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Does anyone have any experience with taking LO out of nursing home for an extended period of time? I have always had my LO at my home for the holidays, but it means at least 3 days away from her surroundings. My LO has semi settled to being in NH and I'm afraid leaving for a few days would be a hard readjustment. But if I don't take her she will be alone on Xmas. I have young children that I need to be home for and taking them to her for the day won't really work for them. I feel terribly thinking about her being alone. Some days she knows what's going on and other days she is completely confused as to day, season etc. She looks at the newspaper to determine the date. Since I live 150 miles away, I visit weekly and take her out to lunch then. Sometimes she doesn't remember where she is going back to when I take her to lunch. Othertimes she does. The family memers that live near her have already told me that they won't spend xmas day with her..Nice! I don't want her alone crying which is what she does now because she forgets when someone has come to visit and she thinks she is being abandoned.
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This is a real toughy. I know that this year my mother will still be in the hospital, or hopefully the special behavioral NH for the holidays. Taking her out will be impossible. Not to mention that I will be away on Thanksgiving and I hate the thought that she will be alone on Thanksgiving. I was toying with the idea of doing Christmas this year since she does Christmas dinner every year. Now I'm thinking that I should bag that idea and just go spend the day with her. If the usual Christmas people want to come with me, then that's what we'll do. If they don't, then they can stay home.
I would be afraid that it would be too heartbreaking to take her back if you have her out of the NH for a few days. Plus I am sure the NH will be doing something special for Christmas. Is it possible for the other family members to spend time with her on Christmas Eve? |
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Sad as it is,,,sometimes its not going to be possible that someone/everyone won't spend a holiday with a LO. If these other relatives live closer to where your LO is now living,,,do they visit her at all?
Since you live 150 miles or so away from your LO,,it would certainly be acceptable if you went up the weekend before the holiday,,to visit and take some small gifts,,,and also take the kids along for that visit. But on the actual holiday day itself,,enjoy your holiday and family. This is and will be a hard adjustment for all of us that have a LO that now resides in a facility living. I'm sure that the facility will have a nice christmas dinner,,and try to make it a special day ,(or at least try)for our LO's. So don't feel guilty,,as you say,,your LO has some good days and some bad days. So just enjoy your holiday,,and enjoy your family. Its not like you don't see your LO,,its just now at this point you are making some new adjustments. Best of luck,,have a happy holiday. Peace |
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I feel for you...its a tough call but Raven had a great idea of going up the weekend before...she won't know its not the actual day and it would still be fun and special for her.
I respect you so much for making a weekly visit being 150 miles away..that is so wonderful of you. My mom and older sister are taking my dad out of the NH for just the day on Thanksgiving..to my sisters house about 1 hour away...the plan is to take him back to the NH that same day..but my sister (who hates that he is in an NH) will probably try to talk my mom into spending the night there with him...i think that will be risky but we will see. I just hope he can go for the day without any major complications or disorientation. God Bless you whatever you decide and have a wonderful holiday with your family. kim "people will forget what you say, people will forget what you do, but they will never forget how you made them feel" maja angelou |
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Last year was the first year my mom has not shared THanksgiving and Christmas at our house. It was very difficult for me and the rest of my family to know mom was somewhere else, and not with us. I discussed it with her caregiver, and we both agree it would be best for mom not to remove her from her now-familiar surroundings. Instead, my daughters and I visited her in the afternoon, with gifts. It was still sad, because mom has no clue who her granddaughters are, but at least we were all together for mom's favorite holiday. It's okay to leave your mom at the NH, and celebrate there with her rather than risk the emotional upheaval and confusion which could happen if you take her out of her surroundings.
Because she's my mom!--Advocate for my sweet mom, who is now in stage 6d, and holding... |
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For the holidays this year (mom has been in NH since July), she will go to my brother's house. I'm too afraid to bring her to her old house, where I am, because I don't think she would go back to the NH willingly if she comes here. She associates her house with smoking also, and she has not had a cigarette since she was admitted to the NH, so I definitely don't want that to start again.
Judy, advocate for my mom, Joan |
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Last year, I decided to bring my mom to my house for Christmas, which is how it has been for years. She was probably Stage 6/7 at that point. I had it much easier than you because her care home was only 30 min. away. I made everything perfect in the house. I fixed the traditional dinner. I had the Christmas music playing. We had gifts under the tree for her. I even recorded her favorite Christmas shows so we could watch them after dinner.
When I picked her up, she looked adorable. Her caregiver had fixed her hair, painted her nails and dressed in her a darling Christmas sweater and black velour pants. As soon as I got her into my house, I could tell that she really didn't have a clue what was going on. The Christmas decorations, dinner, gifts, music meant nothing. She never smiled and barely said anything. I had to feed her and couldn't get her to eat much at all (except dessert, of course). We gave her her presents and she didn't know how to open them. She really didn't have a reaction after we opened them for her. What's so crazy is that I was afraid she would feel bad that she didn't have any gifts for us. Later in the afternoon, I put the Christmas shows on. She stared with a blank expression and then went to sleep. I eventually took her back, and then cried all the way home. As caregivers, we want so badly for the holidays to be happy and normal for our LOs. Unfortunately it doesn't always work out that way. Had I not brought her over that day, I would have probably cried all day, so it really was a no-win situation. This year will be my first Christmas in 48 years without her, and I really would like to just blink and make the day disappear. So I guess my point is that you should maybe just(try to)enjoy the day with your family, and see your mom on a different day. Can you take gifts and celebrate on a different weekend? I don't know what stage she is in, but she probably won't know the difference. |
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I think your priority should be with your children.
Most NHs have some type of celebration on another day -- not the holiday itself. If you think she's actually going to look at a newspaper and know it's Christmas and be upset, ask them to give her an older newspaper with a different date. (Put one aside so it's fresh.) Then you can go visit a few days later. I'm not sure if the aides made a big deal about it being a holiday...if not, it may not be obvious. My mom dosen't react to the holidays....gifts don't mean anything anymore. |
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Thank you to everyone for all of your suggestions. I know that this first year will be the most difficult. I haven't made a decision on what to do yet, but I think it will be visiting her a few days prior to Xmas and then seeing her the day after for a very special day. The real question is if it will be a day that she knows she has a "memory issue" or if she thinks she's fine. We have had a lot of days lately where she thinks she is fine and doesn't understand why she is in the NH. So hard for her
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Wouldn't life be so much easier if we had a crystal ball? I often find that the anxiety of "what if" is so much worse than the actual experience. Seeing your mom a few days before and the day after will be wonderful. Your kids need the holiday to be as normal and wonderful as possible. They don't need to think of Christmas as being a downer from now on. Remember, there are 12 days of Christmas, it doesn't need to be celebrated for everyone on that one specific day.
My mother seems to be snapping out of her dementia fog, although I know it could be temporary. Thanksgiving is the one that's getting me upset. That's my mother's favorite holiday. I of course am going to be away for Thanksgiving, had this vacation planned for a year and a half now. I was thrilled to be away for Thanksgiving because I realized that my mother has no clue and I didn't want to sit home and feel sorry for myself. Now that she appears to be out of her "fog" for the time being, my heart is breaking knowing that I will be away. I'll be on a cruise in the middle of the Mexican Riviera, it's not like I can hop on a plane and be home to see her. The guilt is killing me. The above paragraph being written, I keep telling myself (as my friends do too) that I can see her after Thanksgiving and we can still celebrate. Sometimes the actual holiday is just another day and when and how you celebrate is another story. I can see my mother after and I can tell her how thankful I am to have her as a mother. |
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Well, I spoke too soon, because my brother has now said he doesn't know if they'll be having her over for Thanksgiving.
 I will spend the day with her until I have to go to work if they don't. I'm kind of disappointed but as usual I will be picking up the slack.Judy, advocate for my mom, Joan |
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Will your mother really know it's a holiday? If not, and you chose to go over another option, than it's your choice. Sometimes, caregivers have to give themselves permission to skip a day. |
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I have been reading the various postings regarding the holidays because I too have been having a hard time deciding what to do. Myhusband and I have been married 65 years, & while he was diagnosed with AD 2 1/2 yrs ago I cared for him at home until 5 mos. ago, when he went into a care facility. In all these years this will be our first holidays apart. Our son lives 12 hours away in another state, our daughter almost 3 hours from here. While my husband still knows who I am, most of the time he sleeps, if awake he cannot talk sense, lately he doesn't seem to mind if I don't stay more than 10 mts--I have been going to see him every day, and in the beginning 2-3 times a day. Now I realize I am probably going more for my own comfort, rather than his. For Thanksgiving I have told our kids I will stay here. The NH gives guest tickets for meals, and I can go have Thanksgiving dinner with him. Christmas is a different story. My daughter wants me to join her family, which will include grandkids, she or her husband will even drive the 3 hrs to pick me up, but she wants me to spend a week. I can't bring myself to be away from my husband that long, and we are now talking about picking me up a couple days beforehand. I think I can handle that. I don't think he will miss me, or maybe not even realize it is Christmas. At the same time I wonder, how does one get through the joyous season full of decorations, the music, etc. I tell myself I will be strong and I will remember what the season is really about--and it isn't about ME. Right now I don't feel like I can decorate, or do even a small tree. I have managed to be pretty tough so far, and hsve faced up to all this disease has done. I just wish that family were closer by.
I hope I am making the right decision. Am I? Jaynie Jaynie--KS |
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She won't - I think I was just mad about my brother "not knowing" whether he would have her over or not when I know perfectly well they are having dinner. Judy, advocate for my mom, Joan |
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My 'advice' from sad experience is make new memories with your children, don't worry if mom has a good or bad day...she won't remember either one. One day is not going to make a difference for your LO, while it can be making Happy memories for the rest of you,...every day is a blessing to each of us.
Thanksgiving is MY favorite holiday, I adjusted for several years also! My experience with the last holiday season both my parents were alive (2007) were not 'happy' in the least. The facility gave a big Thanksgiving feast for family members and Alz residents at the facility. Grand food, my parents had NO idea of what was going on...besides the meal was not at a regular time for 'eating'. Mom just kept getting up and wandering off. Dad wouldn't eat because he was wondering where she was. Mom even said "What are you doing here?" it was not in a kind way; like I was responsible for dinner being late. My memories are not 'happy' for any of us...Bless my DH!!!! It gets 'worse'. On Thanksgiving Day (a few days later) I invited them to my house for Thanksgiving Dinner....no clue, it was too far out of their routine...in fact, this is the last time I had them at my house...it upset my mother, she thought it was 'her' house and ALL her things, she started picking things up and wanted us to leave....it was very, very, very ugly! It upset all of us terribly! (The next day neither of them had any memory of it..but I carry them with me.) (In fact, looking back the last several years of holidays; Christmas, Easter, Mother's Day...all were much worse when I took my parents 'out' from where they were living...it was too disorienting for them. Even at the facility, they gave a wonderful Luau during the summer...it confused many of the residents...just not their normal schedule...which they come to rely on. So please follow your heart... BTW- guilt is LEARNED, we weren't born guilty, it was taught to us to control us! Take go*d care, Shaye |
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I've been struggling with the same concern. My husband is in late stage AD and living nearby in a NH. He won't know what day it is and he recently broke his hip so traveling is not possible right now. If I don't spend the day with him I know I'll miss him as this will be the first Thanksgiving in 14 years we won't be together. I'm thinking it might be easier for me to do something completely different that day but I don't want to make my own family sad at missing both of us. What an awful disease.
Loving every minute in Colorado |
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Hi! I can imagine how difficult this is for you! I'm sure all of us here empathize with you! I have not reached this point quite yet. My Mom is a mile up the road from me, and still has my Dad as her main caregiver. I talk to her every day and help out as much as I can. I am 55 and am raising my special needs grandson, also (he is almost 12). You mentioned that you have young children. Maybe you or some others do not want to hear this, but, I think you need to think of them first this time. It sounds like you (and therefore your kids), have been helping your LO for awhile. I think you have done an amazing job already (150 miles is no short drive!). But, this time is for the kids. THEY need you. THEY need this special day with you. If you need more convincing, it sounds like your LO might have a hard time if you take her away from what she considers home and safety-especially if she is having trouble recognizing family. I know how hard this is-it is hard for me to write it; but I think about my own grandson (and remember the years I did this as a child with MY grandparents and my Mom);and I know that it is his turn. Does your LO even know when it will be Christmas day? I sincerely believe that you should let her stay where she is comfortable, have a nice holiday with your children, do a special Christmas day with her before or after the actual day, talk to the staff at the facility and see what they are doing for a celebration(maybe they can do something special for you that day with your LO), and try talking to the family that lives close to her. It wouldn't hurt them to just go and see her for an hour! But, if they don't, it should not change your plans. You are helping her more than most would already, and teaching your children kindness and compassion. This day should be theirs. However hard that may be, that is my vote. Good luck to you and whatever you decide, I hope you ALL have a wonderful day!
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Hi! Just left a message and after reading more!, realize that they are not all on the same exact thread! Anyway, it was directed at anne kay's question. And Jaynie, I feel so for you, too. My parents jut celebrated their 66th anniversary. My Mom was always so strong, took care of all the bills, etc. She is
88 and my Dad is 85. He is having such a hard time, not knowing how to handle the memory loss, the mood swings, the anger and hallucinations. I try to help them both, but have my grandson, too(I homeschool him). It is all overwhelming, isn't it? Every day, I have to decide what needs to be done and which is the most important right then. We live in the country, which is beautiful, but lonely. There is nobody to help with much of anything. Have you decided if you are going to your daughter's? It sounds like something you need and maybe your husband won't "realize". My Mom forgets things right after she says/does it and will tell me that nobody has been to see her for months, even years; when we were just there and their neighbor just spent 2 hours talking to them! And then, some days she does so well! Oh, it is a terrible, heartbreaking disease. But I tell myself I can't fix it, I have to help my grandson (who calls me Mom), and I need to support my Dad, who is the one getting most of the fury. Back to you- Maybe you can go see your family for Christmas and be there just a few days, instead of a whole week. If you do, enjoy them! I know how hard it is to feel "festive", too. Maybe we shouldn't. We all have a LOT to deal with-but still, we can try. Baby steps. One day at a time. Anyway, Good luck to you, too, Jaynie. I' will be back another time. I had been thinking about getting back on here; things have been so hard. But there is so little time to do anything! But still, it's nice to be with those that understand! Thanks, guys! |
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Jaynie--KS |
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To PywacketPat & others , I had about made up my mind what I was going to do about the holidays, and after reading your caring and thoughtful post, and some of the others as wwll, I have decided to go to my daughter's family for Christmas, and stay several days. I plan to do the Thanksgiving dinner here with my husband, at the NH--that I can handle. But as I have said, he sleeps so much, even in a chair in the NH's large recreation room,that I don't think he will even realize it is Christmas. I guess I just needed to hear what others have experienced in a like situation, and it has been such a help. I feel much more comfortable now, about my decision.
Thanks to everyone for sharing. Jaynie Jaynie--KS |
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Dear Anne, Your LO may be better off if her surroundings as she is more likely to feel safe. Your weekly visit is the perfect time to have a holiday with her in that moment, and the visit next. Our reality has special days but each day you are with her is special to her.
The last time we had our LO home for the holiday because we were feeling extreme guilt- she stayed up all night, wanted to know where her (dead) husband was, called my sister a floosey during dinner and wanted to take the piano home. It was an exhausting weekend for us and confusing for her. The rules are all different now. Bless you for all you do for your LO. |
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After reading your postings, I am so amazed how very similar your stories are with mine caring for your LO. I am a caregiver for both my parents. My loving mother (82) was medically diagnosed with Alzheimer's on September 16, 2008, Even though the affects of her illness was made clear many years earlier my husband and I due to her health and safety had no choice but to place her in an AZ home. She is in stage 6 of this horrific disease.
Fortunately, I am one of the lucky one's because I am able to visit her as often as I can since she is 15 minutes away from my home and work place. I have attempted many times to take her out on outings and to see my Father (85) at the house they lived in together for 35 years thinking hoping she would remember something about it. It was always very heart breaking to watch her. She no longer remembers her home, who she is or once was and struggles to remember the loved ones in her life. Now, because of these experiences and as much as I love her and want her to share Thanksgiving and Christmas at my home with family this year, I decided it would be better to share these Holidays with her in the morning or afternoon time the day of each holiday at her AZ home where she seems to be comfortable. Either way she will not remember but for me knowing that the holiday spirit and holiday surroundings will be around us on my visit; it will ease my pain a little because I still will be able to cherish our moments together and celebrate. This will also allow me to enjoy and celebrate with my own family later in the day. Of course, this is easier said then done for me but I take one day at a time. Wishing you all the best of holidays and coming new year. Terry |
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