Although this would not be feasible for many, I wanted to share how we handled the challenge of maintaining our family life when my Mom (stage 5 AD) moved in with us. We built a large room and handicapped accessible bathroom onto our home and call it Mom's "house." I taught her through repetition and a sign on the door that she needs to stay in her house and should knock before she comes into our part. I have a baby monitor in her room with receivers in our part of the home so I can hear her when she calls out, and we check on her (and perform caregiving services) about a half dozen times a day. A respite care lady spends two afternoons a week with her. It may sound sad that we don't incorporate Mom into our daily family life, but this has allowed us to maintain our own home and privacy and yet be in close proximity to her when she needs us. We have a family dinner weekly and we all troop into Mom's room and eat at her table rather than having her come into our part. At this point she actually feels more secure in her own familiar environment and does not wander. Her room has its own exit and so when I take her on excursions we use that door.

Our attorney (an elder law expert) advised us as we made plans on how to finance the addition. Mom has lived happily with us for five years now, and gives every indication of being good to go for five more! This has ended out to be an easier solution for us than if she'd been in assisted care or in a nursing home.

This solution has worked beautifully for us. I just wanted to share it in case it might be a possibility for others. It was hard not to feel guilty at first when I insisted Mom not wander in our part of the house, but after about a six month transition period she accepted this and she is very happy now.

My mother is unique in that she is not prone to wander (to go outside) and is very content with her own space, her books, and her music. I don't want anyone to emulate this if their loved one is not able to spend time alone safely and happily.

God bless each of you who are dealing with more challenging difficulties than we've yet faced.

I think that it is great solution for a lot of people.
Naturally not all Alz patients are the same, so each situation has to be worked out for the best. But for a lot I think this is the healthiest.
I always cringed when I read that someone moved grandma or grandpa in with their family. But the way that your arrangement is, it is respectful to all concern. And it also can help eliminate the feeling of a burden.
Thanks for sharing.

Dear Coping and Praying, I like your set-up. It sounds secure and orderly for your Mother and for your family. I could envision this set-up for myself, because I like my privacy but I would still be close to the others.

Iris L.

This is very similar to what we are doing.

My MIL passed away in July and dad was worse than we suspected. MIL had been taking care of him very carefully without ever sharing details.

Our new home has a suite that is separate, complete with living room, bedroom, kitchen and bathroom. We are renovating to add hand bars to shower and toilet, etc. Essentially, though, he will be able to live a private life for as long as possible. His "independence" is very important to him. He does not realize that he really has no independence, and that he relies on us for everything, but perception, on his part, rules him.

We will do similar to what you have done: We will have normal family times, and when he wishes to be part of things, or we wish to make him part of things, he is only one door away.

This is not a perfect solution for everyone else out there, but it works for us.

He will feel like he lives on his own and is keeping his "independence" even while we are a few feet away.

An alarm system will alert us if he ever decides to leave without telling us.

This is a really interesting solutions to care giving without burnout. I think about having my mom come home to live with us, but at her stage and with her personality, unfortunately this wouldn't work for our family.