My dad has been in an ALF since December and continually asks to go home (with me, my 9 yo twins and husband - he lived with us for 3 1/2 years). He has been delusional and his memory seems to have become much worse since going into the facility. I don't know if it is the disorientation or if it would have happened anyway. I have been feeling very guilty because I placed him right from the hospital. I had to send him to the adult psych unit and it was very hard to get him out of my house. So, I never let him come home in between and I haven't had him back for a visit because I have been so worried that it would be difficult if he refused to return to the ALF.

Now it is going to be Passover, a real family holiday. I feel that I have taken him away from the only family he really has - he has two other sibs, both old too, not in any shape to visit. I would normally take him with me to my in-laws for Passover but I am very hesitant to even bring it up. I am worried that behaviors will get out of control, somehow, or that it will all be too overwhelming, and then what would I do if I needed to leave with him? It is an hour and a half away from our home.

Has anyone else faced these holiday issues? I could bring Passover to his ALF, although it is not a family Seder that way. But we could do an abreviated version of it over there. What do you think?

I would take the dinner to the ALF. That is what we did with my mother. Large groups and all the children made her very tense. But we did want to share the occasion with her. Something simple at the ALF worked much better for her.

Barb

Dear Lisa, I too am wondering what we will do for passover. My mother just moved to a ALF. As our family is not observant we are considering having our family "passover" dinner at a nice local resteraunt on the saturday before. My mother will not know what day of the week it is, or when the holiday actually starts, and this way, we have the family gathering without the full production. In a more observant family, perhaps you have your family seder as always and celebrate other sedar meals at his residence with what family can travel to see him.

I am not Jewish, but I think Passover at the Home would be so wonderful because the food stirs memories, and all the melodies that people sing are the same ones that he would remember from when he was a child. Perhaps this could be arranged in a small scale for him. The idea that we are one people is very much alive when it comes to Passover.

The comment about him not knowing the day of the holiday is true.
Could you have your seders, then bring dinner to the home Thursday, even with a small seder plate? Perhaps you could sing Dayyenu or Ehad mi yodea or whatever is your family custom.
Egg matzo is easier for older people to chew and swallow and permitted for the elderly.
If there are other Jewish patients, does the home have a rabbi on call that might arrange some observence for them?
Check chabad.org or google aleph. Aleph ( or alef?) is a charity that caters to people in institutions, prisons and the military. They do amazing work.
I do hope you and your family will have a very happy passover.

If it helps.... our first holiday after MIL went to assisted living was Thanksgiving. My husband and SIL and my boys went there Thanksgiving morning, brought pastries and visited. The AL had celebrated T'giving the day before when relatives could have come to have a dinner -- and I won't go into why that didn't happen for our family, but it just didn't. Anyway, MIL was fine with the arrangement.

Then for Christmas we all went there Christmas eve, exchanged presents after MIL's lunch. I brought Dunkin Donuts and coffee (her favorite). We sat in a quiet corner of "the living room" did the gift exchange, stayed for about an hour and that was our cue to leave because the gifts, the pastries, the kids... were making her confused and tired.

Personally I think an hour and a half ride each way and all that family would be too much to expect your dad to deal with. I like the idea of a dinner the day or weekend before.

quote:

Originally posted by nisayon:
The comment about him not knowing the day of the holiday is true.
Could you have your seders, then bring dinner to the home Thursday, even with a small seder plate? Perhaps you could sing Dayyenu or Ehad mi yodea or whatever is your family custom.
Egg matzo is easier for older people to chew and swallow and permitted for the elderly.
If there are other Jewish patients, does the home have a rabbi on call that might arrange some observence for them?
Check chabad.org or google aleph. Aleph ( or alef?) is a charity that caters to people in institutions, prisons and the military. They do amazing work.
I do hope you and your family will have a very happy passover.

Thank you for your suggestions. I will look into Aleph. I had thought of Chabad - there is one here in Poughkeepsie - I just wasn't sure what to ask them for. Will they visit and bring food? Probably during the week, I can't imagine that they would go out during the Seders.

Anyway, I thank you for your best wishes. I hope that you too have a good holiday. Lisa

quote:

Originally posted by vjh:
Dear Lisa, I too am wondering what we will do for passover. My mother just moved to a ALF. As our family is not observant we are considering having our family "passover" dinner at a nice local resteraunt on the saturday before. My mother will not know what day of the week it is, or when the holiday actually starts, and this way, we have the family gathering without the full production. In a more observant family, perhaps you have your family seder as always and celebrate other sedar meals at his residence with what family can travel to see him.

Thanks for your response. I hope that works out well for you. I'll let you all know how it goes if there is not much else to post about it. No one else is going to think about him, other than to invite him over someplace that he cannot go. I appreciate the support from all of you. Lisa

I see your delemna. Passover is so home and family oriented. We always go to my sister in law's. My husband used to lead the service and not cannot read well enough to barely participate and is almost totally silent.

How many people come to your Seder? If small enough could you have it at the facility? Perhaps not cooking all the food but having the ceremonial stuff, etc. If there are other Jewish people there they might be invited. You could be providing a real mitzvah.
LindaG2

Our seder is usually about 30 people at my in-laws. But, I was thinking that we could do it during the week afterwards. That reminds me, I have to call the ALF to arrange that - like you said, not all the food but the ceremonial items. Also, he likes matzah but has not kept kosher for Passover for years. That is ok, he can just eat as usual there. Up here in Poughkeepsie, it is not a big Jewish community, there is only one other Jewish resident that I know of (there are no Jewish residences closer than in Westchester or maybe Danbury). Maybe I will see if we can include that other resident. Thanks for the idea. Lisa

The chabad rabbi will be helpful to you to figure out something meaningful to do--also you might be surprised to find that chabad has so much to offer you in terms of spirtual guidance and coping, and will make no demands on you as far as your observance is concerned. The members are amazingly kind and helpful, even to strangers.

How is the holiday going with your family?

To the top.

Contact The Jewish Council on the Aging. They might be able to point you to a local area synagogue that provides food to people who are incapacitated on holidays.