Well it finally happened. I thought to myself maybe it wouldn't. Maybe through the years of keeping calm, swallowing the frustration of dealing with inept and uncaring medical staff, service people, and socially retarded family and friends that I could make it without going postal, if you will. Well, today was the day.

I got, yet another piece of mail for my Mom. I am DPOA and she is now in long term care so I have to deal with all her matters. So here it is, again, another piece of mail to deal with. It's a mastercard from a store in town. I already dealt with this earlier. They were suppose to cancel it. I call the toll free number. They are closed. I missed them by 15 minutes. I write them down on my list of things to do for tomorrow. The list is long.

The next day (today) I call them. I have to wait. I get the "we are experiencing higher call frequency than normal, we appreciate your patience...." I get the same message basically from EVERY bank, mastercard, what have you that I call on both my behalf and my Mom's. No, its not higher call frequency, it's that the banks who make record profits most quarters won't hire more people to take all those calls. I feel my irritation level begin to rise....

I get the customer service rep finally. I tell her I need to cancel the card. I want to make sure that fraud is not committed on that card for it could easily have fallen into the wrong hands and all the person had to do was push one number on the phone and it would have been activated. So I ask her to cancel the card. I tell her I have DPOA. She tells me she can't do that - I need to send them evidence of the DPOA. I tell her that I already did this. She snottily says it's not in the system, I will need to do it, implying that I am lying for if I had sent it, it would be in the system. Three.....two....one *sound of sonic boom of atom bomb going off in the distance, a bright flash of light....*

All I remember is her cutting me off and talking over me and that was it, that was just it. I have NEVER spoken to anyone EVER like that, not even my ex-husband?! *laughing* It escalated and escalated for she kept talking over me and finally, finally, I told her, yelled into the phone to Shut the *&%^ up just shut the *&%^ up!!!! She said, Oh wow. And I said "haven't you heard that the customer is always *&%^ing right, well, they are, always &^$%ing right so I will be sending you that &*%&*$*$& letter and following up a couple of weeks later and it better be in your *&$*$^ system!" and with that I hung up. I thought to myself "great, hope you got that on tape for your supposed training purposes. I can imagine her boss replaying the tape and saying, "So what did you learn hmmmmmmm?"

Now I am not saying that what I did was right. No sireee. I had an instant headache as a result and was quite upset. What it illustrated to me very clearly was, I can't do this anymore. I have lost me. I have no patience and I have put up with an intolerable situation for far too long. I thought about it for a couple of hours later and spoke with two good friends. I debriefed.

Am I glad it happened, well, yes and no. Yes in that she had it coming, no in that I could have problem solved it much more effectively just asking for the manager and telling him what an ass she was, professionally, that is. Also, worst of all, I lost it and I didn't feel good about it. I have NEVER ever said that to anyone, even those that deserved it.

What did I learn? That I am sadly human and I have found my limit. I am worn out, exhausted and no reserves are left. I will limit what I do and unless something is absolutely critical all other things will be tossed in the garbage or shredded as required. The answering machine is my best buddy - screen baby screen. That I realized I am way more depressed that I thought and if i don't start doing some things (for pleasure and exercise) for myself it won't change.

I had to write this out tonite so that I could finally get to sleep. I wanted to let you all know out there that even the best of us can get undone by this illness even though it is our LO who has it. I think everyone here IS the best. I feel somewhat ashamed by my behaviour but I understand why it happened. That's it. My body, my psyche can take no more.

A nurse at the care home about 2 months ago mentioned in passing "yes the home is good but they still need family to visit". I know she meant well but since I am the ONLY family that visits regularly it just made me feel more guilty that I just can't do it anymore.

Man, this is the hardest thing I have ever had to manage in my life. Just wanted you all to know that if this has ever happened to you, you surely are not alone.

Boy Summer,
can I identify......I'm sure we all can. I'm like you: if a staff member at my
Dad's NH made that statement to me, about them needing family to visit, I'd
STILL be dwelling on it, and just KNOWING that I HAD to do it. All NH's need
family to visit; and where my Dad is, there's very little family visiting going
on. You DO need a break. And I'm sure you visit often. I don't know the answer
to "letting go" a little and living our lives as well as advocating for our LO.
I'm still learning that "dance." I know, having a LO in a facility is in many
ways harder than having them at home. One thing I can certainly recommend to you
is hospice; my Dad has vascular dementia. These days, to qualify for hospice,they
require a "diagnosis which the patient isn't seeking a cure for." (such as taking
chemo for cancer.) We know there's no cure YET for dementia (except a miracle)
so that qualified my Dad. He gets an aide in Mon.-Fri. for two hours each time;
a nurse visits him 1-2 times weekly; w/ Dad the aide is a Godsend........he benefits
so much from the extra attention and "pampering" she's been giving him. I hadn't
met her yet but left her a message. She called me back yesterday (Sunday) and told
me she has been an aid for 22 years, and that her own Dad passed away from dementia
in '06 at the age of 67.......so she knows.....she took 6 months off to care for
her own Dad. My Dad seems to love this aid; I told her, "I wish I had the means to
hire you full time!!" She doesn't come on weekends, and my hubby visited Dad instead
of me last evening; he hadn't had a good day, and had hit an aide. Its heartwrenching.
I feel so responsible for him being so unhappy. I don't know WHY!! God willing his
beloved Maddie will be there for him today. Do something good for YOU Summer, and I'll
take my own advice and do the same. Take care!!

PS-don't be too hard on yourself for yelling at that woman...these days
its unheard of that people actually DO THEIR JOBS!! That company received
your DPOA, and just didn't bother to cancel the card. You ARE human!!

Oh Wow "and what did you learn from this?" LOL! Good lord! How many of us have had to deal with this cr__ on top of EVERYTHING else. I'm there too with all this DPOA not being on file. Is it our fault they're inept? NOoooooo....Didn't anyone EVER train these Customer Service people that you catch more flies with honey? I too have found myself saying in a raised voice, 'if you'd let me finish my sentence!' I keep asking for supervisors after 10 minutes of circles and guess what? One is never available, oh, but can give advice to the rep while we're talking. Sort of makes you want to find the president of the company and shake them.
I've learned many things about myself being a caregiver. One is that if I don't recognize the signs of near collapse, I will. Then I'd be in a deeper hole - hard to imagine, but still.
My Mom's in a Alz. Wing of a NH and I visit once a week as it's an hour away and she suffers from Sundowner's quite a bit - meaning late afternoon visits after work don't work for either of us. The staff is kind but it isn't home is it? When I start to go too far down that guilt road I slap myself and remember it's what's best for her now and she's safe. Not perfect but under the circumstances, it's best.
I've also found that 'just a little down time' doesn't really cut it for healing, but it's a start.
Hoping some weight is lifted from your shoulders this week -

Exactly what I am going thru--I have sent so many things to so many people time and time again to try to resolve things since my fathers death. The death certificates cost 10 bucks a pop and I have 3 left of 20 and still getting the "not on file bs". EVERY thing I have closed, stopped, changed has had to be done NUMEROUS times. I would scream but I don't have the energy. I let direct tv keep the 225.00 termination fee finally because I had called them at least 4 times to try to get it credited back and they would say it was done "yesterday". I would have to hang up to check only to find it hadnt. I cant fight anymore.
I wrote a very nasty letter to AOL trying to cancel dads internet account--they were taking the money directly out of his checking account and you CAN close the account but then the bank charges you and can send you to collections so that didn't happen. It was only to close an account not to collect on life insurance for heavens sake!!!!

The easiest WAS the life insurance--sent them a death certificate and they sent the money. Covered one month of mom's care and his cremation.

I know the frustration--it is never ending and so draining to get those letters time after time after you think something is taken care of.

AOL is STILL pulling that stunt? I thought they were taken to court over it.

These people ARE doing their jobs, and no, they're not inept. If you cancel a card or an account, then there's no chance their company will get money out of you. It is their job to keep that from happening, any way they can.

Summerskies, that kind of thing is enough to make anybody's blood boil even if you're not stressed to the max as a caregiver. Is there still a lot of stuff like that that you need to do for your mom? Have you ever thought about hiring a professional private fiduciary? I've been looking into how to be sure my DH is cared for if something happened to me, and found out that fiduciaries who are qualified as conservators / guardians are often used to help support caregivers. They can handle all the bills and mail, take care of the credit card idiots (and quite effectively, too ... they know the law and know exactly which buttons to push, and I don't mean on the phone), arrange for errands to be run and checking up on your mom to make sure things are OK, and whatever else you need done to preserve your sanity. They'll do a little or a lot, you can tailor their services to your particular situation. The good ones have access to all kinds of resources -- they know the really good lawyers, healthcare providers, financial gurus, etc, that you and your mom might need, and can make the arrangements for you.

lostnow, most of the time they'll take a xerox of a death certificate. I think I only had to use two originals when my first husband died, and I don't remember anyone demanding an original when my father died.

Summerskies,,,my heart goes out to you ,,as I personally know all too well what your'e going thru. Even though I am guardian of my Mom,,plus DPOA for all medical and financial,,,I found out quickly that when having to deal with any corporate company,,be it for a credit card,,insurance company,,whatever and whoever,,,I simply say that I'm my Mother!!!

Since I have SS card and every bit of info I need,,,I just let them think I'm her,,and the business does get accomplised to my satisfaction.

Also,,when having to deal with companies,,,never call on Monday or Friday,,,they are swamped!! Call after 10:00 on Tue,Wed,or Thur.

Hang in there kiddo. Peace

You said something that really resonated with me.

I haven't had to deal with the situation you described and I haven't been dealing with my mother's dementia as long as you have been dealing with your mother's, but this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. The hardest!

You are definitely not alone.

I'm trying to learn to maneuver the world my mother lives in and yet not become drawn into it.

Best to you always,
Kate

summerskies..

Be good to yourself..the fact you went postal..on someone on the other end of the phone..was ok..it was a communication issue..and the person..could only see..what was in front of them..on their computer..and it said nothing..

caregiver stress..a good nights sleep..and knowing..you will try again..tomorrow...


Balance in our life..is not always easy..

for me..being a caregiver was not the hardest thing..I have ever done..it was a choice..I made..for all the right reasons..


and with it came much..paperwork..and..taking one moment at a time..

I feel..as caregivers..we need to know our limits..and our strengths..and weaknesses..so we can cope..

when we know better..we do..better..and yes if that message was recorded..everyone..who hears it..will learn..what could have been said differently..with compassion..

for me..when I have had issues..in phone conversations..If it is going south..I ...being as humble..as I know how.. ask..for someone else..to speak with..hoping...for...a different result..even when I know..the other person..does not hear..what I am saying..and this boat..is not going to float..I do my best at that moment in time..just as you did..

I have a great sense of humor..and it usually..get me through..as my thoughts..though silent..help my perspective..

may you find the rest you need..and..the fact you realize..nothing will change..until..something changes..

and yes..exercise..and being good to yourself..will help your stess level..and your coping skills..

may you have love in your heart..and peace in your Life....

your mom is bessed..you..are there for her..for me..I miss the woman..my husband..calls mom..Love Rosie

Summerskies and everyone else,
I think we are all dealing with this cr%$.

I could make a list a mile long of the stuff I deal with everyday for MIL. Personal stuff with medicaid, ss, courts in CA,dr. insurance ect. Everyone of them can't seem to GET IT RIGHT!!!!!
Her house was being foreclosed on and BIL couldn't even tell me who he had been making the payment to for 7 years (he co owned it) so I had to figure that all out for medicaid... FRUSTRATED...

When I first brought her here without even an ID,(BIL couldn't even be bothered to make sure she had a ID while caregiving for her) I had the hardest time dealing with all the government entities.. They all seem to tell you different stories. I would get one thing done and be told by someone else I didn't need to do that but now you need to get this done.. I was always on the verge of tears.. I have somewhat gotten that under control.. But summerskies I know just how you felt at the moment you lost it...

I am lucky I can make these calls while I am at work, I work for a great family and as long as I take care of the daily customers I can do personal stuff.. Thank God because I don't know when I would get this stuff done otherwise.

I always put my own calls and issues on the back burner for hers... why is that????

I carry my computer case to work everyday and it is full of manila folders with all the legal papers I need for the stuff I have to deal with for her. It seems everybody needs a copy of DPOA, and they never have the one I sent them last month when I started dealing with these issues... Where do all the copies of DPOA go to when they get lost??? Do you think there is a DPOA heaven where all the copies get lost and end up in a pile 3 miles high???

WE WILL SURVIVE THIS AND BE BETTER FOR IT!!!! I tell myself that everyday..


There is a mountain right here in town, called mushroom rock.. good uphill hike in the pinyon pines, incredible views of our small town and Mt. Sopris (elev. 12953) and I do this hike all winter in the snow and all summer. It has saved me from totally loosing it. I just get my heart pumping with some great tunes on my Ipod and forget all about the stress of it all for 60 min.. I have to take that time for myself at least 3 days a week..

Summer I hope you can find something that can give you a stress release as my hike does me.. You have to take that time for yourself... It is crucial..

Debbie

I impersonate my AD mom all the time (our voices sound the same on the phone even to those who know us). For all intents and purposes, DPOA makes me her, so if saves some hassle, why not? It's the English as a Second Language customer service reps that really tick me off.

Yep from now on I AM my Mom. And I can tell from some of your posts here, some of you have had it even harder than me. This disease is hard enough but then when you throw everything else into the mix (jobs, family issues, other non-helpful family members, social issues, medical issues, financial issues, etc.) well, it's overwhelming.

I, too, pretend I'm Mom on the phone. I've developed a pretty neat 'Mom voice' I use whenever I have to deal with her matters on the phone.

Lostnow - when my brother-in-law died I took care of his affairs for my sister. A lot of companies will accept a copy of the certified death certificate. You know, take one of the ones you have and make a bunch of xerox copies of it. Some want the one with the raised stamp on it but others don't require that.