Hi everyone,
I think I must have a couple tons of burdens that I’m carrying because I’m having a hard time choosing ONE topic to write about. I’ll try staying in the moment—we’re moving my MIL to a first floor bedroom this week. Lots of painting and cleaning general refurbishing to do. I don’t mind the work at all—in fact, I like doing stuff like this. But I dread having to do it in and around grandma. And I dread having to run interference between grandma and my DH (her son!). I love this man to death….and he is a wonderful man in so many ways. But he can be impatient, doesn’t really listen too well and just can’t figure out this communication thing with AD. He still thinks that with practice she can remember how to do things. You know that list of how to communicate with your LO with AD?—he does the opposite.

Over the past 5 years, I’ve read and researched a lot about what to expect and how to handle things. I’ve tried to share <all of it, part of it, some of it, a little bit of it> with DH. Left the 36-hour day in the bathroom library. Read snippets of blogs to him. Printed off info. But it is me, me, me that got her to the doctor in the first place and takes her to all appointments, got the lawyer for POA etc, managed her finances, found a daycare and enrolled her, researched LTC facilities, keeps up with her meds, manages her diet etc. He tells me that I’m “the nurse” and that I’m “good” at these kinds of things (and he’s not). Okay, I’m am good….but I need him to be on board with me! That doesn’t mean “I support you 100%, Dear”. It means you have to learn how to do these things too—especially how to communicate with her without making her cry! Arrgh!

Surely I am not the only caregiver dealing with the “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus and AD is from an alternate universe” thing?

Teach him. We males are teachable. Especially if it's a loving wife doing the teaching. You can find a way. --Jim

Jim, I've tried the loving thing, but find a frying pan to the head works much better. Pyro, my DH is just like yours. He is a very loving and compassionate man. But I think that he was absent when common sense and auditory skills were being handed out. He of all people should know about AD...he's a speech therapist and does cognitive therapy. He is however, convinced that DM does certain things on purpose and knows what she is doing. Especially, the lack of empathy thing. I think that he finally got a wakeup call on Tuesday. I was sick on Tuesday with really bad stomach pain. I thought that I was having either a gall bladder attack or appendicitis. It ends up that it was just a good old fashioned case of viral colitis. I laid down on the couch and finally was able to get to sleep amid all the discomfort. My mom came over and woke me up to tell me that I had to get up to take her home. DH couldn't believe that she did that, as sick as I was. I think he finally got it that she truly is emotionally impaired. I feel your pain sister! But at least it's my DM not his. You have got the double whammy to deal with. Good luck and GOOD JOB! : ) Your DH and MIL are very lucky to have you! Fran

"Left the 36-hour day in the bathroom library."

You crack me up!!! We too have a "bathroom library" but all my DH seems to read are hunting and fishing magazines!

Pyro, I know what you mean about not getting other people to understand the ALZ patient. I makes me so angry that my sibs will not read the books I ask them to read. I've also printed out things for them, underlined certain passages, talked till I'm blue in the face, and they just don't seem interested. I sooo enjoy reading things that help me to understand this disease.

After my Dad died with cancer, and we brought Mom home to live with us, she couldn't understand that Dad was gone. My brother insisted on reminding her on a daily basis that Dad was dead - in order to teach her to remember! His theory was that if we told her things over and over that eventually these things would become part of her "long-term" memory which was still intact.

I'm so tired of being the one to "educate myself" and to try to educate the sibs. Instead of appreciating what I'm trying to share with them, they seem to resent it, thinking that I'm being a "know-it-all."

Jane

"they seem to resent it, thinking that I'm being a "know-it-all."
Right on, Jane! (Hey! We have American Rifleman in our library dueling it out with Martha Stewart!)

"a frying pan to the head works much better"
Right on, Fran! (and hope you're feeling better!)

And Jim, you give me hope : )

While it's true that men can be taught, often as a caregiver it takes more time and effort than is available. I, too, have found that a frying pan to the head (lovingly applied!!) is the easiest method! Besides... arguing with a man is like arguing with an AD patient. You might as well stand next to a wall and beat your head against it!

But on to the more serious matter...

Sometimes the best teaching is by example. Perhaps you can issue a challenge to him to see who can get her to cooperate when you need her to do something that she CAN do... and do this with him several times. Every time YOU "win", explain what you did and why. It probably won't work... but it's the only suggestion I have.

My parents live in a house separate from mine by about 50'. Our solution was for me to do all the interactive caregiving and for him to do as much "handyman" work as possible... he cleans the kitchen, waters the yard, keeps the lawn mowers running... you know... the old fashioned "guys stuff". We're in the country so no one notices.

Oh Girl. Yup. I feel your pain.
Got my very own Martian and the bad news is they just don't 'get it'.

Initially my husband thought my Mom was Pretending!
This after she'd been diagnosed.
Common sense reasoning like 'Why would she Pretend she forgot she just said something and say it again - and again and again' went right over his head.

I love my Martian too and I guess I'm guilty of spoiling him.
I remember telling a girlfriend years ago when I was upset at him for something or other 'He only thinks of himself'. She said 'Carol, you've catered to him ever since I've known you. Why exactly is this a surprise to you?' (I can always count on my friends).

Anyway, this is the first time in our marriage that so much of my attention is being redirected - to my Mom.
In fact, initially he was somewhat jealous of the time I gave her.

Sorry I can't be encouraging.