His doctors say it's just a matter of time now. He has declined rapidly (mentally and esp. physically) in the past few months. Then a couple of weeks ago he was suddenly dx'd with an enlarged colon, which is serious, so he was admitted to a good local hospital. My mom and I thought he would be home again that night. No such luck.

He was moved into the palliative care unit of the hospital after about a week, and spent several days there. Then he was moved into hospice--it's a wonderful place, if only he could stay there!! But no, they don't keep patients in his condition very long...so now my mom and I face not only the fact that my dad is dying, but we have to make a decision on where to place him.

It's horrible to realize that it all, in the end, comes down to money. I mean, this is my FATHER, my mom's lifelong soul mate, and can we choose the absolute best place for him (which he richly deserves)??

No, we cannot. Oh sure, if we were really really rich, no problem. But for ordinary people like us...money is a very real problem. And I hate that!!!

It's so hard to choose! We have to consider how much the place will cost, what kind of care my dad will get (he's bedridden now, unable to do anything for himself), how far away the care home will be (gas prices, etc). It's so horrible, my dad hasn't got much time left in this world, WHY must it all be about MONEY?!?

And my poor mom--she's 81 herself, she's not well, and the stress is really getting to her, esp. physically. She's spent 5 long hard years as my dad's caregiver, she deserves some kind of break! Due to kidney problems, she's severely anemic herself and having to have both special shots AND IV iron infusions, which don't seem to be helping much...on top of that her Meniere's Disease is flaring up, causing her to get severe vertigo and nausea attacks...I mean, what else will she have to deal with?! Finding yet another place to care for my poor dad in the short time he has left, that's what! Why can't he just stay in the hospice where he is now? I don't get it--he worked so hard for so many years, he hasn't got much time left, why is it so impossible for him to stay in this wonderful place where they take such good care of him?? I thought that's what a hospice was FOR!!

I apologize for the rant, but all this is just so hard. I am so worried about the toll it's taking on my mother. I worry about finding the "right" place for my dad...without it sending us to the poorhouse. And it feels downright indecent even having to consider something like money at a time like this!!!

I'm not even sure what the point of this post is. I guess partly to vent...and to ask for advice...and to ask everyone to please pray for my poor parents.

I hate this disease!!!

Unfortunately, Twilight Tears, much of life is linked to money. But the most precious thing of all comes from within. From the spirit. From the soul. Love. Sounds to me like you have an abundance of it. In that sense, you are rich. Very rich. A rich man. monetarily speaking, but without love, really is poor. --Jim

Dear TT,
I'm so sorry about your Dad, and the fact that
he can't stay where he is. What was their reasoning
for not allowing him to stay? Our local hospital
also has a hospice unit; do the Dr.'s feel your Dad
isn't that close to passing? It doesn't make sense.
Maybe they have a very limited time limit and your
Dad is nearing that. I hear you though; for years
one of my sisters has been saying exactly what you
did: why does so much of life have to be about $$?
Having plenty would've meant we could hire a full
time, live in caregiver as opposed to placing our
Dad in a NH. I will say a prayer for your Dad, and
ask God to make a way for your Dad to stay put!
You and your Mom have taken great care of your father,
may you both have peace at this hard time. Sending you
a ***BIG HUG***

Awww, Patti,
I am so sorry, that you are having these struggles at such a difficult time. I, too, wonder why Hospice will not let him stay??? Is it possible that they would care for him at the house? I'v read so many stories of them being a Godsend to LOs at home.

DO NOT apologize. We are here to support you!
Some people just don't get that.

Dear TT: There is no way to say just how sorry I am for what you, your mother and father are facing. It is true, if there are unlimited funds anything is possible. How I wish there were more built-in safety nets for those of us in need, but our society has yet to evolve to that higher plane. Our family and our loved ones are also feeling the results of this.

No matter where father resides, he can get hospice services, even in a NH. The hospice RN will manage his care, will come in minimum once a week and more often as needed. An aide will come in several times a week to bathe him. You will have a social worker to assist your father as well as family members with the dying process and emotions.

If you desire, there will be a chaplain. Hospice will also provide volunteer visitors to visit and be with him. Very often, when a person is actively dying, hospice can provide a 24 hour licensed nurse.

Though you are dealing with the failings of a system badly in need of fixing, do know that no matter the decision as to where your father will be, hospice can come to you within just two or three hours. You will be amazed at how fast they respond and provide all services.

In fact, if you have time, you can contact your hospice of choice and ask the supervising RN, (NOT the intake person), for referrals to care facilities that work well with hospice and take good care of their patients with such needs.

I wish you and your family the best of what can be under the challenges you face. Please let us know how you are doing - we all really do care.

Thank you SO MUCH, everyone, for the kind replies and suggestions!

We had decided on a nursing home right here in our home town, practically across the street from our home. I think my dad was going to be transferred there today. We were so excited that we would have him so close by.

Then this morning, about 4 AM, the phone rang. It was a nurse from the hospice, telling us that my dad had died, just a few minutes earlier.

We immediately left for Augusta (Georgia), where the hospice is located--about an hour's drive from here. My mom and I spent some private time with my dad, then my mom went over some business with the nurse. The nurse's name is Cynthia, like everyone there she was so sweet--she hugged us both before we left!

We are going to bury my dad up in North Carolina, with the rest of his family. The funeral will probably be Saturday--fortunately my mother had already (with the help of my aunt) made most of the arrangements.

My mom and I both feel numb. We grieve for him, but then we had been losing my dad--ever so slowly--for the past 5 years, "thanks" to this dreadful disease.

At least I know that his suffering is over now, he is at peace. He was a very devout Christian, I know he is in heaven already. That is a great consolation!!

Thank you all again, so much. It's incredible how kind people can be!!!

If you don't mind--please say a few extra prayers for my mom. This will be so hard for her--she's been married to my dad for most of her adult life--from age 19 to age 81! They were true soul mates.

Thank you again for your kindness, understanding, and sympathy!

Warm hugs,
Patti

Patti, I am so sorry for you loss. I was going to say how quickly it happened, and I guess it seems that way to you, but of course 5 years of caring for someone with AD would never seem quick.

You and your family will be in my prayers.

Oh, Patti... I am so very sorry for your loss. You and your mom will be in my thoughts and prayers.

You have been such a source of comfort and strength to all of us on this forum.

Dear Twilight,
I'm so sorry! I will pray for your Mom. Thats
awesome, they've been together for over 60 years! No doubt it will be a big transition for
her. Sending you and your Mom ***BIG HUGS***

TT how I can relate. My aunt was diagnosed with cancer and placed in a hospice unit in the hospital after a seizure. They tool me that she was not allowed to stay there permanently. I do believe she was there for about 7-10 days then then would reassess and send to a nursing faciliy. The blessing for her was that she passed before going into the nursing facility.

But I do hope you can find your dad a good facility. I will keep you and your mom in my prayers.

Patti,

I am sorry for your loss. Sending prayers and hugs to you and your mom.

Bless you and your family. It sounds as though you are Christian, and how happy he must be to be with God now! Bless your family.

Patti--
I am sorry for your loss. I pray that God will grant you and your Mom strength, comfort and peace. {{{HUG}}}

Twightlight,
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family..{{{hug}}}}

Dear Twilight Tears:

I think about you often and I had noticed you hadn't been posting much for awhile. I always worry when that happens, because it means things may not be going well. I am so sorry for your mother and you. Your father is no longer suffering and as you say, he's in a better place now, and even though you will miss him, there is comfort is knowing he has peace at last. Take time now to recuperate and heal and rest your mind and heart, both you and your mom. For you personally, I'm hoping you can change your name from Twilight Tears to Twilight Peace, that's what I wish for you.

Twilight Tears,
You and your mom are in my prayers. For peace and all your needs that only God knows.

Namaste.

Blessings to you and your mother and peace to your dad.

Oh wow--I didn't realize I'd been away for so long! And I missed so many kind replies--thank you all so much!!

My mom and I have gotten thru the worst over this past year--the 1st Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, and my parents' wedding anniversary. (The "firsts" after losing a loved one are always the hardest!)

Also our friends and neighbors have been so kind. And the lady minister at the Methodist Church right across the street from us has practically "adopted" my mom, which is so kind and so endearing of her--my mom is a Southern Baptist but hey, so what?? It just means my mom now has two church families!!

We've kept pretty busy the past few months, taking care of a lot of "ordinary" stuff we just couldn't do when my dad was so sick. Mostly house-cleaning, painting, getting the wiring checked, stuff like that which you find yourself "putting off" when a family member has dementia.

We've made lots of progress, we're loving the gorgeous sunny (but cool--thank goodness!) fall weather, and we are hoping soon to go to a local animal shelter to adopt a new kitten!!!

AND today is esp. exciting for us--my cousin Janet's second grandchild is going to be born this morning!!! The mom, Caroline, has a C-section scheduled for this morning around 9:30 Eastern time--she already has an adorable toddler named Finley, who isn't quite sure how he feels about having a new baby brother lol! I sent Caroline a message on Facebook last night wishing her well--I couldn't believe when she answered me!! I said, "Young lady, YOU should be IN BED right now getting some sleep--you won't be getting much for a LONG TIME haha!" She's a terrific mom--I can't wait to see the baby!!!

How are all of you doing? I'm so sorry I just "up and left" but we had so many arrangements to make, we had to go up to North Carolina for the funeral, and then we kind of collapsed from exhaustion! But we do so much appreciate your kind thoughts and prayers, and I definitely haven't forgotten about any of you!

My goal in life is to SEE DEMENTIA ELIMINATED!!!!!!

Love, hugs, and deepest gratitude,
Patti