to get necessary things accomplished without upset or outright mutiny from Mom. This can be a great kindness to our loved ones and in this way we save them much upset.

Oh, the things we must sometimes do. But do them we must.

You are a dear person and terrific advocate for your parents. They are truly fortunate to have you by their side. Let us know how things work out, we will be thinking of you.

Johanna C.

Two guides that may be helpful to you:

Understanding The Dementia Experience
http://www.alzheimer.guelph.or...tia%20Experience.pdf

And since Dad thinks everything's fine, this'll be useful too:
http://alzonline.phhp.ufl.edu/...ding/Anosognosia.pdf

Thanks to all for the great suggestions. It's so hard to sit and wait for the panic phone call that is certain to come but I truly believe that's what it's going to take to change things. Dad is definitely still lucid enough to know what's going on and is fighting back hard. The time for them to no longer live independently is close but not quite here yet. Once that happens, I am hoping to move them to the adult community where I live.

Dad has to go see the neurologist in Nov. and you can be sure that I will be asking for more meds. Hopefully it will improve his disposition but honestly, he's been tough to deal with forever.

I am with grassflower on this one, your dad needs medication for anger and aggitation. If he does not need it today, the need is coming as unfortunately alz is all about losing control. One of the things that is often lost is the ability to have emotional control, with both crying and anger. I dont think that I would wait until november. My mom took respiradol 0.5 mg once a day and it allowed her to stay in her own home 6 months more. She also took ativan for melt downs. I dissolved it in her coffee, because when she really needed it she wasnt going to take it. Our general Md took care of her, so maybe your internest can prescribe for him.