My Uncle (my Grandma's son) passed away early this summer due to lung cancer. He was diagnosed in May and died in June, it was really fast. I opted not to tell my Grandma because I didn't want it to cause a huge downward spiral for her. Additionally, I saw no reason to cause my Grandma that kind of pain. She's 93 with AD and heart disease.

My Aunt (my Uncle's wife) still doesn't want to see my Grandma because my Grandma doesn't know about my Uncle's passing and my Aunt "can't and won't lie." I've told my Aunt that she could just say "he's not here." That doesn't seem to help. I'm trying to do what's best for all concerned.

My Aunt is grieving. She goes on with her activities, but she seems to be having a really hard time with missing my Uncle (not that her grief isn't normal or anything, it's just severe). I've suggested counselling, grief support groups, even a higher dose of her antidepressant, but she's decided against that so far.

My Aunt was a really special person to my Grandma and they had a close relationship and I feel bad that it's no longer continuing. My Grandma has a small social circle to begin with, just me most of the time and my Mother once or twice a week for a few hours. Additionally, I was really hoping to go back to work starting in July and the only way that could happen is if my Aunt were to take care of my Grandma some of the time while I'm working.

Any creative suggestions? I still feel that it's best that my Grandma not know. My Grandma didn't deal with grief well at all even before her AD. I can't picture telling her repeatedly that my Uncle passed away. With my Grandma, she remembers sometimes, not others. I don't want to have to put her on yet another medication specifically so she can deal with the death of her son.

I don't think there is much you can do here except let some time pass and hope that your aunt's grief lifts enough for her to visit AND not mention his passing.

As far as your plans for working, I would wait until May, see how things with your aunt are then, but if she is still of the opinion that she can't "lie" you will have to make other arrangements for grandma's care.

I don't think it's too much to ask that the death of her son be kept from her. There is nothing she can do about it and it will cause her to be very upset. Hopefully, your aunt will see this by next spring.

Thank you for the reply, Judy.

I feel so badly that things have worked out this way with my Aunt. I still email and call her and even see her very occasionally without my Grandma. She and my Grandma really had a close relationship. But, again, I really think it was right not to tell my Grandma about my Uncle's passing.

For my particular field, I actually need to know by mid-January whether or not I will be able to work in July. And right after the holidays is not going to be a good time for my Aunt.
My family is pretty small, so if my Aunt isn't able to help out again, I can't go back to work. The only way I can work is if my Aunt, my Mom and home health aides care for my Grandma while I work. In my particular field, working part-time is not an option.

(Because anyone can read these message boards, I prefer to keep the details of my line of work out of the converstation. I like the anonymity of this message board).

jellybeans:
I think you were right in not telling your Grandma about her son's passing. It would serve no good purpose. Your aunt is immersed in her own grief, which makes it difficult for her to think about what is best for your Grandma. I can understand, though, how emotionally painful it may be for her to have to fib about her husband's passing each time your grandma brings up his name. From everything I've read, therapeutic fibs serve well in this situation. Once your aunt can see beyond her own grief, perhaps she can understand and do what is best for your grandma.

Thanks, because she's my mom.

Does anyone know of a specific publication that speaks about therapeutic fibs. Perhaps if I showed this to my Aunt, it might help a little bit. I don't know if she understands the importance of therapeutic fibs with AD.

i think that you are doing the right thing in protecting your gm, but dont know anything to convince your aunt

I guess if you have the opportunity to speak with your Aunt about this, I would say that you feel it is best not to tell your grandma about her son's death because of her AD. For grandma, it would be hearing of his death for the first time, each time and it will come up often, she would suffer over and over again hearing it. For those of us without AD, we hear bad news, we are able to grieve and process it and slowly move through the grieving process. The first knowing of someone's death is very hard on a person without AD, we hear it, we're sad, we grieve, we move on. The person with AD is stuck, hearing it, realizing it many times over, but the intensity and sadness is like the first time over and over and over for them. Heartbreaking. Maybe in time, your aunt will realize this, she's grieving the loss of her husband and it's still very fresh for her. You did the right thing for your grandma, your aunt will either understand or not, and you'll need to make other arrangements for your grandma's care when the comes time if your aunt is not able to come to terms with her own grief. AD hurts everybody one way or another.

Thanks.
I've discussed it with my Aunt in person and via email many many times. I told her that I asked on this message board and the response was an overwhelming "don't tell your Grandma". I have told her that it may either actually literally kill her or that she'd be devastated for days on end upon hearing it intitially and she'd have to be reminded of it over and over and over, each time being devastated anew.

I guess there's really no solution for me. I was hoping that there was something I could do or say that I haven't thought of.
Alternate arrangements for my Grandma really aren't an option.

You made exactly the right call Jellybeans.
My dad's two brothers and a cherished family friend, who was like a son to my Dad, all passed away within a year. My aunt, one of the wives, passed away very suddenly the year before that. Dad has been told about their passings, but it doesn't register. He'll ask me to dial the phone for him so he can speak with them, his brother Bill in particular. I reminded him a few times Uncle Bill isn't here any longer, and all it did was renew pain for Dad. Now I just say something like, "he's on the road and we can't reach him." I have even gone so far as to "dial" the phone, and pretend there is no answer.
At an AD seminar, one of the speakers said that it isn't a good idea to keep reminding LO's of the passing. They just relive the pain.
Your Grandma doesn't need the emotional pain. Sometimes Dad does recall on his own their passings. And he cries.
I strongly believe you made the right decision.

Thank you, Chocnilla.

My Aunt has been using a few theapeutic fibs in the past, I don't know if this is different because she finds it offensive to her husband who passed?

I do think it's best that my Grandma not know, but I really need to go back to work in July and if my Aunt telling my Grandma is the only way to make that happen, I guess I'll have to let it happen.

I can only hope that between now and July, my Aunt will have a change of heart, I guess.