One caregiver discussed feeling like a bad daughter which is how I feel--a bed has opened up at a facility 10 minutes from my home and when i look at my mom my heart just breaks thinking about placing her. She's pretty high functioning but in other areas I am the nurse. Alot of the reason for a nursing facility, it seems is because of my needs. She poops on herself and gets it all over herself. She can't remember much of anything but she does say I love you. I never get to sleep in on week ends because I have to be up to give her the beginning of her meds at 8:30 a.m. I go back to sleep until she's up which is 9:30. During the week there's a caregiver but we don't have enough funds to hire week-end help. She has to sit up 2 hours after eating and I told her tonight I was going to take a nap in the chair next to her, don't go to bed you have to stay up and she went ahead, while I was napping and went to bed....she has done this before which is why the nursing facility. Plus, I don't have a life of any kind to speak up; its run home from work and take care of her. Take care of her every need on the week-ends and then back to work. She doesn't talk much and can't think of the words to use when she does talk. Getting her in a nursing home while we can self pay guarantees her a bed; it we wait until she's on medi-cal its harder to get a bed. I'm on meds for extreme anxiety and I don't eat; food just isnt appealing to me so I've lost about 25 lbs. The meds that i take don't work that well, so I'm anxious all the time. I always wonder when the next shoe will drop. She just asked me again if she could go to bed (I woke her up when I discovered she had gone to bed); when the next emergency will be (and we've had plenty)...is this really all about me and wanting my life back or is it time to put mom in a place who can care for her better than I am able to. I sometimes don't even have time to bathe her I'm so exhausted....HELP BELA

Hi Bela,

First, let me say that you ARE NOT a bad daughter! If you don't take care of yourself and get seriously ill, how do you think you will be able to care for your mother? As flight attendants say before the beginning of a flight, you need to put on your own oxygen mask first before you can help others.

You have been carrying a tremendous load for a long time and now it's time to place your Mom. It is one of the hardest things you will ever do but you will still be her advocate.

I took care of my parents for a month and took family leave when I discovered how bad things were with them, and I couldn't handle it anymore with all of the anger, delusions, etc. When I arrived back home, all I wanted to do was to sit on the couch and nap or stay in bed half the day because I was so exhausted.

Since you now have the opportunity to get your Mom into a facility that's 10 minutes away, I say you should go for it. There are many others on this board who have had to do this when they couldn't go on. I admire and applaud you for your dedication to your Mom. However, I think your Mom would also want you to take care of YOU!

Bela, I agree with everything footballmom said. So you must take care of yourself and your mother will get good care and your time with her will be more positive for you.
Let us hear as you move along with placement.
Sheryl

Dear Bela: Having already arrived at the point where need necessitated placement of my mother, I truly understand the anxiety and guilt you are feeling regarding your mother's placement.

These feelings are normal and appear to be part of the process.

I too am an RN, so the guilt in our situations is somewhat increased.

Bela, you are NOT a bad daughter. You are NOT abandoning your mother.

There comes a day when a large majority of us have to face just such a need. You are still caring for your mother; it is just in a different way.

You still share the same history, the same love and the same caring. You will continue your oversight. Your visits may well be more meaningful because you are not as exhausted.

Initially, my mother went to an ALF that specialized in dementia patients. She was there but four months and had to be moved as she was deteriorating physically and they would not accommodate. California has strict mandates re what level of function a person must be at to be in an ALF, and staffing also could not accommodate my mother's needs. ALFs are not staffed as highly as NHs.

With that placement, I was devastated. Cried all the way home in my car, couldn't sleep and was filled with guilt. Mom actually did well. Soon, I began to feel a bit more calm and was sleeping again.

After the four months when I had to move Mom again, I was undone. I could not fathom a NH setting. Being an RN I understood the dangers and lack of care and quality oversight from some of the NHs all too well.

However, we were happily blessed. Through a strong recommmendation I found a NH that was owned and operated by four Dutch churches. It was wonderful beyond description. Kind, loving, respectful, professional, clean and capable. They also had a MediCal contract which I would use when Mom ran out of funds.

The first night we placed Mom in the NH, it was late before I left. We went to MiMi's Cafe for a late dinner. There I sat at the table with my husband and suddenly, out of nowhere, I burst into tears. I'm sure the other diners thought my husband was abusing me.

I think that such a placement brought home to me the finality of it all. Nothing would ever be the same again. She would never be in her sweet little house and we were facing the inevitable.

Soon I realized that my mother was actually much more comfortable in the NH. She thrived from the structure and the loving care. The better she did, the better I did.

An adjustment period to be sure, but that is to be expected. At one point I found I was so exhausted, I needed to take a visitation break for a short period. Knowing Mom was doing quite well let me draw back and regroup so I could begin moving forward again.

It will do you no goodness to become overwhelmed by long-term anxiety and stress as well as overwhelming fatigue. If you become ill, the picture will not be positive.

You are a very good and loving daughter who has gone the distance under care plan A. You are now moving to care plan B, which is appropriate for your mother's needs as well as your own.

You can only do what is appropriate to the circumstances and challenges. Your writing indicates you are now at the end of the path and must move forward.

You are still you; she is still she. Love and caring do not change.

I wish only the very best for you. Please let us know how you are doing.

From one daughter to another,

Johanna C.

Bela,

Don't feel bad for having those feelings. Yes you should proceed with moving your mom, as your life has value too don't you think? It took me a while to realize I had no option but to place my dear mom......she and I couldn't live under the same roof AND THE ALF'S HAVE THE EXPERIENCE TO CARE FOR OUR PARENTS. We spend more time caring for them and trying to keep jobs. In the end, we are damaging our health and upsetting our lives. Is this a win-win situation?

Plse allow yourself to follow your gut feeling -- place your mom 10 min from home. You can visit and enjoy her without having to always clean her up and worry about her going to bed, etc, etc. You might find mom will be better cared for, as they've got the experience, and you and mom could possibly have the mother-daughter relationship again. Found this out when we placed my mom. In fact, she's doing better then if we left her on her own in her home....yeah! She's thriving and her mental state is amazingly great.

God truly doesn't give us more then we can handle!!!

Best to you!

Bela, you did what you had to do. We've all been there and I'm sure felt the same way. If you don't take care of yourself, who will be there to help with your mother?

This is about your mother. She needs the round the clock care that you are not able to provide (nurse or not). Besides a safety issue for her (and for you), she could actually have quite a quality of life in a nursing home, i.e. activities, friends, etc...

Now about you, your mother would not be happy if she knew how stressed you are over this. When the stress starts affecting YOUR life, it's time to do something. This is not being selfish, this is survival.

You sound like a WONDERFUL daughter. Please don't have second thoughts about this.

One more thing, getting your mom in while she's still private pay is KEY!!!!!!!!!!!! You are doing right by her.

quote:

OShe's pretty high functioning but in other areas I am the nurse...she poops on herself and gets it all over herself...she can't remember much of anything...she doesn't talk much and can't think of the words to use when she does talk....

Bela, she's not high-functioning. She's high-maintenance.

Do what keeps your mental, emotional and physical energies strong so that you can be her best advocate and make sure that her care reflects what she would want.

A skilled caregiver can change a diaper or give a bath, or oversee meds. Only you can fully represent your mom's best interests.

Your mother would not want you to stress to the point of illness. Placing her may be the best thing for both of you. You can be her loving daughter and advocate, which are both important. Everyone feels guilt at doing this but sometimes it cannot be avoided.

Bela, remember your Mom is your MOM, and she would want what's best for you before herself.

Use "fiblets" to keep her happy, tell her you have to work more hours and can't be with her, tell her the doctor ordered her to stay in the Hospital (I would never use the words Nursing Home with my Mom), tell her whatever you need to so that she understands you're not "leaving" her. Tell her that you're tired and you're going to bed when you leave, etc.

I don't have experience with a nursing facility, I'm just using the words I used whenever Mom was in the hospital so that she didn't feel scared.

Do what's best for you...it will also be what's best for your Mom.

Felicia